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Posts Tagged :

forgiveness

The Ghosts of Relationship Past: #71 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Is your marriage haunted by the Ghosts of Relationship Past?The past can hold you hostage.  The “ghosts” of the past can hold your marriage hostage.

Sit back and let me share a story with you.  It’s Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly are trying to sleep.

They can’t.  Their disconnection has never felt worse.  Isn’t it that time of year for love and family?  Songs sing of love and warmth.

Instead, Holly and Chris only feel bitterness and cold.

The stockings are hung, the presents are wrapped.  Night has come, but not sleep.

Every day, Holly and Chris feel haunted by what “should be,” and the reality of “what is.”

Can anything change?  Can anything be better?

Chris and Holly, terrified!Tonight, Chris and Holly are haunted.  Not by their thoughts, but by the Ghosts of Relationship Past.  These apparitions have important lessons to learn.

Will Chris and Holly learn before it is too late?  Listen below to find out.  (If you would rather read, you can find the article at YourTango right here.)

Want more help on Forgiveness?  Check out this Audio.

Want more on connection?  Check out this Resource.

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4 Steps To Not Ruining Today With Yesterday: #64 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't ruin today with yesterday.I have heard too many spouses say, “I would love it if we could save our marriage.  But you have NO IDEA about what has happened!  There is no way for us to move forward!”

Or how about this one?: “Do you have any idea what he/she did?  How can I ever forgive/trust/move on/reconnect/love again?”

As far as we can tell, we humans are the only creatures capable of looking at what has happened and reformulating what is to come.

We are the only ones who can thoughtfully say, “Well, that didn’t work.  I think I had better learn a new way/decide on a new path/try something different.”

And as far as we can tell, we are the only creatures that continually live our lives caught in the past, living in the land of “what has been,” while failing to note “what is happening right now.”

This is why I love Dr. Gary Chapman’s quote so much:  “I am amazed at how many people ruin today with yesterday.”

Where do YOU live?  Where does your spouse live?

You DO have a choice.

Today, I want to talk about 4 simple practices that will help you leave the past where it belongs — in the past, and how to move into what is, this present moment.

By following these 4 simple practices, you can escape the trap of the past, while still learning from it and changing for the better.

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5 Rules For Apologizing: #26 Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How To Save Your Marriage and ApologizeApologies.  We all do it — but do we do it right?

I remember being held by the scruff of my neck, forced to apologize to my brother.  I was neither apologetic nor conciliatory.  I was, however, captive.  So I apologized.

It was a good idea.  It is just that my heart wasn’t in it.

And sometimes, even when we mean it, we mess it up, just because of how we do an apology.

In this week’s podcast, we take a look at apologies and how to offer one.  This is a good follow up to the podcast on forgiveness.

Let me propose 5 rules for giving an apology and why an apology is so important.

What rules would you add?  What points did I miss?  Please leave a comment below.

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“Why Should I Forgive?” — Podcast #23, Save The Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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canyouforgiveorwillyoustaystucksaveyourmarriageIn last week’s article on New Year resolutions to save your marriage, I started with “forgive more.”  That struck a nerve.  Some people loved it. . . but many sent me letters asking, “why should I have to forgive?”  Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver.

After the first couple of emails, I began to notice that perhaps I needed to clarify.  So, I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week’s podcast.  In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive.  But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive.  I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important.  (Hint:  not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.)

The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.”  When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming.

Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive.

Let me know what you think in the comments below!

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The World IS Going To End. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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. . . but NOT on December 21st.  mayancalendar

Forget the Mayan calendar.  It is just the next in a long line of predictions about when the world will end, and what signs we are noticing.

In fact, if scientists are correct, the earth will be here for a few more billion years.  We may leave it in tatters, but the earth will be here.

People may be optional, depending on what we do with our planet.

So, yes, the world is ending at some point.  Just not right now.

OK, so a few may be saying, “how does he know that the world is not going to end?”  Well, if I want to make a bet, I am going that way.  Those that predict the world will end on a particular date have to live it down the day after that date.  But when I say the world will NOT end, if I am wrong, nobody can point that out.  So, I am pretty safe on this one!

Now, before you breathe some sigh of relief when the sun comes up on December 22nd, let me suggest we think for just a moment:  What if this was our last week or last day of life.

What would you do?  How would you spend that small amount of precious time in the world?  Who would you want to see?  What would you want to do?  What things are left unsaid?  What amount of forgiveness needs to be asked or granted?

We live our lives as if there is plenty of time left, as if there is always a tomorrow.  Yet while the world will not end on December 21, the fact is that we do not, individually, know how long we have.

I would suggest that, perhaps, we need to look toward living a life of intention.  We might just sit down and make a list of all the things we need to do and say, all the people we need to see, call, and love, and get busy living a life with no regrets!

Just a thought.

 

Why Marriages Get Into Trouble — All Marriages!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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If you are wanting to know how to save your marriage, you want to start by understanding why marriages get into trouble.  And when I say marriages, yes I mean all marriages!  It is just that some marriages work through the issues, or resolve them.

So, for just a second, while considering saving a marriage, let me reflect from a distance on the two primary reasons marriages get into trouble, and what ultimately leads to broken marriages.  And they are interlinked.

Reason 1:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to forgive.

Reason 2:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to grow.

From there, everything else spins out.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do not think you should be a door mat, always ready to forgive anything without any change.  But how often do we continue to drag the accumulated small stuff around — for years, if not decades?  All without forgiveness.

The problem is, when we don’t forgive, we disconnect, just a little bit.  We keep parts of ourselves out, withhold emotions, affections, thoughts, etc.  We begin to strangle the relationship.  Over time, the unforgiveness takes root and becomes resentment.  Resentment is the poison of any relationship.

Think of it as carbon monoxide.  It slowly keeps the life-giving oxygen from getting to the body.  And you don’t even notice, save the headache!  And once it is in, it takes time to get it out.

Then, there is the growth/change bit.  I truly believe we have only two options:  growing or rotting.  Ray Kroc said, “you are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.”  Stop growing and changing, and you are dying.

In a relationship, even more so.  I don’t know how many people I have seen that have stopped growing relationally when they married.  They start acting like they have the relationship, so there really is no reason to keep moving forward.  Over time, couples get into ruts, stuck in routines, and mostly stuck keeping each other a bit apart.

What if you decided today, without any change on your spouse’s part, to forgive your spouse for all those things that have piled up, and decided to grow?  Would that save your marriage?

First, listen to that voice saying “what about my spouse?  What do they have to do?”  Unfortunately, it is just you and me, so you can only change you.  So start with what you CAN change, and don’t focus on what you can’t.

Second, realize that forgiveness is really for YOU!  So that YOU do not have to keep dragging that pile of crap around any longer!

Third, look for areas in which you know you need to grow.  We all have them.  Make it your path to GROW the rest of your life, in your relationship and elsewhere.

Finally, if you are ready for a little growth, take a look at my material on how to save a marriage.