Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Don’t Convince
Working on Connection
Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Save The Marriage System

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On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, “I can’t….”  Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways.  But the start of the sentence is my focus:  “I can’t.”

I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, “I can’t,” with “You can.”  That doesn’t quite get there, though.  At least for me, I don’t think that is the whole answer.

Over the years, I noticed that “can’t” is far more complex than we notice.

You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word.  For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, “love.”  And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, “snow.”

There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for “can’t.”  But here we are, often with conversations ending with “I can’t.”

So, I will take it further.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different “can’ts.”  One really, truly, is. One is really, truly, NOT. And the other two, you have to work through.

If you find yourself saying, “I can’t save my marriage,” or “I can’t change,” or “I can’t see a way,” you may want to take a listen.  You may be stuck in a “can’t” that isn’t.

Listen below!

RELATED RESOURCES:
The Certainty Trap Episode
Stuck In Negativity Episode
The Connection Compass Articles
The Save The Marriage System

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Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?

I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.

But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?

I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone?  This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out.  This is not accurate.  And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t.  They walk away in defeat.

So, what CAN you do?  First, I tackle what you CAN’T do.  Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Read my article on The Pause Button Marriage
Find my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Find my Save The Marriage System
Learn more about Connection
Learn more about Conflict

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This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast!

Why?  Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages… and it might include your’s.

There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries.  We are facing one right now:  the beginning of summer.  In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly).  For other countries, it may be another week or two off.  But we are slip-sliding right toward it.

In this audio version of a video training, I tell you why this season is a spike, and what to do so that your marriage is not a casualty (but the time to get started is NOW!).

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In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES
FACT of the Crisis
Can The Marriage Be Saved?
Why It Matters
Happy or Hurting?
Save The Marriage System

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There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser.  In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.

Why?  Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer.  The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time — who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like.  Sometimes, couple switch roles.  Usually, because the Chaser gives up and becomes the Spacer, causing the Spacer to suddenly shift to being the Chaser.

There HAS to be a better way… right?

Right??

Why yes, yes there is.  So glad you asked!

In this podcast, I tell you about the Chaser/Spacer roles, how they come to be, why the are so problematic, and why they don’t have to be permanent roles or patterns.  We unwind it.

And I tell you about the better role.

Listen below to discover how to stop being the Chaser or Spacer… and what to do, instead!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Why Connection Matters
What Space Means
The Save The Marriage System

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Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy — and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.

But is it possible to find that intimacy?  Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??

There are choices people make… that often lead them away from intimacy — not toward it!  This isn’t on purpose.  They just don’t know better.

The path to intimacy may not be something you learned — or even saw in relationships around you!

But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get there.

Unfortunately, many people decide to leave in steps 2 and 3, not realizing just how close they are to intimacy.  True intimacy.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at the path.  I’ll tell you about each of the 4 steps along the path… and how to make a shift toward intimacy… just when you think you’ve missed it.

Yes, you can find intimacy. You just need to know the path to take.  Let’s get it covered for you!

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Dealing with Conflict
2 Necessary Feelings
Marriage and Self-Expansion
Save The Marriage System

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You hit the Pause Button on your marriage.  I get it.  You didn’t realize you were doing it, and didn’t know it was a problem.  You just thought you were dealing with life — the kids, a career, activities… life.

But while you didn’t know it was a problem, it is.  In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble.  Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem.  The underlying problem, though, is disconnection… from hitting the Pause.

Relationships don’t go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation.  Nope, they are either growing or receding.  And a paused relationship is receding.

Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem.  It was brewing for awhile.  But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs.  Until it was a crisis.

And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button.

Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem.  You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis.

How do you do it?

We talk about it on this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Pause Is A Problem
The 7 Stages of Disconnection
Healing Disconnection
Save The Marriage System

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Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.

This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don’t get better.

When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage.  Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment?

Teach communication skills!

Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results.  When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced.  Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage.  And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement.  Let me say that again:  any improvement.

Why?  Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this.  But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills.  And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying.  And they seem to understand each other!  That is not the issue.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn’t going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can.

Listen below!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Podcast:  3 Problems with Therapy
Substack:  The Connection Compass
Program:  The Save The Marriage System

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For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to [email protected]).

This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse’s indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.

It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn’t respond much at all.  A little conversation… that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation… that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating.

How should you understand the situation?

What can you do about it?

Can you make progress?

We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Step Process
3 C’s of Doing It
Importance of Connection
When Spouse Can’t See A Way
Resentment and Anger
Save The Marriage System
The Connection Compass

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