help with marriage

Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 21, 2022 September 19, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 21, 2022

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??

We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.

And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful. Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).

So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do. I cover questions from two T’s. Different questions, it would seem. But at their core, they are very similar. So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.

And they WILL be made!

Listen to the episode below.

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Taking Back the Hurt

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 31, 2022

We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.

Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife.”

I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation). And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship.”

As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R. It may very well apply to YOU!

(Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.)

You can listen to the episode below.

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Gut Punch Moments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2022

I’ll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, “I don’t love you” or that variation, “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial). Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse’s life that makes you question everything. Or when your spouse announces the need to separate. Or the divorce papers arrive.

Gut punch.

You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet.

Gut punch.

And it might not be the first! It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage. Then, you find out more. Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5….).

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you don’t react the way you want to or wish you had. That is often what happens. And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it — they had already prepared!).

But what now?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it. Listen below.

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Quit Asking “Why is This Happening?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2022

At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success.

But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question.

If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward.

It is actually an anchor to the past.

And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward.

If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go!

(I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode. Listen below.)

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Zombie Marriage??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 27, 2021

Is your marriage infected by the “zombie virus?” Do you find your relationship to be the “walking dead?” Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with “zombie grunts?”

The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don’t allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship’s immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

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Is It Time for a Bootcamp??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2021

I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year. Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better.

In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier. It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere.

Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next.

Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp.

I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track. They were stumbling and struggling. Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man. But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face. He was embarrassed and upset. At first, he was angry. But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing. What can I do?”

That started an impromptu bootcamp. We called it the Husband Bootcamp. Along with a few others, this was transformational for their marriage.

Recently, I decided it was time to bring that to a bigger audience. We have been working hard to put the finishing touches on things. But in the meantime, I wanted to give you a little insight on what it is about, who can benefit, and how to jump in (or gift it to your spouse).

Listen below for info.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE
Grab the Save The Marriage System Here
Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here

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The Spouse Predicament

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 23, 2021

It’s a predicament, isn’t it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage… if it weren’t for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.)

You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward… and tries to drag you back, too!

What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change.

Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility… and you don’t know what to do, what to share, how to help.

Quite the predicament, isn’t it?

It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine. They both emailed me questions for the podcast. Seemingly from different places in the process. But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament.

Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort. Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying… in spite of his resistance?

And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament. But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope. How does Kristine avoid putting out the spark? How much info to share?

The Spouse Predicament. More closely aligned than it might seem.

We work to resolve the predicament on the podcast. Listen below.

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How to NOT Save Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 9, 2021

Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage?

Yes.

These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage.

I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes.

And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are. Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here.

Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list!

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Staying in the Game

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 6, 2021

You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental. But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward. Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

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Finding the Energy – Continuing your Efforts

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 22, 2020

“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?”

Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down!

Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any?

There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy.

More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.” Make a shift… then save your marriage.

I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)

Taking Back the Hurt

Gut Punch Moments

Quit Asking “Why is This Happening?”

Zombie Marriage??

Is It Time for a Bootcamp??

RELATED RESOURCES: Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE Grab the Save The Marriage System Here Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here

The Spouse Predicament

How to NOT Save Your Marriage

Staying in the Game

Finding the Energy – Continuing your Efforts

RELATED RESOURCES:
Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE
Grab the Save The Marriage System Here
Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here