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“What IS Connection??” – Listener Question

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 12, 2019 June 4, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 12, 2019

Do you have a question you want answered about marriage, marital problems, relationship issues, and how to save your marriage? Send an email and ask your question. If it is something that would benefit others, I will answer it in a future podcast episode!

If you are a regular listener of the Save The Marriage Podcast, you know how often I discuss “connection,” the importance of it and the dangers of disconnection. But do you know what I mean when I say, “connection”?

Chad didn’t. So, he asked.

Sometimes, we can get pretty far down the path on a plan, but forget the basics, the fundamentals.

And connection is an absolutely crucial fundamental. Broken marriages are disconnected marriages. Healthy marriages are connected. The disconnection is the path to failure. And… no surprise… connection is the path to health and healing.

In our disconnected world, in our busy world, connection is often lost. Not on purpose, but lost nonetheless. And while it may have seemed effortless in the beginning, if you don’t understand what you are trying to do, you can get lost and confused.

In this episode of the podcast, I answer Chad’s question: “What IS connection??” (It just might answer your question, too.)

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Why Pause Is A Problem

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 5, 2019

The Pause Button. You didn’t know you hit it. But you probably did.

“We’ll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends… (well, you get the idea).”

AFTER life, we will get back to love.

There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.

There IS no pause.

When you hit the Pause-Button, you are… even without realizing it… choosing the path of disconnection.

Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers. Disconnected.

In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back.

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The Path To Peaceful Conversation

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 29, 2019

How do you make a shift, from painful communication to peaceful conversation?

What if you have something difficult to discuss with your partner? How do you start? What do you do? What path do you follow?

My guest on the Save The Marriage Podcast, is Susan Allan. After talking her way out of a very dangerous situation with her ex-spouse, Susan set out to discover better ways of communication in difficult relationships.

Susan created the 6 Part Conversation Process in her attempt to help others communicate better.

Over the years, Susan has used this process (and taught this process) to thousands of individuals and couples.

In my interview, we cover the first 2 parts of the process (for the full process, find the entire interview at Relationship Rewrite).

The first 2 foundational parts set the scene for a conversation that can be had and heard… that may just get you to a different place in your relationship.

Listen to the podcast below.

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Why I STILL Believe In Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 22, 2019

I suppose I have seen marriages in pretty tough spots. Destructive and hurting, I’ve watched relationships both heal and end. I’ve also had the privilege of seeing some pretty amazing marriages.

So, when I was asked by a client a few days ago, “After all this time, do you really still believe in marriage?”, I paused. Not because I wasn’t sure about my answer. I just wanted to be clear about my answer.

Somewhat flippantly, I replied, “Believe in it? I’ve seen it! I’m even in one!”

But more deeply, that question triggered me. Yes, of course I still believe in marriage. I work with hurting marriages every day. I coach, teach, and even push people toward better relationships, healthier marriages.

Still, that question….

WHY do I believe in marriage?

Because the problem is not with marriage. It’s with how we do it.

Culture certainly needs to act to help with people who are getting married… so that people are better prepared.

But guess what? YOU can act to improve your marriage…. That makes all the difference, as we work to save and improve marriages one relationship at a time.

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Is Your Marriage Fragile or Anti-Fragile?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 15, 2019

Some marriages seem so fragile, ready to break at any time. Many times, people work hard to protect that type of marriage. It seems that anything can be the end of it!

That fragility is not baked into the marriage. It comes from a mindset, a misunderstanding. It comes from thinking that a successful marriage simply has no struggles, no difficulties.

Not true.

In fact, successful marriages take on the challenges as an opportunity for growth. That is one of the hallmarks of thriving marriages. Not just marriages that are surviving. But ones that are thriving.

Over the years, I noticed that the thriving marriages had often been through their share of bumps and bruises, struggles and strife. But they had learned from the struggles. They had found ways to come together, to stand together, in the face of the difficult times.

Those marriages that struggled? They moved from the team-approach to the me-approach: “what am I getting?,” “why should I take this?,” “I want my fair share.” And in the process, the relationship (the “team”) got pushed aside. It was all “me, me, me, you, you, you.” Not “WE.”

In today’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I use the term from business, Anti-Fragile, to describe what you are moving toward… and how to begin that shift.

Listen in to discover how you can shift from Fragile to Anti-Fragile.

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Secrets To A Conscious Partnership

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 8, 2019

When a marriage is struggle, stuck, and painful, you are likely stuck in an unconscious relationship. Unconscious dynamics continue to push and pull at both of you, leading to disagreement, dissent, and disdain.

But it does not have to get stuck there. It is possible to make a powerful shift from an unconscious relationship to a conscious partnership.

There has to be a starting point, right?

Guess what? Just knowing that you are stuck in unconscious relating IS the first step. Really, step zero. Because until you are there, you can’t take any further steps. As with most things, once we recognize that something is the problem, we have taken a huge step in getting ready to take a step to resolve.

Strange, right? Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. It is a paradigm shift. And until you make that shift, you can’t build into the new paradigm.

A full conscious partnership is your goal, whether you knew it or not. You want to be powerfully shifting into a new level of partnership where the unconscious crap does not continue to sabotage your relating. You want, instead, to be relating from a point of connection and consciousness.

Most people, at this point, tell me the “just don’t have time or energy to devote to that.” Until I point out how much time and energy they are already devoting to the hurt, pain, and discomfort of where things are. Might as well make sure the time and energy are more constructive than destructive.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I interview Alexandra Stockwell about how you can begin to build a conscious partnership. We discuss steps you can take to make a shift from the unconscious to the conscious. (For the full interview, join Relationship Rewrite for access.)

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Don’t Get Pulled Under

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 1, 2019

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

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How Are You Showing Up?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 24, 2019

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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“Am I The Problem?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 17, 2019

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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WHY Even Try? (Back2Basics)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 10, 2019

You may be wondering, “Does it even matter? Should I just let this marriage go? WHY does it matter?”

Let’s start with this: It matters! A lot!

Why does it matter?

Well, the real reason why can vary from person-to-person. It is all about finding YOUR “why”, your big reason for working on it.

Here is an important hint: the BIG Why is not about fear. It is not about fearing the loss of something. It is about what saving a marriage means to you.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 5 reasons why saving a marriage matters. Then, I walk you through a process to discover your Big WHY’s, and how to use your Why’s to keep you on track, as you work to save your marriage.

Listen below.

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