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Posts Tagged :

how to change

The Problem with Changing… and Proving It!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage.  Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed.

It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation.  And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay.  While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far.

And noting the relationship problems?  That might “fall on deaf ears,” too.

Which means you may just be catching the blame.

The problem with changing… and your attempts to change.And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way.  Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make.

Now what?

Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes.

Maybe to prove you can.  Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed.

Here is the problem:  Change is hard, and rarely straightforward.  When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success.  Every now and then, you are likely to fall short.  You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses.

That doesn’t mean you have failed.  Only that change is often a journey.

But those slips?  They will absolutely be seen as failures by a suspicious spouse who is not trusting the changes (or even your capacity to change).

And that is the problem with change.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover some questions about this that were submitted by listeners.  Take a listen below!

RELATED RESOURCES:
We Change When We Change
When Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe
“I’ve Changed” and Other Things Not To Say
Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See The Change
Responsibility Formula
Save The Marriage System

 

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“Help! My Spouse Doesn’t Believe I Can Change!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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When your spouse doesn't believe you will change or have changed. What to do.You’ve been working hard to reconnect and change yourself.  You’re proud of your efforts.  But your spouse just isn’t buying.

For whatever reason (which is what I discuss in this week’s podcast), your spouse just does not trust the changes — or maybe doesn’t even see the changes!

Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall?  Like nothing you are doing is making a difference?  Like your spouse has already judged you and won’t allow themselves to see something different?

This week, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn’t willing or able to see a change.  Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn’t trust that the change will last.

Does that describe your situation?  If so, please listen.  I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.

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End Your Dance of Hurt and Blame
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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End the dance of hurt and blame.Hurt.  Blame.  Hurt.  Blame.

The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps.  That dance isn’t fun.  But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!

Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.

Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.

Unless you decide to change the dance.

Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.”  True.

And if you are married, you two are dancing.  In other words, the dance is already in progress.  But you know what?  In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps.  And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.

Tired of the dance you are in?

Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Finding Your Why
Showing Up
Connection Resources
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

 

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New Year, New You in 1 Word
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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New Year, New YouHere we are, on the cusp of a new year.  Just another day.  But in another way, a whole new day and whole new year.

No matter what this year has been for you, time to let it go and move forward.  We spend way too much time looking back at what has been.  That keeps us from truly looking forward toward what will and can be.

Let the last year stay behind you as you turn the calendar page.  Let’s move toward something new.

Who you were is someone you never have to be again, unless you want to be!  Otherwise, lets choose a new direction in the New Year.

If you are waiting for a lesson in making New Year’s resolutions, look elsewhere.  I used to do that.  I would end up with a list of 5 to 10 resolutions, made completely sober, that would fall one-by-one during the first few weeks of January, each year.

One word.

That is all you need for your change in this year.

One word.

Listen for how I do this, and how you can do the same (along with a few suggested shifts in perspective).

What is YOUR word?

 

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How To TRULY Change
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to TRULY change.Life is change.  Relationships change, we change, the world around us changes.

Yet, for the most part, we humans resist change.

Let’s assume you have now listened to my series on What Happy Couples Do Differently.  Let’s further assume that you think it might be even a good idea to move in that direction.

That does raise the question of how to change.  You’ve already decided to change.

So, for the next couple of weeks, lets talk about this change.

Real change.

Not just making it look like you are changing.  But truly changing.

That change starts from the inside, and works outward.  The level of change we are talking about is changing your beliefs, your paradigm, your understanding of the world.

Are you ready?

If you are, let me invite you to learn about my KNAC Protocol of Change.  This protocol describes the 3 arenas of change, and how each one builds to a real change.

Listen in on the podcast as I describe the KNAC Protocol and how to begin the process of change.

Resources Referenced:
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 1:  Conflict
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 2:  Connection
What Happy Couples Do Differently, Part 3:  Companionship
The Save The Marriage System

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