Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 28 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

NMF: The Fastest Path to Failure

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 15, 2018 August 15, 2018

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 15, 2018

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”: It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.

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What About Addictions?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 8, 2018

Sometimes, people want to check with me and see if my System addresses certain special issues. One that recurs is the question about addictions. What if they or their spouse is addicted? Will that be a problem in saving the marriage?

Since it is a recurring question, I decided to address it in this episode of the podcast.

But the quick answer is “Yes, it is an issue. Yes, it needs to be addressed. But no, that does not discount or eliminate the issues in the marriage. It adds another layer.”

The longer answer is addressed in the podcast.

But first, let me be clear in saying that I believe humans have a propensity to addiction. Many of us avoid immediately destructive addictions. But many of us do fall prey to longer-term damage from addictions. For example, sugar. While it may not kill as quickly as alcohol or opiates, the long term damage is undeniable.

In this case, we are looking, though, at more immediately damaging addictions, both to substances and processes (sex, gambling, etc.).

If addictions, either your own or your spouse’s, is adding to your marriage crisis, take a listen to see how the two pieces of the puzzle must be addressed.

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Marriage and Self-Expansion

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 1, 2018

“I just outgrew you,” he said to her in my office. But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually “outgrown” her. But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth. He said, “You stifle me,” and she answered, “You never care about my interests.”

And both were right.

But both missed the opportunity — self-expansion as a part of the relationship. They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.

Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.

Great term, “self-expansion.” In a world of “self-growth” and “self-development,” the idea is a bit broader. Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change. But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons? Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.

Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)? Is there room for growing? Support for growing? Sharing new experiences together? Sharing your passions for individual interests? Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.

Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Top 10 Myths Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 25, 2018

There are so many myths out there about marriage, marital therapy, saving your marriage, and divorce. Do you believe any of them? If you do, they may be getting in the way of your efforts to save and improve your marriage.

These myths are so common that YOU may believe them, your spouse may believe them, your friends and family may believe them… even your therapist may believe them.

And that’s trouble!

Learn the myths in the links below, then take action!

Top 10 Myths of Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy HERE

Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage HERE

Top 10 Myths of Divorce HERE

Ready to bust the myths and take action grab my Save The Marriage System HERE

You Know You’re On The Same Team… Right??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 11, 2018

One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to… win… well, to be honest, I don’t know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage!

I stopped them, looked at them and said, “You do know you are on the same team…” and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, “… right??”

They certainly were not working like a team. They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other. They were struggling to win. But either one “winning” would be a “lose” for the marriage.

Too many people miss this one essential — crucial — fact about marriage… you both are on the same team. You are working toward a common goal (or should be). The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.

This is the fundamental point of being what I call a “WE.” WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other’s back; WE are a team! Same side, same direction (or should be).

Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connecting
Being A WE
Conflict
Save The Marriage System

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“It shouldn’t be this hard!” (And Other Lies We Tell About Marriage)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 4, 2018

Far from the first time, he turned to me in the middle of a session and said, “See? It just shouldn’t be this hard. That is why I know this marriage is wrong. If it were right, we wouldn’t struggle like this.”

I had to admit… they were struggling. It was difficult. BUT, the struggle did not prove the marriage was wrong. It did demonstrate that the way they were interacting was not good for the relationship (or for either of the two people in my office).

What it did not prove was that the marriage was wrong.

Quick stat. Do you have any idea what percent of marriages have difficulties and struggles?

Here is the answer… if you haven’t guessed: 100%

Yep. All of them.

Somewhere around 50% figure out how to move through the struggle or stick it out, in spite of the struggle.

That’s just one of the lies we tell about marriages. Not that people mean to lie. They just say what they believe… which is a lie (or based on a lie). Let me tell you four of the bigger lies people tell (themselves) in this episode of the podcast.

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5 Truths Every Couple Should Know

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 27, 2018

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.

Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage — happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage — this applies! If you are struggling through — this applies! If you aren’t sure if it will survive — this applies!

A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.

And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.

Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage — and can build a great relationship!

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Marriage and The Goldilocks Principle

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 20, 2018

Remember that children’s story? Goldilocks, lost in the woods, stumbles upon the bear family home — which they had just left. Inside, she finds one bowl of porridge too hot, one too cold, and one just right. Same with chairs: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Same with beds: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Goldilocks picks (duh) the “just right” option and falls asleep.

But remember: the too hot/cold, too hard/soft items were not too hard/soft, hot/cold for other members of the bear family. We all have “just rights” that are just right to us — not to others.

And that is true with marriage. Healthy marriages are built to be “just right” to both people. In hurting marriages, it may not be “just right” for either. Or it may only be “just right” to one. Both situations can cause strife, conflict, and pain.

This week, let’s talk about how the “Goldilocks Principle” applies to marriage — and how you might be able to get to a “just right” relationship.

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3 Ways To Absolutely Guarantee Marital Therapy Will Fail

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 13, 2018

There it is, right on my website: marital therapy is not particularly effective. And yet, people often contact me to ask, “Where can I get therapy?”

Why?

Because our culture is psychologized and therapized, for good or bad.

So let me be crystal clear: I am NOT across-the-board opposed to marital therapy. There are excellent therapists out there. And there are excellent approaches out there.

It just isn’t guaranteed that you will find the right therapist, or that you and your spouse will approach therapy in a way that will be effective.

Which is the two parts of the problem: Therapist issues and client issues.

This week, I want to discuss 3 ways to really guarantee that your marriage therapy will fail. One is all about the therapist you choose. Two ways are about how you use the therapy.

And here is the super-cool thing: if you know these 3 ways to absolutely guarantee failure… you can avoid them! Then, therapy (if you so choose it) has a chance of helping… and not harming… your relationship.

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Of Apologies and Forgiving

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 6, 2018

We all have hurts from close relationships — and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don’t heal.

Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn’t have to happen.

Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long. Weeks, months, even years. Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way.

There are two parts to the process of healing: apology and forgiving. But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other. They are separate. Sometimes, people lump them together. And while they are related, one does not link to the other.

You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you. Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive.

Let’s talk about each of these processes and why they are not related… and why that is important. Listen below.

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