Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 9 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 21, 2022 September 19, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 21, 2022

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??

We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.

And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful. Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).

So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do. I cover questions from two T’s. Different questions, it would seem. But at their core, they are very similar. So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.

And they WILL be made!

Listen to the episode below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Hot & Cold

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 14, 2022

Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. Are things going south? Is this the time when things don’t turn around?

And then… the pattern repeats again.

It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up.

So, what is that all about, anyway?

“M” is in this very situation. She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond). It may be YOUR question, too. Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did: Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”)

I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

When to Talk?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 7, 2022

You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there.

And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend. But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern. If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback?

A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that. Her anxiety has been building about their progress. She can see the signs. But what about that “elephant in the room?” Is it time to address it?

In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?”

You can listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Taking Back the Hurt

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 31, 2022

We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.

Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife.”

I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation). And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship.”

As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R. It may very well apply to YOU!

(Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.)

You can listen to the episode below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Spouse

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2022

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

You are NOT Enemies!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 13, 2022

Roles. We all have them. We all play them.

Some are “identity roles.” They identify us in the role. For example, I am “son,” “father,” “brother,” “husband.”

Some are “function roles.” They identify what we do. For example, I am “coach,” “therapist,” “author,” “speaker,” and “podcaster” (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are “attribution roles.” They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles… and what to do, instead.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Can a Marriage Turn Around Quickly?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2022

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around… for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???

I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.

That doesn’t mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.

Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight?

It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don’t).

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Crisis Clarity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2022

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn’t so helpful.

Let’s backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let’s assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best — that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the “love you, not in love with you” speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or… fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Crisis vs. Problem

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 15, 2022

On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage. Then, they tell me about the current crisis: “my spouse doesn’t love me/is having an affair/won’t talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc.”

They want to solve the crisis. And they think THAT is the problem!

They would be wrong.

What they are describing is a symptom. Not the problem.

If you try to solve a symptom, all you get are other symptoms. No resolution, no help, and no change.

We don’t just do it about a marriage issue. If you are running a fever, you may decide to take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen. And you might feel better (the fever likely comes down). But if there is an underlying problem, treating the symptom means that some other symptom will just emerge… and it may be even worse!

In this podcast, I look at the difference between a symptom (the crisis) and the problem (what led to the crisis). That will help you to actually make a difference in your marriage, solve the crisis, and resolve the problem.

Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The Dad Edge

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 4, 2022

Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response. Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed. Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame.

But there is often very little change.

On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change. Not just for Larry, but for many other people.

You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent. So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand. But it was not going the way he wanted. So, he decided that something had to change.

He decided that HE had to change!

It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too!

Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom. This grew and grew.

When it became clear that others were looking for support and guidance, Larry got serious and created The Dad Edge.

In this interview, Larry and I talk about the struggles with limited parenting models many people got from their childhood, how important the parenting (specifically, the Dad) role is in development, and how to start on a path of better parenting.

Listen in below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS