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Save Your Marriage Podcast

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3 Ways To Stay In The Game When You Want To Quit: #66
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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ReadyToGiveUpSmall

We all hit that point where we just want to give up.  Remember that poster with the cat at the end of the rope?  We get it.  We’ve all been there.

While working on your relationship, you may have already hit it.  Or you may feel close.

This is normal.  Working on a relationship can be frustrating, painful, scary, and defeating.  That is part of the process.  This is especially true if your relationship has been falling apart for awhile.

You see, many people finally realize their marriage is on the rocks as the ship is taking on water.  You keep on bailing, but it seems to keep on filling.

So, when that feeling hits, what do you do?  How do you stay in the game?  How do you keep moving forward?

Today, I want to give you 3 ways to do just that.  These 3 strategies will help you continue forward, in spite of the feelings you may have of wanting to quit.

Since you are here, that tells me you have a commitment to persevering.  Let me give you some strategies to do just that.

Let me know what you think in the comments are below.

And if you are ready to get your plan together, visit me at SaveTheMarriage.com.

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The Science of Saving Your Marriage: #65 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Turn toward your spouse.Sometimes, it all just seems like opinion.  Lots of people with lots of opinion on what you should do to save your marriage.

But what DOES science tell us about saving your relationship?

It turns out, LOTS.

Today, I want to cover one small piece of the puzzle.  This is one piece of research you can IMMEDIATELY apply to your relationship.

Better yet, you can apply this researched response, regardless of what your spouse chooses to do (or not do).

This one piece of information was proven to be 94% accurate in predicting whether a couple stays together or divorces.  That’s pretty strong evidence!

Listen, and start applying today!

If you are ready for even more help, all based on the most current science of relationships, email me at [email protected] and I will link you up!

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4 Steps To Not Ruining Today With Yesterday: #64 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't ruin today with yesterday.I have heard too many spouses say, “I would love it if we could save our marriage.  But you have NO IDEA about what has happened!  There is no way for us to move forward!”

Or how about this one?: “Do you have any idea what he/she did?  How can I ever forgive/trust/move on/reconnect/love again?”

As far as we can tell, we humans are the only creatures capable of looking at what has happened and reformulating what is to come.

We are the only ones who can thoughtfully say, “Well, that didn’t work.  I think I had better learn a new way/decide on a new path/try something different.”

And as far as we can tell, we are the only creatures that continually live our lives caught in the past, living in the land of “what has been,” while failing to note “what is happening right now.”

This is why I love Dr. Gary Chapman’s quote so much:  “I am amazed at how many people ruin today with yesterday.”

Where do YOU live?  Where does your spouse live?

You DO have a choice.

Today, I want to talk about 4 simple practices that will help you leave the past where it belongs — in the past, and how to move into what is, this present moment.

By following these 4 simple practices, you can escape the trap of the past, while still learning from it and changing for the better.

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“I Love You, But I’m Not In Love.” What It Means, What To Do: #63
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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LoveIsAVerbCoveysmall“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”  That single statement starts more marriage crises than any other sentence.

To be clear, the issues were already there.

It’s just that many times, one spouse does not know how disconnected the other spouse is feeling.

But when that one statement drops, everything changes.  The issues are out there.  The problems begin to emerge.

The festering infection is now brought to the surface.

Sometimes, the infection has been festering for years — maybe even the vast majority of the relationship.

Maybe there have been some attempts to address the marital problems in the past.  Sometimes, a habit here or there has been changed.

But the underlying dynamic that is causing the real marriage crisis, that has eluded efforts.

“I’m not in love with you” can feel like a kick in the gut.  The emotional pain can double you over.

And when we are in emotional pain, we rarely respond in constructive and helpful ways.  The infection can quickly overwhelm the marriage.

But what does that phrase REALLY mean?  Why does it often appear “out of the blue?”  Why is the spiral down so quick after this is spoken?

Let’s talk about this.  In today’s podcast, I help you understand the meaning behind this phrase — and what to do about it!

If you want further help and have heard this phrase, please grab my Save The Marriage System.  If you want further help, let me know at [email protected]

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Stop Trying To Convince Your Spouse To Stay!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Stop trying to convince your spouse to stay.You line up your argument:  hit ’em with facts about how divorce affects the kids, show ’em how divorce will devastate retirement for both of you, show ’em research that proves divorces do not lead to more happiness or satisfaction, etc., etc., etc.

Now, you just know you can convince your spouse to stay!

Have you done that?  Have you decided to rationally explain why you should stay married, and how you two can work things out?

How did it go?

My guess is, it failed miserably.  At least in my experience, I have not seen that approach work.  A polite spouse may say, “You’ve given me lots to think about.”  (This is short-hand for “You’ve given me lots to think about, but I have no intention of thinking about it.”)  A less polite spouse may tell you where you can go, making it clear that the spouse is not interested in logic or reason.

Why is that?  Aren’t we reasonable creatures?  Don’t we follow logic?

The simple, and quite obvious, truth is that we humans are anything but rational, reasonable, and logical.

A quick glance around will let you know that logic is not winning in the world.  Emotions carry the day.

In fact, according to research, upwards of 90% of decision-making is emotional (and mostly unconscious).  We simply look for logical and rational reasons to support our emotional decisions.

Which is why your efforts to argue logic and reason will fail.

Marriage is nurtured by emotional connection — and starved by a lack of it.  When a marriage is connection-starved, decisions to leave are fueled, not by logic, but by emotions.  And attempts to argue logic?  They will fail.

Listen to the podcast and let me know what you think!

If you feel the need for more help in healing the emotions, drop me an email at [email protected].

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Are You “ALL IN?” Taking The Leap: #61 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Yep.  I did it.  I jumped right out of a perfectly good plane!  The attorney said he had no idea WHY someone would do that!

A little explanation:  for years, my son said he wanted to skydive when he turned 18.

That was years ago.

Last week, he turned 18 (what happened to those years??).

Time to follow through.

My wife spent a great deal of time and effort for us to be able to take the leap on his 18th birthday.  But the weather had other plans.  A rainy, yucky day canceled the jump. . . .

Until the next day.  A beautiful, sunny, cool fall day.

We drove out into the middle of nowhere.  And we jumped.

The pre-recorded disclaimer by the attorney said it all.  He stated, and I quote, “I have no idea why someone would choose to jump out of a perfectly good plane.  But you have chosen to.”

We did.

The ride up was no big deal.  I kept rehearsing what needed to happen.

But that one moment, precariously balanced on the wing, staring down 10,000 feet to the ground, I had a thought, “What am I doing?”  Then, I recommitted, and we jumped.

And since I am writing this, we also landed.Are You ALL IN?

That jump made me think about one thing:  there has to be that time when you fully commit to something.  That moment when there is no turning back.  There is only going forward, leaping into the unknown and hoping for the best.

Working on your marriage requires that leap!

Sometimes, we get so caught up in becoming an expert in some new pursuit that we forget to jump.

If you want to save your marriage, you do need to gather some basic information and begin to create your strategy. (If you need help with that, grab my Save The Marriage System.)

But then, at some point, you have to commit and leap.

You can’t keep planning.  You have to get started.

Once you get started, you can work on fine-tuning your plan, learn more, and continue progressing.

Take a listen to my podcast, and if you are ready for some coaching “on the way down,” drop me an email!  Email me here.

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5 Myths of Connection: #60 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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5 myths of connection.“What happened?,” Julie asked me.  “We were so in love!  We got married, and everything was perfect.  I just thought it would be easy from there!”

Then, Julie began to tell me a story about growing careers, a big social life, passionate pursuit of hobbies, and then children.  Three.  All within 5 years.

One day, when the youngest had just started school, Julie’s husband dressed for work, dimpled his tie, turned toward Julie and said, “I’m not happy, you are not happy.  This is not working.”  Then, he left.

Julie was shocked that he was so matter-of-fact.  Could he really drop that emotional grenade and head to work, acting as if nothing happened?  Julie reeled through the day, lost in her painful thoughts.  Hadn’t they been in love at one point?  Wasn’t this supposed to be “happily ever after?”

Then, Julie saw flashes.  Times when each chose something else — a hobby, an activity, friends, work, children, even the iPhone, over spending time with each other.  Julie realized they had stopped kissing goodnight, stopped holding hands at church, and stopped telling each other about their days.

Oh, Julie had known this.  But she kept telling herself, “When the kids are older. . . ,” “When he gets that promotion. . . ,” “When the triathlon is over. . . ,” “When summer/fall/winter/spring comes. . . .”  She just knew they could reconnect then.

But after each new stage of life, they just continued on the well-worn path of disconnection.

Julie and her husband had drained their battery of connection.  Sure, it was well-charged when they married.  But they kept draining it over the years, neither noticing the battery was nearing being drained.  Then one day, Julie’s husband spoke a truth they both knew:  they were disconnected.  In fact, they were so disconnected that he could say the words and go to work.  He might have know Julie would be caught off-guard.  But he was disconnected enough that he didn’t care.

Connection is like your cellphone battery.  It may carry you through a day or so.  But the more you drain the batter, the longer it will take to recharge.  Keep draining it, and at some point, it will simply shut down.

Let’s look at the 5 myths of connection in this week’s podcast.  See if you are falling into the myths — and headed for trouble.

If you are already there, please grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

If you want even more advanced training, drop me a note:  [email protected]

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7 Stages of Disconnection — Where Are You?: #59
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The 7 Stages of DisconnectionIs your marriage feeling disconnected?

Connection is the nourishment of every marriage.  If you break the connection, you starve the relationship.

So why are so many marriages connection-starved?

Most people don’t realize how important the connection is.  So, life gets in the way:  careers, friends, hobbies, interests, children.  Over time, the distractions build up.

Until one day, you realize that either you do not feel the warmth toward your spouse or your spouse does not feel the warmth toward you.

By then, you may already be a couple of stages into the disconnection spiral.  And you may have never seen it coming!

Just a couple of days ago, “Sue” told me she thought the relationship would take care of itself.  She thought she and her husband built the connection during their dating days.

“Somehow,” she told me, “I thought the marriage would just roll along.  We would be happy and all would be good.  I forgot to reach out to him.  He stopped reaching out to me.  Now, there is a huge, cold divide between us in bed.  I don’t even know how to move forward.  I am beginning to think he doesn’t even like me anymore.  And I have lost all respect.”

Take a look at the graphic to the right.

You will notice that Sue has identified 2 stages in the process of disconnection:  dislike and disrespect.

Where is YOUR relationship?

In today’s podcast, I explore the very typical (but very tragic) pattern of disconnection — a process that takes many marriages right to the brink of divorce and separation.

If you know the stages, you can understand the process.  And the process is reversible.  The earlier you start, the easier the process.  The deeper the hurt and the lower the stage, the more difficult the recovery process.

Are you ready to reconnect?  Please grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

If you already have my System, but want some more intensive training, shoot me an email:  [email protected].  I have some audio training that will transform you and your marriage.

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Is It Emotional Infidelity?: #58 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Emotional Infidelity in marriage.When is it emotional infidelity?  What are the signs of emotional affairs?

These are common questions I hear when I speak with people.

Why is it so hard to define this?

One simple reason:  it is a gray area of connection.  A physical affair is much more clearly defined.  A physical boundary has been violated.  So, while there may be some difference of opinion on what constitutes an affair, it is clear when it becomes physical.

Not so with emotional infidelity.  In almost every case, it starts innocently enough. . . so innocently that the involved parties continue to proclaim that nothing is wrong, no boundary has been violated, and there is no problem with the relationship.

Yet emotional affairs DO threaten marriages.  Emotional infidelity sucks the limited emotional resources a person has, leaving the marriage floundering without connection.  The emotional pain for the spouse who is losing the connection to someone else can be as extreme as if there was a physical affair.

Unfortunately, this often falls outside of the understanding of the spouse involved in the emotional relationship.  He or she will often continue to justify, argue, and refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong. . . until everything falls apart and the truth is overwhelmingly evident.

In this podcast, I take a look at emotional infidelity and give some guidelines to help distinguish “just a friend” from a relationship that has crossed the line.

Listen below and let me know what you think in the comments area further down.

And if you are ready to save your marriage, CLICK HERE.

HERE IS THE LINK to my book, Recovering From Infidelity

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The “Rocket Fuel” of Infidelity: #57 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Lipstick on his collarWhen “Janie” came to see me, she was lost.  She could not understand HOW her husband could be so wrapped up in his affair.  “Doug” was discovered at a lunchtime rendezvous with his mistress of 6 months.  A friend saw them sneaking into a motel room, and quickly called Janie.

Doug was ashamed, swore he would break it off, claiming it had only happened a couple of times.  While Janie didn’t really care how often they had met, Janie also didn’t believe him.  Doug had been distant for some time.  In fact, his distancing was at about the same time he began texting and chatting with the other woman.  Janie knew something was wrong; she just couldn’t imagine Doug would cheat.

In fact, few would have believed it.  Doug was always at his kids’ games, was in church every week, and was a civic leader.  He was also deeply involved in a very unhealthy relationship — one he seem completely unable to break from.

“What is driving him?  Why is he acting this way?” Janie pleaded.

Affairs seem to burn so hotly.  It can baffle the people involved and the spouses hurt by the relationship.  And it can be a fire that is tough to squelch and hard to escape.

Do not confuse the heat for love.

Rarely is love hatched in the midst of dishonesty and deceit.

Janie told me she just didn’t get it.  The other woman was less attractive, more needy, less successful, and just did not match up with what Doug proclaimed he wanted in life.  Yet there they were, deeply involved and proclaiming the “truth” of their relationship.

I pointed out one thing I want to point out to you:  affairs are not about the other person.  The other person is an object, a projection of lots of other things.  But it is really not so much about that other person.

Very frequently, after the affair is ended, the cheating spouse says to me, “I have no idea what I was thinking.  I don’t even LIKE that other person.”

Unfortunately, it can take time to get to that level of disconnect.

In this week’s podcast, I want to share with you the mixture that creates the “rocket fuel” of the intense feelings involved in an affair.

Take a listen and let me know what you think!

Looking for more on affairs?  CLICK HERE

Ready to save your marriage?  CLICK HERE

HERE IS THE LINK to my book, Recovering From Infidelity

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