Sometimes, It Is Just Easier To Give Up, Call It Quits. . .

• August 23, 2011
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• no comments

. . .throw in the towel, walk away.

Easier.  But better?

Let me tell you about Rod and Penny.  They had been married for 17 years when they hit a tough spot.  Both “tried to get things better,” although neither told the other.  Then, both began to truly believe that the problem was the other one.  With fingers pointed at each other, they came into my office, loaded.

They had a list of grievances.  Both were ready to unload, to have me play judge and assign fault.  I think both wanted me to tell him or her that he or she was innocent, and the whole problem with the marriage was the other.

I resisted, knowing that each had been a part of the problems.  Instead, I tried to understand what was happening to the relationship.  I listened as one would start a story, only to have the details either challenged or corrected.  Quickly, we got off-track and derailed.  The bickering was non-stop.  The animosity was far too clear.

Finally, toward the end of a session, Rod turned and said, “I’ve had enough.  It would be easier to just quit.”  The room was silent for a moment.  Then I asked, “is that what you really want?  Is that where you are?  Ready to give up?  Or are you just frustrated and feeling hopeless?”  Rod was silent.

In the midst of pain, we tend to easily confuse what would be easy and what would be useful.  We confuse what we want with wanting to stop the pain.  Caught between seeing more pain and seeing an end to the pain, we tend to want relief.  But our sight is usually a bit clouded.  Our emotions fool us into looking only at the pain, not the possibility.

I must admit, I am not much on giving up  on a marriage.  In fact, I really believe that marriages are way too important to simply quit on.  Not that I think all marriages have to stick it out.  In fact, I am clear that abusive marriages are outside of what I think should be saved.  The danger is too great.

Problem is, we live in a society that is too often looking for the “easy” answer, the less painful way.  Only to learn that it is neither easy nor painless.  In fact, part of the reason I hold so strongly to marriage is because I know the people on the other side.  The ones that threw in the towel, walked away, called it quits.

I have met VERY FEW that say “I am so glad I did that.”  In fact, the vast majority tell me quite the opposite — “why didn’t we fight harder?”

Sometimes, the seemingly easy path is really the most dangerous path.  And what looks like the most painful path is, indeed, the better way.