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Marriage Lie #3: Conflict Means Its Wrong

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 11, 2020 November 10, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 11, 2020

If you find yourself arguing and in conflict, that is an indication that something is wrong with your marriage, right?

Right?

No. Not at all. But it may be that your conflict resolution is a problem. Just one that can be improved. Unless, of course, you believe this lie and decide that nothing can be done because… you know… conflict.

That is the danger of this particular lie. It causes people to give up, since there is conflict, rather than working through.

I don’t meet too many people that like conflict. Most either avoid it or handle it poorly. And many see conflict as a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship.

Fact is, conflict is an inevitable part of even the healthiest relationship. In fact, the total lack of conflict may indicate just as much of a problem as too much conflict. Put two people together who join their futures and there are going to be differences of opinion. Different perspectives and different priorities. And those differences must be addressed.

The question is really how you do conflict, not if you have conflict. Does the conflict serve your relationship or sever your relationship?

Learn more about this lie of marriage in the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Marriage Lie #2: “Meet All of My Needs”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 4, 2020

A spouse should complete you… right?

Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right?

And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right?

Wrong.

In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.” In this episode, we tackle another lie, the “Meet My Needs” lie that measures whether your marriage and your spouse are right, based on them meeting your needs (never mind meeting the needs of your spouse).

First, please don’t go all “Then the opposite is true??” on me. No, I am not saying your spouse should not mean ANY of your needs.

I AM saying your spouse can’t meet ALL of your needs.

Did you say, “Of course not”? And yet, many marriages get into trouble over the needs one accuses the other of NOT meeting. If THAT needs is not getting met, THEN there is a problem. But if you extrapolate a bit, that ends up being an argument that a spouse should meet ALL the needs.

Here is the other problem: if you think they should meet all of your needs, you may also believe that those needs should just be know. After all, if you have to ask, it doesn’t feel the same… right?

Oops. Another trap. Assuming your spouse should meet all of your needs, and should know them—and how to meet them— is a recipe for misery on both parts.

So, what is the answer? Listen to this episode to find out the truth about needs and marriage.

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Marriage Lie #1: “If It’s Work, It’s Wrong”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 28, 2020

“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?”

He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave.

I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!”

He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes to prove me wrong.”

This wasn’t the only time I have encountered this lie. And let me be fair: he wasn’t meaning to lie to me. But he was. In reality, though, he was repeating a lie he believed. There is nothing so dangerous as a lie that we believe, but is entirely false!

My client was ready to leave his marriage because he believed the lie.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I start a series on the Lies of Marriage. These lies are things people believe (and act on, because they believe them) that are false, untrue… a lie. But when they take on a life of their own, they unnecessarily destroy marriages.

In this first episode, I tackle the lie, “If you have to work on it, the marriage is wrong.”

Listen below.

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When Your Plan Hits a Wall

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 21, 2020

Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.

Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall.

First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success.

Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed.

But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams. Unnecessarily.

So let me say it again: just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved. It means your plan hit a wall. Time to adjust and shift. Time to process. Time to find clarity.

But it doesn’t have to be time to quit.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up! Listen below.

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DWYADAYGWYAG

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 14, 2020

No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard. And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title.

Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG.

But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns? Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life. Not moving ahead. Stuck.

But alive!

And that is what the brain registers. Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting. Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting. But we survived.

Lesson learned. What we did yesterday kept us alive. Plan for today: do it some more.

Same in relationships.

Staying alive is not the same as thriving… and is actually not a guarantee of future success. But it worked yesterday, so our brain assumes it will work for today.

DWYADAYGWYAG

I’ll tell you more about what that means, and how to get beyond it, in this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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What About Love?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 7, 2020

A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.

I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?”

And there is the root of the problem. We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia. And we are still trying.

More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to. It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for.

And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I talk the question, “What About Love?” Where does it fit into your efforts to save your marriage? Where does it fit into any marriage?

Listen in below.

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There IS No Try

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 30, 2020

“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion.

Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page.

There is no such action as “try.” You can do something or not do something. But as Yoda reminds us, “there is no try.”

Each morning, I get up early and work on a book or writing project for an hour. I am pretty clear that I am either writing or I am not. If I am putting words on paper, regardless of whether they are good or not… I am writing. If I distract myself with social media or some article… I am not writing.

It is not a matter of trying. I am doing or not.

Many times, “trying” is a cop-out. It is a lack of action, claimed to be “about to act.” But we can do something… and if we aren’t, we are not doing it. Doing it successfully is only determined by the outcome. And the outcome only comes from the action. Not acting pretty much guarantees not getting the desired outcome. (It is true that acting does not guarantee the desired outcome… but it is far more likely than not acting.)

I discuss this and how it can keep you stuck in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Can You Force Connection?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 23, 2020

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

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5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 16, 2020

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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The Choice…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 8, 2020

“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….

I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer.

My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)

To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner. Is it worth it?

That was her choice. The Choice. To work on it or to walk away.

Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… summer is over, school is starting back (whether virtual or in-person), the pandemic is wearing on, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!

Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.

Which leads to the choice. Work on it or walk away?

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