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Posts Tagged :

apology

Why Forgive?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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canyouforgiveorwillyoustaystucksaveyourmarriagePeople hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it).  Then they ask, “why should I have to forgive?” Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver.

I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week’s podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.)

The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.” When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming.

Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Why Apologize
How to Apologize
Book:  The Forgive Process
Program:  Save The Marriage

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Forgiveness is NOT a Blank Check
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Forgiveness is NOT a blank check: Immutable Law of Marriage.Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.”  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift

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5 Rules For Apologizing: #26 Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How To Save Your Marriage and ApologizeApologies.  We all do it — but do we do it right?

I remember being held by the scruff of my neck, forced to apologize to my brother.  I was neither apologetic nor conciliatory.  I was, however, captive.  So I apologized.

It was a good idea.  It is just that my heart wasn’t in it.

And sometimes, even when we mean it, we mess it up, just because of how we do an apology.

In this week’s podcast, we take a look at apologies and how to offer one.  This is a good follow up to the podcast on forgiveness.

Let me propose 5 rules for giving an apology and why an apology is so important.

What rules would you add?  What points did I miss?  Please leave a comment below.

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“I’m Sorry” Is The Starting Point — Not The End
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Several years back, my son had a teacher that would not allow the students to say “I’m sorry.” That may sound odd, coming from a 1st grade teacher. . . not allowing someone to apologize. But his rationale was this: Saying your sorry does not indicate a change. Changing indicates a change.

While I think this teacher went a little too far (sometimes, it is nice to hear those words), his point was dead-on. People often apologize and apologize, but with no change in behavior. In fact, I often see people where, in the middle of a session, they turn to their spouse and say, “I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do?” I often catch them there and say “CHANGE!”

A true apology begins with saying “I’m sorry,” but is then followed up with changes that show the behavior that prompted the need to apologize has been left behind.

Too often, “I’m sorry” comes in response to “I was caught.” The behavior that seemed to make sense before no longer makes sense. “The gig is up,” as some would say. Then, there is the hurt and pain over the transgression, often on both parts.

The fracture can and should be healed. But saying “I’m sorry” is merely the starting point. It is the acknowledgment that something occurred that should not have. But it is also the beginning of “so what am I going to do about it?” Restoration requires a changing of behavior. This may be correcting what was done, or it may require changing habits and behaviors so that is doesn’t happen again.

For instance, when a couple is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, changes in behavior on the part of the one who had the affair is necessary, if not crucial. Living an “open book” life, staying away from the other person, being loving and supportive, are all examples of changes that may continue the process.

Or for instance, someone who abuses alcohol. “I’m sorry” begins the process. But choosing to avoid friends that lead to problems or locations that elicit drinking, are perhaps necessary changes.

Too often, we quickly give an “I’m sorry,” but have a hard time following this up with a change in behavior. It is good to remember that an apology only begins a process of healing.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .