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Co-Dependence, Independence, and Interdependence – Listener’s Question

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By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 3, 2019

Here we are, Independence Day in the United States, marking the moment when the young colonies rejected ties to the British Crown.

So many times, I have people “declare their independence” from their marriage… somehow seeing marriage as about dependence. In our culture, any connection and reliance on someone else is often labeled as “dependence” or “codependence.” In reaction, people want to shift to “independence.”

In the healthiest of marriages, there is “interdependence.” You can have your own identity AND rely upon another person. You can have separate roles and responsibilities, but ones that support each other, AND not be codependent. But interdependent.

Where does dependence, though, cross over to codependence? That word… that label… is so overused that we rarely remember what it originally meant (I explain it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast below).

It is true, some couples and individuals ARE overly reliant on a spouse for emotional support and help. It is also true that every couple should be able to rely on the relationship for emotional support. But what is healthy? When does it become UN-healthy?

Colleen wrote in and asked (and YOU can submit a question, too, by CLICKING HERE and emailing it), and it is an important question — is this codependence, and how can you deal with it?

Listen below to learn about dependence, independence, codependence, and interdependence, in your own marriage.

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“How Do You Deal With Bitterness And Resentment?” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 26, 2019

.Resentment eats away at any relationship. It can destroy a marriage. Bitterness takes over and every good memory or thought is re-remembered and “bitter-ized” The foundational connection in the relationship is sapped of energy. Love and connection is slowly replaced with hate and disgust.

Can it be healed? Can you heal the resentment?

“Jared” wrote to me about his situation. It seems that his spouse has felt unappreciated for years. And even when Jared tried to change, to do better, that only threw fuel on the fire.

Instead of healing, the resentment seemed to grow.

So, Jared asked me, “How do you deal with long term bitterness and resentment?”

Maybe your particular situation and details are different. But anger and resentment (and the ensuing bitterness) affects many marriages. Troubled marriages are always hurting marriages, which comes out in anger and bitterness.

Can anything be done? Is there a path toward healing?

I cover the situation and the hope in the podcast. Listen below.

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“My Therapist Says Divorce!” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 19, 2019

“In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it,” Claire wrote.

I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)

Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.

Claire was shocked. No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible. Just a declaration that the marriage was over… not from her husband, but from the therapist!

I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story… but I have heard it over and over. Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?

Let’s talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy… and what to do about them.

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“What IS Connection??” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 12, 2019

Do you have a question you want answered about marriage, marital problems, relationship issues, and how to save your marriage? Send an email and ask your question. If it is something that would benefit others, I will answer it in a future podcast episode!

If you are a regular listener of the Save The Marriage Podcast, you know how often I discuss “connection,” the importance of it and the dangers of disconnection. But do you know what I mean when I say, “connection”?

Chad didn’t. So, he asked.

Sometimes, we can get pretty far down the path on a plan, but forget the basics, the fundamentals.

And connection is an absolutely crucial fundamental. Broken marriages are disconnected marriages. Healthy marriages are connected. The disconnection is the path to failure. And… no surprise… connection is the path to health and healing.

In our disconnected world, in our busy world, connection is often lost. Not on purpose, but lost nonetheless. And while it may have seemed effortless in the beginning, if you don’t understand what you are trying to do, you can get lost and confused.

In this episode of the podcast, I answer Chad’s question: “What IS connection??” (It just might answer your question, too.)

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Why Pause Is A Problem

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 5, 2019

The Pause Button. You didn’t know you hit it. But you probably did.

“We’ll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends… (well, you get the idea).”

AFTER life, we will get back to love.

There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.

There IS no pause.

When you hit the Pause-Button, you are… even without realizing it… choosing the path of disconnection.

Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers. Disconnected.

In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back.

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The Path To Peaceful Conversation

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 29, 2019

How do you make a shift, from painful communication to peaceful conversation?

What if you have something difficult to discuss with your partner? How do you start? What do you do? What path do you follow?

My guest on the Save The Marriage Podcast, is Susan Allan. After talking her way out of a very dangerous situation with her ex-spouse, Susan set out to discover better ways of communication in difficult relationships.

Susan created the 6 Part Conversation Process in her attempt to help others communicate better.

Over the years, Susan has used this process (and taught this process) to thousands of individuals and couples.

In my interview, we cover the first 2 parts of the process (for the full process, find the entire interview at Relationship Rewrite).

The first 2 foundational parts set the scene for a conversation that can be had and heard… that may just get you to a different place in your relationship.

Listen to the podcast below.

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Why I STILL Believe In Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 22, 2019

I suppose I have seen marriages in pretty tough spots. Destructive and hurting, I’ve watched relationships both heal and end. I’ve also had the privilege of seeing some pretty amazing marriages.

So, when I was asked by a client a few days ago, “After all this time, do you really still believe in marriage?”, I paused. Not because I wasn’t sure about my answer. I just wanted to be clear about my answer.

Somewhat flippantly, I replied, “Believe in it? I’ve seen it! I’m even in one!”

But more deeply, that question triggered me. Yes, of course I still believe in marriage. I work with hurting marriages every day. I coach, teach, and even push people toward better relationships, healthier marriages.

Still, that question….

WHY do I believe in marriage?

Because the problem is not with marriage. It’s with how we do it.

Culture certainly needs to act to help with people who are getting married… so that people are better prepared.

But guess what? YOU can act to improve your marriage…. That makes all the difference, as we work to save and improve marriages one relationship at a time.

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Is Your Marriage Fragile or Anti-Fragile?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 15, 2019

Some marriages seem so fragile, ready to break at any time. Many times, people work hard to protect that type of marriage. It seems that anything can be the end of it!

That fragility is not baked into the marriage. It comes from a mindset, a misunderstanding. It comes from thinking that a successful marriage simply has no struggles, no difficulties.

Not true.

In fact, successful marriages take on the challenges as an opportunity for growth. That is one of the hallmarks of thriving marriages. Not just marriages that are surviving. But ones that are thriving.

Over the years, I noticed that the thriving marriages had often been through their share of bumps and bruises, struggles and strife. But they had learned from the struggles. They had found ways to come together, to stand together, in the face of the difficult times.

Those marriages that struggled? They moved from the team-approach to the me-approach: “what am I getting?,” “why should I take this?,” “I want my fair share.” And in the process, the relationship (the “team”) got pushed aside. It was all “me, me, me, you, you, you.” Not “WE.”

In today’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I use the term from business, Anti-Fragile, to describe what you are moving toward… and how to begin that shift.

Listen in to discover how you can shift from Fragile to Anti-Fragile.

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Secrets To A Conscious Partnership

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 8, 2019

When a marriage is struggle, stuck, and painful, you are likely stuck in an unconscious relationship. Unconscious dynamics continue to push and pull at both of you, leading to disagreement, dissent, and disdain.

But it does not have to get stuck there. It is possible to make a powerful shift from an unconscious relationship to a conscious partnership.

There has to be a starting point, right?

Guess what? Just knowing that you are stuck in unconscious relating IS the first step. Really, step zero. Because until you are there, you can’t take any further steps. As with most things, once we recognize that something is the problem, we have taken a huge step in getting ready to take a step to resolve.

Strange, right? Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. It is a paradigm shift. And until you make that shift, you can’t build into the new paradigm.

A full conscious partnership is your goal, whether you knew it or not. You want to be powerfully shifting into a new level of partnership where the unconscious crap does not continue to sabotage your relating. You want, instead, to be relating from a point of connection and consciousness.

Most people, at this point, tell me the “just don’t have time or energy to devote to that.” Until I point out how much time and energy they are already devoting to the hurt, pain, and discomfort of where things are. Might as well make sure the time and energy are more constructive than destructive.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I interview Alexandra Stockwell about how you can begin to build a conscious partnership. We discuss steps you can take to make a shift from the unconscious to the conscious. (For the full interview, join Relationship Rewrite for access.)

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Don’t Get Pulled Under

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 1, 2019

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

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