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Marriage is NOT 50/50
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Marriage is NOT 50/50: Immutable Law of MarriageMany marriages are ruined by 2 people, each wanting to put their fair share into it.  “You put in your half, and I put in my half,” seems to be the thought.  Sounds good.  Fair.  Equal.

And destined for disaster.

It makes sense, doesn’t it, to see things that way?  Both people should be putting in their fair share, right?

The problem is it doesn’t take long for one or both to say, “You aren’t putting in your ‘fair share.'”  Which is quickly followed with, “So, neither will I.”

This is a Balance Book Marriage.  And it is destined for problems.

First, we often don’t notice what a spouse is putting in (and tend to exaggerate what we are putting in).  So we are balancing against fiction.

Second, there are times when a spouse doesn’t have it to put in (life distractions, illnesses, etc.).

A better model is “All In.”  Let’s talk about why (as we wrap up the Immutable Laws of Marriage Series).

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check
#13 Boundaries Protect A Marriage

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Boundaries Protect A Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Boundaries protect a marriage: Immutable Law Of Marriage. First line of an email last week:”I knew we were disconnected, but how did this happen?”

The level of connection in any marriage is likely to wax and wane.  You will feel closer and more distant to your spouse to varying degrees over the lifetime of your marriage.

And no, that does not mean it is a slow d0wnhill slide to disconnection.  There will be times when you just don’t feel it, and times when you can’t believe how connected you feel.

(My guess, if you are listening to this podcast, is that you are on the downswing of connection.  If that is not the case, good for you in being proactive!  But trust me, there will be those moments. . . .)

When the level of disconnection is higher, the relationship is at a higher risk.  The risk may be for affairs or unhealthy distractions.  Unless there are clear boundaries.

Boundaries protect a marriage.  But what’s a boundary?  How do you set them?  Glad you asked.  I discuss those issues in this week’s podcast episode.  Take a listen below.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check

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Forgiveness is NOT a Blank Check
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Forgiveness is NOT a blank check: Immutable Law of Marriage.Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.”  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift

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Trust Is A Gift: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Trust is a gift: Immutable Law of MarriageA relationship is built on trust.  A marriage can only thrive when it is built on trust.  But trust is not just earned.  It is given.  Trust is really a gift.

A gift to be treasured, for sure.

Some people refuse to trust — refuse to give that gift.  Others trust too easily, making it a very cheap gift.

Some treasure the gift.  Others squander it.

When trust is lost, you can’t just “earn it back.”  You have to be trustworthy.  But at some point, the other person has to make a choice to give you the gift again.

Do you treasure your gift of trust?  Both giving and receiving?

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice

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Civility And Respect Is A Choice: Immutable Law Of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Civility and Respect, Always A Choice: Immutable Law Of MarriageToo frequently, I have clients who treat me with great respect, being very civil.  I keep thinking, “What a nice person.”

Then, their spouse comes in.  Civility and respect are out the window.  More often than not, both are equally uncivil and disrespectful.  Unfortunately, neither seem to recognize that each has a choice.  Civility and respect, both, are always a choice.

How about you?  Do you choose to be civil?  Do you choose to be respectful? (Regardless of your spouse’s actions!)

Civility and respect can be the foundation for building/rebuilding a strong marriage.

But you have to choose it.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help on this.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up

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You HAVE To SHOW UP!: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: You Have To Show Up!The body is there, but nobody’s home.  That would describe many people when their spouse is talking.  Or even when they are making love.

The shell is there.  The person?  Not so much.  They are failing to “Show Up.”  And they are violating an Immutable Law of Marriage.  If you keep failing to show up, eventually, there will be no relationship to show up for!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who forgot to show up?  That hollow look, the lack of emotional connection, those missed facts.  It doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Which raises the question:  How often do WE fail to Show Up?  I’m afraid I miss it more than I want.  But can we show up MORE?

Absolutely.

Let’s talk about how.

And if you have missed the other episodes from the Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series, here they are:

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse

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Look For The Best In Your Spouse: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Look for the best in your spouse!I was a bit surprised when he pulled out a list from his pocket.  He told me it was a list of all the problems his spouse had.  I was so surprised that it took me a minute to respond.

By then, he had already launched into his list.  He had it categorized into “appearance,” “habits,” “issues,” and others I refused to listen to.

He was just getting ready to highlight each category when I said, “Where is the list of her great qualities?  Where is the list of YOUR shortcomings?  Where is the list of relationship strengths and weaknesses?”

If you are thinking, “What a jerk,” I caution you.  Most of us have his list somewhere in our minds.  We have a list of places where our spouse falls short, could improve, might want to consider.

That list is rarely (I would say “never,” but someone might prove me wrong) helpful.  It is a critical (and probably not completely accurate) list that misses all those great qualities that attracted you in the first place.

To be clear, we ALL have places where we could learn, stretch, and grow.  That is not the issue. The issue is that spouses often get caught up in looking at the shortcomings — and ignore those other areas.

What if we flipped it?  What if we spent MOST of the time looking at the strengths and great qualities?  What if we were to look to be supportive — not critical — and cheering our spouse on?  What if we became the president of our spouse’s fan club?  Not just a fan, but a raving fan?

We violate this Immutable Law of Marriage on a regular basis.  Here’s how to fix it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do

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Love Is What You Do: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love is what you DO.“I just don’t feel it anymore,” she told me.

So I asked, “What are you not feeling?”

“Love.”  She told me she no longer loved her husband.

I asked, “What are you doing to be loving?”

She looked up, a bit surprised.  “What?  I just told you, I don’t love him.”

I challenged her, “I heard you say you don’t FEEL love, but I didn’t ask that.  I asked what you were DOING to be loving.”

She admitted she was doing nothing.  Because she didn’t feel anything.

I think she had the equation wrong.  She wasn’t feeling any love because she had stopped being loving.  To be fair, they both had stopped being loving.  No surprise that the feelings pretty much evaporated at that point.

Here’s the problem:  Love is a complicated word.  It has many meanings and many shades.  But when a marriage is in trouble, almost always, the default definition is the feeling of being in love.  Then, that is used as the yardstick of the relationship.

Unfortunately, those feelings are a result of acting lovingly.  But people keep waiting for the feeling to be there, so they would feel like acting.

Listen below on why this is the wrong move, wrong direction.  And how to change it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress

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Immutable Law Of Marriage: The Goal of Conflict is Progress
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: The Goal of Conflict is Progress.When you have a disagreement, what is your goal?  What are you trying to do?  What are you aiming at?

For many people, the goal of a disagreement is to get your way, make your point, prove yourself right — win.

In any relationship, that can be damaging.  But most relationships can either weather that dynamic or aren’t important enough to matter.  Except for marriage.

When the goal of conflict in marriage is to win, the relationship suffers.  Sure, an individual can walk away, feeling good about the points scored or the advantage gained.  But the relationship suffers.  And over time, the relationship breaks down.

Let me suggest that in any conflict, the goal should be progress.  In a marriage, it is crucial that the goal is progress.

Why do we lose sight of this?  Let’s talk about it on this week’s podcast.

The Immutable Law of Marriage:  The Goal of Conflict is Progress.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood

Grab the Save The Marriage System

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Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection Is The Lifeblood
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: Connection is the Lifeblood of MarriageMaybe couples take it for granted.  Maybe they never knew.  And maybe they never knew because it was always there.  It was what led to being in love, to wanting to be together.  When it is there, you forget how important it is.  When it is gone, you realize your marriage is in deep trouble — but often only when it hits a critical turning point.

What is it?

Connection.

If a marriage loses connection, the marriage loses the lifeblood.

A friend of mine almost died from a heart attack.  His arteries were nearly clogged — and he never knew it!  Slowly, over time, the arteries were more and more clogged.  Sure, he got breathless.  But isn’t that just a part of aging?  Sure, he was tired.  But wasn’t his job stressful?

The critical incident only required a little clot to blog the rest, and down he went!  He is fortunate to be alive.

And now, once the blockage was cleared, he is feeling great.  He is back to exercising and an active life.  Why?  His blood flow is restored.

The lifeblood of your marriage?  Connection.  If it is blocked off, your marriage is in trouble.

The Immutable Law of Marriage:  Connection is the lifeblood of your marriage.  Listen to the podcast for what that means and how to restore circulation.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause

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