People often ask me: why do we have so many problems in marriage? From my perspective, it seems that a great deal of the problem comes from two directions.

1) We are raised to take care of ourselves. We are raised to be independent people, unaffected by those around us. Sometimes, the training doesn’t work, and we become people desperate for connection. We live at the extremes: independence or over-dependence. The best advice for marriages is interdependence. Relationships are helped when people are interdependent. In other words, both bring something to the table and add to the other, while still being distinct.

2) Culture plays against marriage. Listen to the songs, watch the TV and movies. We are surrounded by poor images of marriage. In fact, the dominant theme is having affairs and having casual sex. Neither are very healthy and helpful for marriage.

So, the roots are there, and then exacerbated by what we bring to the table. Marriage advice wants to make it some deep fault of each individual, but that is just the flavoring on the steak, not the meat of the issue.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

One of the most interesting aspects of my work is that I constantly see people responding to hurt. It is interesting to me that the majority of people always assign maliciousness to an action by someone else. On the other hand, people usually readily see the self-protective nature of their own actions. Social psychologists call this the “attribution error.” We see the other’s action as character flaw, and our actions as mistakes.

I find it important that individuals work to see that there are very few people who are actually malicious. The chances of being married to one are fairly low. But the chances are good that seemingly malicious actions are really rooted in self-protection. When we are hurt, we lash out. The lashing out may feel malicious to the other, much like what we were lashing out against: seemingly malicious actions.

This truth applies to parenting, also. When we are able to view our child’s actions as response to hurt, this requires a different response than when we assume it is from maliciousness. A two year-old is pitching a fit because he or she wants something or is threatened by something, not because he or she is mean.

A teenager may say attacking words, but they are often retaliatory in nature. They may be trying to establish a “self-hood” that they think is being threatened (curfews, groundings, and anything else that reigns in freedom), or may feel slighted. The words coming out may be malicious, but that does not mean the person is malicious.

My daughter loves the bumper sticker that quotes Ghandi: “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. . . leaves the world blind and toothless.” What would happen in relationships if we worked from an assumption that the attack from another comes from hurt and pain, not mean-ness? What would happen if we worked from a point of forgiveness? After all, if the person is seen as hurt and in pain, it is much easier to offer forgiveness and understanding.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

My daughter was recently in her school’s performance of Fiddler On The Roof. She was one of the daughters. If you don’t know the story, it focuses on the changing culture of marriage, from one where the marriage is arrainged by family and community to one based on mutual attraction.

In one of the songs, the main character asks his wife if she loves him. She replies that for 25 years, she has shared his bed, made his meals, tended his house, raised his children — so what kind of question is that? The point is, love wasn’t even a question or consideration. But after some back-and-forth, they decide that, indeed, they love each other.

This led me to think about what I know about marriage. And here is what I think about the question of love: we fall in love to get together, then spend the rest of our lives learning to love the other.

You see, the initial attraction is really about “I.” I feel a certain way, so I know I am “in love.” But it is driven by my need to feel that way, my need to be with the other person, my need to have my needs met.

But love is a verb, something I do for the other. So, it takes the rest of my life to learn how to attend to my spouse’s needs. From my desire to be with my spouse comes my desire to meet my spouse’s love needs.

We are “fooled” into commitment by the overwhelming feeling of attraction, then we have to put forth effort to create a sustained relationship. I say “fooled” because our culture has us believeing that this love is the foundation of a relationship. It is not. It is merely a temporary starting point.

My feelings will calm over time. The overwhelming need to be with someone that marks the infatuation portion of a relationship is not sustainable on its own. It’s like placing a flame in a bottle. Eventually, the flame will burn all the oxygen in the bottle and be extinguished.

So, there has to be some “fueling of the fire.” This is “love,” the verb. When I act in loving ways, I fuel the fire, keep it burning. If I stop tending to the other’s needs because I don’t feel that infatuation, the relationship will slowly (or not so slowly) die away.

When we keep believing that “love” (infatuation) is the heart of a relationship, when that feeling is gone, we believe we are no longer in love. That is not the case; we have just failed to fuel the fire.

Reality TV has proven that any two people, given the right circumstances and settings, can fall into love (chemistry of infatuation). But story after story shows that it is harder to make the switch to “true love” that comes from action. Choose action, and don’t be fooled by chemistry.

To those of you who wrote to express your concerns about the stolen ebook situation, thank you.

Here is the update: Mr. Cohen refused to reveal himself. Thus, attorneys got involved. Happily, both sites mentioned are currently down. We all recognize that these sites could reappear elsewhere. That is the nature of the internet. As always, we are vigilant to seek out those who might try to steal the intellectual property.

I heard from another website in the process that noted their webcopy had been stolen. So many innocent people have to spend time and energy to work against the dishonest.

Late last week, I discovered that my ebook was once again stolen (third time), and being sold on another website. As with the first two, we are rapidly pursuing legal intervention. Differently than the first two times, this website owner refuses to cooperate. He even refuses to reveal his address or phone number! (You will notice that mine is on my home page.)

Brian Cohen is the owner of www.INeedMarriageHelp.com. If you were to read his letter, you would think that he created the ebook. This is not the case. The document was stolen by someone who claimed to have freelanced it. That person has sold the piece as an original work at least three times.

I believe that Brian Cohen bought the ebook, thinking it was an original piece. To that point, he is innocent. Unfortunately, even when faced with evidence to the contrary, Mr. Cohen refuses to remove his copyright infringement.

There are two ironies to this. First, Mr. Cohen is selling his ebook at twice the price of mine! I have attempted to keep my ebook reasonably priced, while others are charging 2, 3, even 4 times as much.

The second irony is that Mr. Cohen is finding people through a website that purports to rate online products, www.toponlineproducts.com. What is most interesting about this is that the website is a paid inclusion site. They do not review the products. Instead, they charge the sites “reviewed” for each person that goes to that site. You can tell the difference between those paying and those being used as “straw men,” because those sites that don’t pay (and therefore get poor reviews) say “review pending.”

Those that created this site know that someone visiting will not wait for a review to appear. They trust the site, and get taken. The irony for me is that www.INeedMarriageHelp.com gets a number 1 review. Glowing review, it says. My site has a poor review. And here is what reveals the falseness of this site: the same book is supposedly reviewed, since that site is actually selling mine!

Some people will say that I am only airing dirty laundry. Unfortunately, Mr. Cohen has opted to cease discussions with me. My attorney will now be involved. I am using the same vehicle that hides Mr. Cohen to reveal him (the internet).

Number 6 on my top list of what NOT to do when a spouse or partner says he or she is done with the relationship is. . . Don’t Waste Time.

Often, when something traumatic happens, we have a tendency to become paralyzed into inactivity. In fact, I have had some people who did nothing until the divorce papers were delivered a year or more after the initial “I’m not happy” discussion.

DON’T DO THAT!!! It is something like deciding not to go to the doctor when you first cut yourself, but instead waiting until it is so infected that amputation is the only option.

Time is of the essence. That doesn’t mean “go into panic mode” (my #1 Don’t Do). It means you activate yourself. Find the resources that will help you. Take action to change the situation. Relationships can be turned around at any time.

So, by now, you may be wondering where #’s 1-5 are. You can get that article FOR FREE, by going to the Save The Marriage website, and entering your first name and email address into the drop-down that comes into view when the page loads (don’t worry, you can’t miss it). It will be emailed to you instantly.

There it is, your first action. Go get the article and get started saving your relationship!

I spend my days with people who are not happy in their marriage. Perhaps this is why it is so refreshing when I find a couple thrilled to be together. We all need role models. Some of us never had a role model; perhaps there was no happy marriage to see growing up.

Well, this morning, I was tuned into NPR‘s Morning Edition. I always look forward to their report on Story Corps. If you are not familiar, this is a program that started in New York City. People could enter into a soundproof room, and either tell their story or interview someone else to hear their story. These stories are an oral history, and are being collected by the Library of Congress.

One couple that entered that booth has become the “poster children” for the program. Danny and Annie Perasa are that couple. They embody the program’s storytelling, but also embody a loving relationship. If you did not catch the story, treat yourself by reading and listening by clicking here.

Danny is dying from cancer, but their love is clearly undying.

There are two issues that seem to be a problem for many couples: emotional health and financial health. These two items tend to account for many of the problems that lead couples to relational problems.

Often, depression is the quiet destroyer of relationships. When one spouse is depressed, it can cause problems for the relationship, both because of the lack of energy and the prevalence of negativity. This begins to breed negativity both ways. To help, we have created a resource website. The new website is http://www.beatdepressionnow.com. We will be continually adding articles, resources, and even a forum in the days ahead!

And the number one cause of divorce? Financial problems. Many people find themselves in a financial bind, and seek a solution. A popular solution these days has been the debt consolidation. Unfortunately, it is not a cure-all, and before people jump into that process, they need to decide on whether it is beneficial to them. But most websites are selling a debt consolidation. So, we created a website that will provide information. We are not a bank, mortgage firm, or financial institution, so we try to provide useful information, articles, and resources for you to explore if this may be a good option. You can find this site at http://www.your-debt-consolidation.net.

Let us know what you think, or other resources you would like to see.

OK, here it is — a new year is upon us, and that always has me thinking of what I want different. What is it that I want to change this year?

So here is my change to focus on: taming my tongue. Understand, I don’t use profanity (OK, sometimes when I am hammering get my finger instead of the nail. . .), I rarely raise my voice, and I do not name-call. So what am I taming?

I read an article that I can no longer locate. It stated there are three questions we should ask ourselves when we are speaking:

1) Is what I am going to say true?

The first question challenges us to be truthful in all that we say. How many times do we avoid saying something because it might cause a problem? And how many times do we say something that is either false or only partly true? So the first question to pose is “is what I am going to say true?”

2) Is what I am going to say kind?

Unfortunately, our tongue — our speech — is an incredibly powerful force. I can still remember things said to me, good or bad, that were spoken well over 30 years ago. One person recently told me that he does not like to fight, because when he argues, he or the other person may say things that are hurtful (and not really true, just “fighting words”). And once the words are out, they can’t be taken back.

Often, I find myself saying things that are funny (at least to me!), but not always kind. Sometimes I tease my kids. Really, I just make a twist on what they are saying, but I can see it frustrates them. My words may not be mean, but neither are they kind.

3) Is what I am going to say important?

Here is a question that must make us all pause and think. Perhaps your first reaction is that if it has to be important, there will not be much talking. Perhaps, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if we gave up on meaningless talk, and committed to making talk meaningful. Our words are incredibly powerful, but we treat them like they are free!

And sometimes, the importance of words are in their connection. It is not so much about providing great depth of a philosophy debate. But it is a connection that bridges the separation that people tend to feel in this day and age. So, light conversation may be as important as a deep debate.

So, that’s one of my resolutions for the year: I will focus on the three questions as a way of taming my tongue, and most importantly, of helping loved-ones feel more loved. Will you join me in the challenge? Will you take on your own tongue?

I am often asked about the roots of problems in marriages. In other words, what started the problem?

I would venture to guess that the beginnings of the degeneration of a relationship are the fear of rejection leads to the couple acting in ways that are more removed and defensive. Fear is a deep-rooted issue, one that affects all of us. You could say that we are wired for fear. (You can read more about this at my Living Beyond Fear blog)

Fear is not the best place from which to heal a relationship. Better is acceptance and love. Love and acceptance are the antidote to fear. Our brains are really only capable of one state at a time. The two possible states are 1)Fear or 2)Love and Acceptance. So, acting out of love and acceptance actually causes a shift in our brain process –it changes our brain state from a downward spiral to an upward spiral.