Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Where could your efforts fail?

Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.

But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.

Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks.

In marriage, there are also potential failpoints — caused by stressors on different points in the relationship.

In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts… along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.

RELATED RESOURCES
My new resource, The Connection Compass
My Save The Marriage System
Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail
Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!

Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun.

But before I get there, I thought I’d tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession?

And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won’t happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I’ll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives.

Thank YOU for being part of this journey!

RELATED RESOURCES:
My Save The Marriage System
My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass
My Books
The Husband Bootcamp
The Field Guide To Marriage

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Let’s just say that the bumper sticker, “I used to be cool,” has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I’m not sure I have really outgrown that.

In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever.

But I will tell you one thing about magic:  it taught me a ton of life lessons… and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day.

I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day.

Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the “trick” to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some “sleight of mind” that will shift their spouse.

But more than that, there are some other lessons from magic that I watch play out. For example, people can come up with the most complex idea about how to do something. They complicate some simple things… in magic tricks and in life. And particularly in marriages.

In this Save The Marriage Podcast episode, we discuss the problems people create in their attempts to find the trick to saving their marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES:
My new free resource, The Connection Compass
My Save The Marriage System
My books
A training on The Dangers of  the Shortcut

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection is Vital
You Need a Plan
3 C Approach
3 Levels of Connection
Save The Marriage System
The Connection Compass

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help?  And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage?  Tough question.  And I can’t answer it.

But I can help you get the answer.

I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course.  I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse.

In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that resource.  But more importantly, I tell you about four big mistakes people make… even before they get started with getting help.  These mistakes can cost you the possibility of even utilizing help.  At the very least, they make the process more difficult, and they make your spouse even more resistant.

Let’s cover the mistakes and get my report to you, so that you can find, get, and use the best help in saving your marriage.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Are You Helping or Hurting
Save The Marriage System
The Connection Compass – join for free to get the special report

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial — even critical — for the health and survival of your marriage.

But what if there is a trap… a Connection Trap?

Guess what?

There IS!

On this week’s podcast, I answer “D’s” question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C’s that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren’t bad choices. They just set a trap.

A trap I want to warn you about!

But first, let me make it clear:  I wholeheartedly agree with commitment.  It is the guiding star for any marriage.  And it is critically important for guidance as you navigate your marriage crisis.  It can keep you pointed toward safe-harbor while you work on healing.

The trap, then, is with the other two.  No, I am not against connection (it is at the heart of my approach in my System).  I get concerned with how people expect connection to work.  And that is the trap.  Chemistry is another complicator to the trap.

Listen in below as I discuss The Connection Trap.

RELATED RESOURCES
Healing Disconnection — Resources to Help
“Space” and Connection
The Connection Principle
The Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The Pause Button.  You didn’t know you hit it.  But you probably did.

“We’ll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends… (well, you get the idea).”

AFTER life, we will get back to love.

There is only one problem.  Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.

There IS no pause.

When you hit the Pause-Button, you are… even without realizing it… choosing the path of disconnection.

Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers.  Disconnected.

In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back.

RELATED RESOURCES
The Pause Button Marriage
Connection in Marriage
Surviving Disconnection
Communication in Marriage
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn’t that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort.

There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though.

Not impossible.

Just more complicated.

While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is tripping you up… and what to do about it!

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Stops Along The Way to Divorce
Why Connection is So Important
Can It Even Be Saved?
The Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Many people are struggling with depression.  And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage.  Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis?  Or… and this is more central to the question… how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis?

Depression is a reality for many people.  And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times.

The question is how you move through both crises:  depression and a marriage crisis.

In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES
Beat Depression Series
Showing Up In Marriage
Connection in Marriage
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS