Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. – Page 8 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Is a Marriage Intensive for You?

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By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 8, 2023

Recently, more and more people have been asking about “Marriage Intensives.” If you aren’t familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions. The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage.

Often (but not always), they are run by therapists. Either they come to you or you go to them. And then, you “hit it hard.” You may do multi-hour, multiple times per day, sessions over the days you spend together.

The plan is to send you home, having resolved your issues and all fixed.

If that is something you have (or are) considering, please take a listen to the podcast, as I talk through these approaches. I am hoping I can help you make an informed decision. And if you have already been to one, listen in to see if you think I am accurate. I’d love to hear your experience.

Listen in below as we discuss whether a marriage intensive is for you.

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The Marriage Murdering Myth

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 1, 2023

There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.

The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged your marriage?

How is the trap set?

Think back to the beginning of your relationship. The early days. When you were so happy to have found that “one.” Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person? How happy you were to see each other? How much better life seemed? It was intoxicating.

And plays directly into this myth.

This myth is all about marriage and happiness… and the role of a spouse.

Listen to this week’s podcast to understand this myth… and why it is so dangerous!

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Sharing Power

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 18, 2023

It’s a partnership. Right?

Right?

Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared.

Many arguments and disagreements are either fueled by or end in a power struggle.

And when decisions are made without a feeling of shared buy-in, those decisions rarely get us anywhere useful. In fact, when one person feels left out of the decision, it is unlikely that the outcome will serve the relationship — if it succeeds at all!

So, how DOES a couple share power. How DOES a couple make decisions that both feel good about?

In this episode of the podcast, I discuss how couples can do a better job of sharing power with Dr. Wyatt Fisher. A Licensed Psychologist, Wyatt draws on his clinical work and his own marriage experience to answer how couples can better manage power in their relationship.

Listen in as I pick Wyatt’s brain about couple decision making and power sharing.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Wyatt’s Website
Being a WE
Are You a Team?
Lee’s System

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Helping or Hurting??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2023

You’ve been working on saving your marriage… and you aren’t seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn’t moving as fast as you would like.

Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.

But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?

Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?

Yes.

There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone’s efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.

More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.

So, let’s talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.

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A-ha Moment or Slow Turn-Around?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 14, 2022

You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/)

Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making.

Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship?

It is a great question. And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast.

And I did! I cover it on this week’s episode.

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Staying Together for the Wrong Reasons??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 7, 2022

I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?”

Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce. And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene. And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?” So, they stay together.

But is that enough, they ask? Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?”

You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship.

I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast.

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Your Spouse Isn’t…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 30, 2022

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.

There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want. It is when they are not.

As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly. It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship. But especially a marriage!

I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give. And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain.

All because of an expectation that can’t be met.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be). Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt).

Listen below.

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The Last Thing You May Be Feeling… And Shifting

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 23, 2022

This may be the last thing you are feeling… but it should be first!

What is it? Gratitude. Appreciation. Thankfulness.

Here we are, staring right down the barrel at Thanksgiving (if you are in the States). And if you are caught in a marriage crisis, you may not be “feeling it.”

But as I often tell people who ask me if I am ready for some Holiday, “It doesn’t matter, it’s coming, anyway!”

Maybe you aren’t feeling it. Just the same, Thanksgiving is here. Mixed feelings or not, the day comes.

That day we set aside for being thankful, feeling it or not. Wanting it or not.

And yet, the day commemorates the day when those settlers, having trekked to the new world, had faced down grim circumstances. They weathered it (literally), and many didn’t make it. Nor were they out of the woods, yet! Another winter was quickly approaching.

Which is why they found it important to stop and be thankful. Not pretending that there was no struggle, but seeing that there was more to life than just the struggle. There was also much for which they could be grateful.

The same is true for us.

So, here are some resources to help you make an important shift, both for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.

Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis

How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage

What Thriving People Know About Gratitude And Appreciation

2 Targets To Thrive

The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2022

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?

Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.

What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved.

Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.

But….

And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling.

In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support.

So, what now?

Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below.

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Is It Too Toxic??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 9, 2022

You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage. I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

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