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bob grant

Don’t Blame Valentine!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't blame it on Valentine. Why romance kills marriages.Let me just say, from the outset, I AM a fan of romance.

That said, I DON’T like when “romantic feelings” are used as the yardstick for a marriage.  If you are dating someone and have no romantic feelings, ever, that is a reason for concern.  If you have been married for awhile and are not feeling the romance… that is something to work on.  Not a reason to walk away.

Which brings us to the last couple of days. Today (the day this episode comes out) is Valentine’s Day.  According to tradition, it honors a priest, Valentine. During the reign of Emperor Claudius II in third century Rome, Valentine disobeyed the emperor.  Claudius had decided that young single men made good soldiers.  Not so good when attached to a love.  So, he forbade marriage.

But Valentine persisted in marrying young couples in love. And according to tradition, he paid the price of disobeying with his life.

There are other twists and turns to the history of Valentine’s day.  But the fact remains that the day is in honor of St. Valentine.

Which is the point I think we miss.  He stood for marriage.  Not just romance.  Marriage.  He didn’t condone love.  He supported marriage.  He married those in love.  It was not him trying to get people to fall in love.  He was marrying those in love.

Why does that matter?

Because of how we have elevated the feeling of being “in love.”  Otherwise known as infatuation.  An unsustainable rush of excitement and adrenaline that acts like obsession and addiction.  But has somehow become the yardstick of a successful marriage.

Is it great when those emotions resurface throughout a marriage?  Absolutely.

But when they become the yardstick… trouble.

Listen to the podcast for more.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Kill Cupid
Connection
Adrenaline vs. Endorphin Attraction
Save The Marriage System

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The Bonding Code with Bob Grant
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Did you know there is a science to bonding?

“Bonding” is what happens when people arrive at the place where they are so connected that they want to be together forever.

Here’s the problem:  many people think they have successfully bonded — but they aren’t!  The proof is how many marriages get into trouble.

But there is a pattern, a path, a code to bonding.  And while you may not navigate each stage, you will pay the price later on.  The bond won’t hold.

Sometimes, I try to use Crazy Glue.  You know that stuff that is supposed to hold something together forever?  Well, in my experience, it doesn’t work — or should I say, I don’t get it to work!

I have to make a confession:  I don’t really follow the directions.  They are there on the container.  You are supposed to clean and prep each side, place some on each side, hold them together, blah, blah, blah.

You see that “blah, blah, blah?”  We do the same thing with relationships.  Yes, there is a science, and yes, there is a path.  But instead of following it, a couple says, “We’ve got this.  We know how to do it.”

Strangely, since they have never done it before, I am not sure why they think they “have it.”  No surprise that down the road, there is trouble.  The “bond” doesn’t hold the two together.

Can it be fixed?

Bob Grant, Relationship ExpertYes.

Rebonding is possible.  But if you are working on re-bonding, maybe it is time to follow the instructions.

Join me, as I interview relationship expert, Bob Grant, on The Bonding Code.

We discuss the process of bonding, and what to do when that process is in trouble.

RESOURCES:
The Bonding Code
Podcast Episode:  The Truth About Attraction

 

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Love Is NOT Effortless
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Authentic love is the basis of a lasting marriage.Maybe you have heard these lines:

  • “Love should just happen.”
  • “This is just too much work.”
  • “I’m not feeling it, so it must not be true love.”
  • “I just don’t feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong.”

Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says — even if it goes against what you (think you) believe.

Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture.

But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control.

“I’m not feeling it” is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love.

Don’t be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided.

(No, I am not against romance — unless it is used as the “litmus test” of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!)

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
Interview with Bob Grant
The Save The Marriage System
Apply to the Virtual Coaching Program

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