Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is:

Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.

Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.

What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble?

Can they find their way back?

But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.

Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain?

Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don’t they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative?

Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse’s thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then.  (Memories are just current thoughts about past events — not accurate representations of the past.)

Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.

If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let’s look at the reasons it happens… and what you can do about it!

RELATED RESOURCES
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs)
How’s Your Attitude?
Hope and Stockdale Paradox
Where To Focus
“The Last Straw”
Going Pro
Program: Save The Marriage

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

“A” has been trying to set boundaries with her husband.  Trying to get the treatment she deserves.  Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.

But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way… rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone.  What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks

In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names.  But what about those less-clear actions — using a “you’re so stupid” tone (note that this requires you to read a tone… not always a good thing to try).

Sometimes, boundaries are clear.  You know how to set them.  I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System.

But when it is more subtle… a little harder to pin down.  And a little harder to call someone on.  What about that?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries and Control
Healing Hurt
Expectations and Agreements
Conflict
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Don’t Convince
Working on Connection
Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

There is a paradox I have seen over and over again.  And it threatens a marriage.  The expectations can sure get in the way.  But it seems to be the inverse correlation with attention that really causes a problem.  Here is a video to tell you more:

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Gratitude and Marriage
How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage
Ghosts of Marriage Past
Holidays and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

People make mistakes every day — all through life.

And people ABSOLUTELY make mistakes when they are trying to save their marriage!

That shouldn’t be a surprise.  First, most people don’t really know what TO do… so they aren’t sure what NOT to do.  Second, your emotions are running wild.

That combo is a recipe for disaster.

Does making a mistake ruin your chances?

Nope.

But it does make the work harder, the climb steeper.

Which is why I just made a video for you, so you can avoid 5 common mistakes people make.

Here is the video for you:

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it?  Your “created past.”  What is that?

We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connection And Marriage
Perceptions In Marriage
Fears In Marriage
Restore Your Marriage

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS