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Love Isn’t (Only) Romantic

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 6, 2020 May 5, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 6, 2020

“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”

Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?

Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal.

For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.

Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus.

Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.

I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Quarantined Together or Apart

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 29, 2020

If a marriage crisis was not enough to deal with… now we have a pandemic. And if that was not enough, we are self-isolating. The pandemic isn’t anything we can control. Self-isolating is best for ourselves and others.

What, though, does that mean about your marriage crisis? How do you deal with that? In the midst of the pandemic? And while self-isolating.

That breaks down into 4 different groups: Isolating together but working alone, isolating together and working together, isolating apart and working alone, and isolating apart but working together. Each has some nuances that need your attention.

I cover some recommendations for each group, and explain why it makes a difference.

Listen in below.

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Finding the Energy – Continuing your Efforts

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 22, 2020

“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?”

Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down!

Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any?

There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy.

More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.” Make a shift… then save your marriage.

I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Proving Your Perception (is dangerous)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 15, 2020

I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.

Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?

Perceptions. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.

And because they have decided to prove their perception to their spouse. That is very dangerous. Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.

There are 2 underlying issues that affect this: being a WE and being connected. How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you? When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception. More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.

How do you solve it?

We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Coping with COVID Series

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 11, 2020

What a time we are living through in the world! The COVID-19 pandemic has brought many parts of culture and the economy to a screeching halt. Other parts are overwhelmed with the pace.

Frontline and essential workers are feeling the overwhelm of responsibility. Most of the rest are feeling the overwhelm of isolation.

We WILL get through this. That is what we, as humans, do. We overcome. We rise to the challenge. We push through. And we will do the same with this crisis.

But between here and there, we have to live. We can move beyond just surviving. We just start with surviving. And we reach from there.

Over the past month, I have been releasing podcast episodes that focus on dealing with the COVID crisis, both in terms of thriving and in terms of relationships.

I have grouped them together here, so you can find them easily. Some are from my Thriveology Podcast, and others from my Save The Marriage Podcast.

Here they are:

RELATIONSHIP-ORIENTED

What Now? – Saving your marriage in the midst of a pandemic

Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2)

Coping as a Couple Caught in COVID Quarantine

Time for a Relationship Reset?

THRIVING-ORIENTED

Thriving in an Age of Panic

Stay Sane While Staying Safe

How to Hope in Tough Times

The Fear/Anxiety Contagion

Time for a Relationship Reset?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 8, 2020

Unless you are hiding out in a cave somewhere (I read about a person who had been on a silent retreat — went in with everything normal and came out to the pandemic), your world has been topsy-turvy.

We will get through this. The pandemic will pass. But this isn’t about, “and then, we will get back to life.” Life is happening right now. And we won’t be going “back to normal,” either. There are some fundamental changes happening in culture. We didn’t just hit “pause” when people went into isolation. And we won’t simply “un-pause” when it is safe to un-isolate.

Society is in for a shift. How it shifts, that depends upon us, the members of society. There is, I believe, great potential for a shift to what really matters. Not what we have been believing matters. It won’t be about money, power, or prestige. It will be about meaning, purpose, connection, and character. (At least, that is my hope.)

Why does that matter? How does that affect your marriage? I believe there is an opportunity, in the midst of the chaos, for a “Relationship Reset.” It is an opportunity to reconsider the crisis and find a way to resolve it by staying married, not by leaving.

Discover the 3 reasons why this might be the time for a Reset, and 3 things to do to facilitate it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Coping as a Couple Caught in COVID Quarantine

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 1, 2020

Are you suddenly finding yourself and your spouse stuck together, thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic? Is it suddenly very close quarters?

If your marriage wasn’t struggling before, this may be the stressor that pushes your relationship into crisis.

Or it might just be the turning point to a thriving marriage.

What can you do during this time, for yourself and your marriage? On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore 3 areas on which you can focus. And in each area, I give 2 suggestions for what you can do to survive the crisis, weather the storm, and help both your marriage and yourself.

Listen to the episode below.

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Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 25, 2020

The phrase, “Stay the Course,” comes from the commitment in battle to continue moving toward your goal, regardless of obstacles or difficulties. So first, let’s let go of the battle analogy. You aren’t in battle. But you are fighting for your marriage.

And in this moment, you are fighting to keep yourself and your family safe.

Those are the goals. And that is the problem. A single crisis is tough enough. But a crisis, squared. It isn’t just double. The struggle is exponential. That’s because a crisis on top of a crisis is not cumulative. It can feel like it multiplies the struggle.

So, then, how do you stay the course?

I cover these 4 ways in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast:

Have a plan.
Practice extra patience and grace.
Refuse to absorb anxiety.
Do the Next Right Thing.

Listen below for the details on each.

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What Now? – Saving your marriage in the midst of a pandemic

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 18, 2020

First, you were caught in the swirling whirlwind of a marriage crisis. Now, to add to that, a pandemic is taking over. Whatever fears you had about your marriage are now layered with your concerns about your health (and the health of loved ones).

It is amazing how quickly things are moving. This crisis has been on the radar since the first of the year. But as with many things (including a marriage struggle), most people don’t pay much attention until it is cascading into a crisis. Then, we are playing “catch up.”

Trying desperately to get ahead of the situation. But generally finding ourselves falling further and further behind.

A crisis tests us. Both a marriage crisis and a world crisis. They test us. To see whether we rise up or give up. Whether we go with what matters or what is easy. Do we act in fear or lead with courage?

We talk about this in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Where Did The Love Go?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 11, 2020

I get that question very frequently: “What happened? Where did the love go?”

Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it. The end result is the same: one or both people just not feeling it… not feeling love. Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.” Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.”

Then what?

And where did the love go? It was there before. Did it really go away?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing. We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back.

Listen below.

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