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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Can A Separation Save A Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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save your marriage even if separatedIn the past few days, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones announced they are separating.  Reportedly, the reason for the separation is to “take some time apart and work on themselves.”  The 13 year marriage has endured Douglas’ throat cancer and Zeta-Jones’ diagnosis of suffering from Bi-Polar Disorder.  The same report also notes that there has been no legal action.

Which raises the question:  can a separation save a marriage?  That is a simple “yes, it can.”  The more complicated question is “will a separation save a marriage?”  The answer to that is “not necessarily.”  In fact, research shows that at least 50% of couples that separate do not make it.  They end in divorce.  Does that number look suspiciously similar to you to the number of marriages that end in the general population?

This is true for one simple reason:  separations are not a panacea, and should really be seen as a “last-ditch effort,” not a starting point.

From my experience, separations are more generally “dress rehearsals for divorce.”  A marriage, and marriage issues, must be addressed by the two people.  Being separated generally brings relief from the pain of the struggle. . . but that does not necessarily mean that any real change is taking place.  If I take my hand out of a hot stream of water, I will feel relief from getting my hand out of the heat.  That does nothing to change the temperature of that water.

Too often, a separation serves one of two purposes:

1)  It allows one person to begin the process of distancing from the other person.  In other words, it is a half-step toward divorce.

2)  It allows both people to escape the tension of their current situation, but without any resolution or change.

So, yes, a separation can be a part of a marriage finding healing, but only if it is used appropriately.

Here are some guidelines to use a separation as a way to save a marriage:

1)  Use separation in separate locations as a last option. 

Separations within a home can be a better starting point.  It can give the needed distance to stop the hurts and anxiety of a relationship crisis.

2)  Before separating, be very clear about how you will stay connected.

You may hear people say that you should have NO contact during the separation.  First, if there are children involved, this is impossible.  Second, it leads to both people building their own individual lives, at which point it becomes the dress rehearsal for divorce.

The real problem in the relationship is the disconnection.  Further disconnection does nothing to heal that, but does usually increase the disconnect.

3)  Set up regular meetings to discuss the practical issues that come out of a joined life:  schedules, finances, etc. 

Having a regular time to touch base and address those issues will lessen the anxiety for both people.

4)  Set up regular times to just be together — with NO talks about the relationship or your problems.  Just a chance to be together in a lighter mood and place.

Set up a regular lunch time, coffee time, walks, or other times to be together with little expectation.  This begins to heal the disconnect that likely led to the marital issues.

5)  Commit to yourself on how you intend to improve yourself. 

Marriages often lead to stagnation in self-growth, and a separation, if one is intentional, can be a way to begin your own growth process.  It may mean meeting with a therapist, coach, or trusted friend.

What is important during this time is to not be derailed by the hurt of the separation.  Focus on what you can control:  yourself and your direction.  Move in the direction of growth and development.  Move in the direction of connecting with your spouse, when possible.

6)  Avoid acting in spiteful, angry, reactive, or vindictive ways. 

Don’t try to teach a lesson, or try to incite a reaction.  This is not a time to make a point, but to establish an alliance and reestablish a connection.

If you choose to react in angry or vindictive ways, you are most likely to merely confirm your spouse’s reasons for needing a separation.  It will not convince your spouse to reconsider, nor will it teach your spouse any helpful lesson — other than a confirmation of the need to stay away.

7)  Resist begging, pleading, or cajoling the person into coming home. 

Once a decision has been made to separate, the separation needs to be ended by a decision to reconnect.  It should not be made under duress, shame, or guilt.

8)  Resist using the children as a bargaining chip.

Children will be the losers in this.  Children are the innocent parties that have nothing to do with your relationship, so don’t use them as a bargaining chip.  Simply put, children need access to both parents, without feeling pulled or being a part of the struggle.

9)  For a constructive separation, decide on a sensible time frame. 

Open-ended separations are difficult for both parties.  “I don’t know how long” is a tough answer on both sides.  How does a separation end?  All the issues will not be solved, so that is not the end-game.  Suddenly feeling ready to be back together is also a stretch, as there will be some reluctance to re-enter a previously conflicted space.

But having a time frame (and I suggest NO MORE THAN 3 months), then at the end of that time, you have arrived at the time to end the separation.  The separation is, then, a structured break, with a designated end.

If your spouse will not agree, then don’t allow that to be another point of struggle.  Remember, you can only control your end of the situation.

10)  Begin the separation with the end in mind.  Start with an understanding that the reason for the separation is to move beyond the problems, to secure a stronger and more connected relationship.

While I am not in favor of separations, I know they happen.  So, if a separation is unavoidable, then build it in a way that will benefit your relationship.  Don’t let a separation derail your relationship.

Getting Unstuck: Podcast SaveTheMarriage Episode 5
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you stuck?  Do you feel like you cannot move forward, and that there should be something more?  Perhaps you are realizing that something is holding you back.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we turn our attention to getting unstuck:

  • Why we get stuck.
  • How to avoid blame and take responsibility.
  • How to discover your limiting beliefs.
  • How to change your limiting beliefs.
  • Why you can forgive (the secret to forgiving).
  • How to forgive and move on.
  • Why forgiving does not place you at risk.
  • Most of all, how to get unstuck!

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How To Heal Disconnection PODCAST: Save The Marriage Episode 4
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The latest Save The Marriage Podcast is here and available!

In this episode, we discuss emotional disconnection and how to heal it.

I provide 4 foundational steps in how to heal the disconnection and rebuild the connection, along with concrete steps on exactly what to do.

Let me know what you think in the comments below!

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Why Connection Is Easier To Heal Than You Think. . . And How To Do It!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Jill and Steve were similar to lots of other couples I have seen.  Both were deeply hurt and angry with the other.  Neither felt loved or cared for.  Both felt deeply disconnected.  But Jill dragged Steve into my office, hoping for a change.  Steve was sure that nothing could be done, telling me “it just isn’t meant to be.  If it were, we would not always be so hurt and angry.”

While Jill was hurt, she was still hopeful that something could change, that there was some solution to this painful spot.  She felt no connection, but still yearned for that connection.  So even against my advice, she begged Steve to come for therapy.  On the phone, I warned her that forcing someone into therapy was no way to start the therapy process.  I asked her to consider whether Steve would be able to even engage in therapy if he felt forced.  And in spite of this, Jill scheduled an appointment and somehow “arm-twisted” Steve into joining. . . for 1 session.  He refused to return, saying “What’s the use?”

He did, however, state that if Jill continued, he didn’t care.  And this was an opening in my mind.  Slight, but an opening.  While he did not see any hope (so he stated), he would not get in the way of Jill trying to do something.

And Jill did return.  For weeks, we talked about their relationship.  I gave Jill some different ways of thinking about relationships in general, and there relationship in specifics.  She began to see where they had become disconnected — and also saw some ways to reconnect.  I wondered if she could use the advice to save her marriage, especially given the resistance I saw in Steve.

Still, I have seen many relationships come back from the ashes — often surprising me, and I have seen lots of relationships!  So, I gave Jill some coaching to approach the situation slowly and calmly.  I worked with Jill to help her carefully begin the process of reconnecting.

While Jill wanted connection, she didn’t really believe much could change.  But desperation sometimes moves us to act beyond our hopes, to pursue even a glimmer of hope.

After a month of coaching, Jill decided she had the tools and wanted to just continue working at it.  In that final session, she told me she was not particularly hopeful, but still wanted to give it a go.  I gave her my blessings and told her to let me know how things went.

In a nutshell, this is the advice I gave Jill:

how to save your marriage connection1)  Humans are built for connection.  We are wired to be in a deeply connected relationship with someone else.  When the connection is not there, the hurt is so deep that it comes out as anger.  But it is really deep hurt — which still indicates a desire for connection.

2)  When people are hurt, they resist connection because they fear the hurt.  People are desperate for connection, but even more desperate to not feel the pain anymore.  So, they reject attempts at reconnection. . . at least initially.

3)  Attempts at connection should start slowly, be low-key, and cannot come from your own desperation to connect.  Ironically, a relationship is made of two people are desperate for the connection, which is why a marriage crisis throws people into such a quagmire.  Each feels the pain, and neither can easily move beyond the pain.  Each feels the connection, and neither can move toward the other in connection.

But if one can take a different path and set aside the hurt, change is possible.  Desperation never feels like genuine connection, so that person has to stay calm.  Huge acts of connection feel insincere and are usually unsuccessful, but small acts can begin to melt the ice.

4)  Because we want connection, once the ice melts, reconnection can happen very quickly.  Deep hurt that comes out as anger can make it appear impossible to be close.  But once the reconnection starts, icy-cold can quickly become warm, which even more quickly becomes a heated connection.

This is a fact that used to surprise me.  I couldn’t understand how such an angry relationship could turn around so quickly.  But once I realized that the reason was because our need for connection is so deep, we are basically wired for connection, and once that spot is hit, the relationship takes off.

Which is my point of noting this!  When we can move beyond our hurt and pain, and when we can reach out and work on the connection, we can heal the disconnection.  Because of our innate need for that connection, once we remove the barrier, we come together quickly.  It is almost like two magnets, held apart by a barrier.  The pull between them can seem absent.  But if the barrier is removed, the magnets pull together with an acceleration that can be surprising.

But what about Jill and Steve?

Over the next few months, I wondered what happened, but was not particularly hopeful.  Then, four months later, Jill contacted me and asked if she could come in.  I scheduled an appointment, and was a bit surprised to enter my waiting room and find Jill and Steve on the couch, leaning into each other and laughing about an article in a magazine.

During that last session, Jill and Steve told me a story of reconnection and healing.  Jill was true to her word.  She stayed calm and continued to work on reconnecting.

At first, Steve was very resistant, but he found himself slowly melting into the conversations and connections.  Then, Steve began to take a risk and worked to return the connection.  This sent them on a recovery path that was of exponential growth as each effort compounded the efforts already taken.

We wrapped up the session talking about strategies for making sure that the disconnection never happened again.  And for the last couple of years, I have received a card on their anniversary, assuring me they had been doing just that.

Save The Marriage Podcast #3: Should Every Marriage Be Saved?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Now that I am back from vacation, it is time to get busy!

Unfortunately, while paddling my paddleboard in a rather rough ocean, when I should have just fallen to the side, I tried to stay on.  The board had other plans, and I landed on my side, injuring my ribs, so I am a few days’ late getting the new podcast episode up, but here it is!

The topic is “Should Every Marriage Be Saved?”  It was a question posed by a listener, and one that is important to consider.  I follow up with answering the question, “How do you know it is time to quit trying?”

Take a listen and let me know what you think.

 

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Learning To Surf. . . Again
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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My hip is aching. This morning, I fell on my paddle, catching the handle on my hip. And now, several hours later, my shoulders are sore. Oh, and I have a rash on my forearm from the friction of the board, from me climbing on repeatedly.
I have been paddle boarding for a couple of years, and did a little surfing as a teen. Never good, but always loving it.
Up until this morning, my paddling was on the waterway and on a river near our home. But I really wanted to try the ocean.
So this morning, I gave it a shot!
I knew how to get past the breakers, and then tried to hop up like always. Only to discover that the ocean was multidimensional, with movement on every axis. So down I went. . . over and over.
It wasn’t fun. But I wanted to learn how to paddle in the ocean and maybe how to surf a big board.
Like many people interested in a topic, I had read a lot on how to do it. So, the “how to” was in my head. It was not so much in my muscle memory. I just kept on falling.
Until I got it.
After 45 minutes, I could stay up pretty well. Not great, but good enough to enjoy.
Then, just as I headed back in, a pod of dolphins surrounded me. That moment, at that instant, I didn’t care about the falls, the rash, and the bruises.
Any challenge is like that. It seems awkward at first. It may even be a bit painful. But if you persevere, there is almost always a blessing. It may not be what we expected. I didn’t suddenly start catching waves. But I did feel a blessed moment with the dolphins.
If you are working to save our marriage, there are some self-imposed boundaries:
1) “What if it doesn’t work?”
This is a question that haunts us at the beginning of any venture. It is just fear talking, as it can be used as a debate point with yourself at the beginning of anything.
If it doesn’t work, you have still done all you can, and you will have grown.
Instead, go the other way: “What if I do nothing?” The answer to that is easy. Things will either stay stuck or get worse. There will be no improvement
2) “What if I do something wrong?”
You will. That is the nature of doing something new and different. But trying is moving in the right direction. So just accept you will stumble. Just pick yourself up and do it again!
3) “What if I get hurt?”
We all fear pain, emotional and physical. But pain is a part of life, and can lead to growth. Fearing pain does not prevent it. Accepting pain as a fact of life allows you to try something new.
Protecting yourself keeps you on the defense, living a constricted life. Choose to live big, in spite of the fear.
4) “What will people think?”
People were all along the beach, including my wife’s yoga class. I am pretty sure they a) got a chuckle over my falls and b) forgot about it 5 minutes later.
I believe this: it is always amazing and noble when people take on a new challenge, when people choose to leave a comfort zone.
Don’t worry about what others think. Concern yourself about what you want and move in that direction.
Risk a stumble. Challenge yourself. Live a life of growth and opportunity.

 

PODCAST: How NOT To Save Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage?

Yes.

This is CRUCIAL information, as these are common ways I see people approach their marriage crisis, AND it only causes more trouble.

You can listen below to this week’s podcast.  In it, I discuss my Top 10 Ways To NOT Save Your Marriage.  Perhaps you can add to my list?

Take a listen and let me know.

 

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NEW! Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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In an effort to deliver information you want in the format you desire, we have just started the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Episode 1 is here.  In this episode, I discuss the secret to a successful marriage, along with the 3 simple steps to saving your marriage.

To subscribe through iTunes, CLICK HERE.

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If You Save Your Marriage, Will It Only Happen Again?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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After a long conversation with “Nancy,” I thought she was ready to work to save her marriage.  But I noticed she was hesitant.  I had no idea why.  I just knew she was not quite ready to take action.  I asked, “Nancy, do you want to save your marriage?”

Nancy claimed she did, but she was afraid.  Which means that Nancy is like everyone else that is wanting to work on their marriage.  It is a scary undertaking!

And finally, Nancy told me her fear:  “What if I work on saving my marriage, and I DO save my marriage, and then our relationship gets into trouble again?”save your marriage

As strongly as I could, I told Nancy this, “If you save your marriage, if you truly transform yourself and your relationship, your marriage will NEVER be threatened again!”  (There are really 3 steps to saving your marriage.  You can find the steps in an article here.)

There are really two different ways to go about saving your relationship.

1)  You can use reverse psychology, “hypnosis,” or any other number of tricks to stop your spouse’s actions that are moving toward ending a relationship.  You can manipulate, force, cajole, or guilt a spouse into not taking action.  You can find some way of stopping your spouse by withholding finances, children, assets, etc., as a way of forcing NO action.

2)  You can truly change your relationship.  You can change yourself, improving your own life, while also transforming the relationship.

If you decide to take the “shortcut,” the “easy answer,” and do #1, you will find that this approach runs out of steam.  Eventually, a spouse figures out the manipulation, or a spouse refuses to be bullied.  At that point, your spouse will be even MORE invested in getting out — and for good reason!  Now, they not only feel the relationship is failing, but that they are being forced, manipulated, and tricked.  This only adds fuel to the fire.

IF, however, you take option #2 — you decide that the relationship you had did not work and must be transformed, and you decide that YOU need to make a change and grow to a new place, THEN you have solved the problems for good.  Your marriage will never be threatened because it is now an entirely different relationship.

Does that mean you will never have a disagreement, never get angry, and never have times of disconnection?  Absolutely not.  You will disagree, be angry, and feel disconnected at times.  The difference is that you will know how to move beyond those issues.  You will learn to reconnect.  You will know you can trust the bond between you.

Are you ready for that?  Join me in helping you do that with my system.  Click Here to grab it!

Does Marriage Counseling Work?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Each year, many thousands of couples go to marriage counseling all over the world.  But does marriage counseling work?

That’s the big question, isn’t it?  People go, pay for help, and hope they are going to receive it.

For the past quarter of a century, I have been working with couples to save and improve their marriage.  I was trained as a marriage therapist.  And for the first few years, I worked hard to help couples.  But when I looked around, I became disturbed.  Marriages were still failing.  People were not improving their relationship.

So, I started looking at the research.  The research that asked that very question, “does marriage counseling work?”

What Does the Research Say?  Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Well, the research found in various journals is pretty clear.  In many studies, marriage counseling was found to be one of the least helpful versions of therapy.

Roughly, 50% of couples who went to marriage counseling still ended up divorced.  That matches the statistics for marriage, in general.  More than that, 25% reported being worse-off after therapy than before.  And only 15-18% reported any improvement in their relationship.

So imagine going to a doctor and having the doctor say “You need a procedure.  The mortality rate is 50%.  There is a 25% chance that you will be worse off after the procedure.  And really, there is only a 20% chance that it will help.”  Would you be rushing out to have the procedure?

I would not be ready to jump in.

Why Doesn’t Marriage Counseling Work?

The Therapist Issues

To be sure, there are caring and gifted therapists everywhere.  In my experience, therapists are really wanting to help.  There is no question that almost all therapists are committed to helping.  Many, though, do not have the tools or training to help.

More than that, many couples enter marriage counseling when they are absolutely at the end of the relationship.  What might have been a slight “course correction” in the early days of the problem, has become major surgery on a near-death victim.  Sometimes, too much damage is done.

But the reality is that many therapists have not made the necessary shift in process to be helpful in a marriage.  Therapy is an excellent tool for individual growth and development.  And in individual therapy, the therapist knows exactly who the client is — which can be a bit more confusing when there are two “clients.”  The therapist is trained to respond to the individual.  And without a paradigm shift or specific training, the therapist becomes less clear about the client.

So part of the reason why marriage counseling often doesn’t work is a matter of perspective and training.

Also, many therapists have long bought into the idea that communication is the issue.  The goal becomes helping a couple to communicate better.  But communication helps very little if there is a great deal of animosity and misperception between the couple.  Clearing the misperceptions and creating the connection is much more important.

The Couple Issues

Part of the problem comes from the couple.  Here, a number of factors affect the outcome.

First, many times, one person drags the other person into the process.  The resistant spouse is reluctant to enter into the process.  And with only half of the relationship, at best, joining the process, the potential for healing in therapy drops drastically.

Second, in this culture of experts, we are used to having someone else do the “hard work.”  A doctor is responsible to figure out what is wrong with you and give you a treatment.  And we seem to prefer a treatment that is easy for us.  For example, while exercise is helpful in many health problems, most patients will choose to pop a pill rather than take a walk.

We are used to an expert giving us an easy solution. And when we leave it to the therapist, we remove our own responsibility to take action.

Couples who are waiting for the therapist to fix their problem, whether this is a conscious or unconscious desire, place the burden on a therapist.  When this happens, at the end of unsuccessful therapy, the couple says, “Well, we tried marriage counseling and it didn’t help.”  They never realize that they failed to take action or responsibility.

The medical model of care is changing.  Patients are, more and more, partnering with their doctor.  Patients look for information to help understand the problem and treatment.  The same proactive approach would benefit couples counseling.

When Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Marriage counseling does work for many people.  There are several ways that any couple can increase the likelihood of counseling helping.

First, couples should take the time to find the right fit with a therapist.  If I am having brain surgery, I am simply wanting the best surgeon for that surgery.  After all, I will be asleep while the doctor is working.  But therapy is based in relationship.  When the therapist/client relationship is not good, the couple will simply resist the best efforts of the therapist, even if the advice is in the couple’s best interest.

Second, couples should ask about training.  Is it specialized in marriage counseling?  And how does the therapist understand the client?  Does the therapist understand that the client is really the relationship?  Any other idea misses the point.

Third, couples should take full responsibility for their outcome.  The best therapist cannot help a couple that refuses to take action.  And sometimes, the worst therapist can’t stop a motivated couple from getting better.

Couples who work on their relationship, find information that is helpful, and take full responsibility for getting their marriage unstuck are likely to benefit the most from therapy.

Alternatives to Marriage Therapy

There are a number of other options, rather than just marriage counseling.  Couples can attend retreats and workshops.  Couples may find it helpful to work with a Relationship Coach.  Other couples can find help in home study courses, books, and other resources.

If your marriage is in trouble, there is no reason to see marriage counseling as your only option.  Even if you both choose to enter into therapy, be sure that you take responsibility for building something great.

Many couples have found my Save The Marriage System to be an excellent replacement for marriage counseling or an adjunct to therapy.

Let me invite you to grab my program and get started saving your marriage.