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help for my marriage

Your Stamp of Approval
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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how to validate your spouse and save your marriagePeople are quirky.  We all have strange and interesting habits and interests.  No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person.”

Yet all of us crave one thing:  validation and approval.  We did it in high school (“I am SO different, along with everyone else”) and we do it through adulthood.

In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person.  It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building.  It fuels the attraction and connection… love.

Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship.  Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated — and what to do about it!

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
2 Necessary Feelings
The Importance of Connection
Are You On The Same Team?
Save The Marriage System

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Your Blame Addiction
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you addicted to blame?Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse’s fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?

Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.

Blame has one single outcome — STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).

Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change.

And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don’t fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.)

Let’s break the addiction to blame.

And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES
Anger and Marriage
Healing YOUR Resentment
Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment
The Importance of Connection
The Save The Marriage System

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If THEY Can’t, Who Can?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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If rich, famous, successful people can’t stay married, how can regular people?I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet:  “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.”  Wow, what a power couple!  And they were calling it quits.

Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people.  They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank:  money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together.”

I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage.

But they don’t.

Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage?  Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage?

And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous?

That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same).

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES
The Arc of Disconnection
The Pause Button Marriage
Why Connection Matters
Self-Expansion and Marriage
The System to Save Your Marriage

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The 2 Necessary Feelings
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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2 necessary feelings: wanted and accepted.Feelings.  We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel.

Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings.  And we try to get away from those feelings.

In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel.  So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.

Unfortunately, that “something” is more a “someone,” the spouse.

Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away?

There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship.  The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart.

Those 2 feelings?

  1. Feeling wanted.
  2. Feeling accepted.

You may not feel wanted or accepted.  If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now.  Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted.

In this podcast episode, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse.

Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings.

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection is the Lifeblood
Restoring Connection
Where DID Those Feelings Go?
Save The Marriage System

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Therapy or Bust!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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We had been talking for at least half an hour.  I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do.  I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.

Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out.  They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve.  But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce.  So, I work hard to show a way forward.

Why getting therapy for your marriage may be dangerous, and why people still want to go to marriage therapy.I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller.  She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations.  (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.)

Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?”

Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised.  I get the same request on a regular basis.  That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limitations.  (And yes, I was trained as a marriage therapist.  Yes, I have lots of therapist friends.  Yes, I am even married to one.  And yes, I still have concerns.)

I guess I was more surprised because we had, even just five minutes earlier, discussed my concerns.  Yet, here we were.  Looking for a therapist.

“Therapist or Bust,” it would seem!

Did I recommend a therapist?  Nope.  Because I don’t do that.  For several reasons.  I discuss my concerns and reasons on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  I look at why we default to a method that has pretty poor outcome results.  I look at some basic problems with the therapy approach, and discuss when therapy does make sense.  Avoid the traps and you are well ahead of the game!

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Therapy is Dangerous
Myths of Marriage Therapy
Other Myths About Saving Your Marriage
Getting Help for Your Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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DWYADAYGWYAG
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Is your marriage stuck on repeat?No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard.  And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title.

Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG.

But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns?  Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life.  Not moving ahead.  Stuck.

But alive!

And that is what the brain registers.  Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting.  Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting.  But we survived.

Lesson learned.  What we did yesterday kept us alive.  Plan for today:  do it some more.

Same in relationships.

Staying alive is not the same as thriving… and is actually not a guarantee of future success.  But it worked yesterday, so our brain assumes it will work for today.

DWYADAYGWYAG

I’ll tell you more about what that means, and how to get beyond it, in this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES
What’s Responsibility Got To Do With It?
Hope and Barriers
My Books
My System

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How to Get the Love You Want
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt on Getting the Love You Want.Why did you fall in love with your spouse?  Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love?

And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful?

Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades.  In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim.  It was an international best-seller.

In that book (now revised), Harville and Helen reveal their Imago Theory of why we fall in love, and why it can either be hurtful or healing.  They also provide exercises for couples to explore their own Imago relating, to help with healing and health.

Some time ago, Harville and Helen gave me some of their time to share their thoughts and direction on how to create a loving relationship.  This interview was originally part of a special program.  But I decided to share it with you, because of the powerful information they shared.

Listen below to discover how understanding your Imago and help heal your marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES
Book:  Getting The Love You Want
Website for Harville and Helen
What Happy Couples Know Series
The Save The Marriage System

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Coaches’ Corner
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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It has been my great pride and pleasure to have some great coaches on my team.  My team of Relationship Coaches were already amazing coaches when I met each of them.  Along with their own skills, I added in my approach and techniques.

Now, they offer world-class coaching to clients around the world.

But more than that, each one has a story and an approach… unique to each of them.  Their well of wisdom is deep.

Over a number of weeks, I interviewed each one, to introduce you to them, and to let you benefit from their wisdom.  I put all of these episodes together for you, so that you can get all of their wisdom in one spot.

Click the links below to access each episode, an interview with a coach.

Debbie Rivera:  Return To Love

Nina Potter:  Shift From Control

Annette Carpien:  Uncovering Hope

Laurie Johnson:  Staying the Course

Terri Hase:  We Change When We Change

Dave Crispin:  Growing After Loss

Paula Martin:  Making the Mosaic