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how to convince your husband to stay

Love Is A Gift, Not A Transaction!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love is a gift, not a transaction.You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return.  You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.

Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.

But I want to challenge you:  are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?

If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”

That is a recipe for hurt and pain.

Love is a gift.  And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.

Let me say that again:

Love is a gift, not a transaction.

Sometimes, I hear a spouse complain, “I always think there are strings attached.  It feels so needy and manipulative.”  While they can’t quite put there finger on it, this is the reason.  Their spouse is doing “loving” things, but not without strings attached, expectations just below the surface.

This behavior often grows into a relationship, contaminating it.  At first, you do things because you want the other person to know how much you care.  Then, over time, it is more and more about feeling cared for.  Maybe it is a hug, hoping for a hug in return.  Perhaps it is an “I love you,” so you can be assured of an “I love you” back.  Or maybe it is a “backrub,” with hopes and pressure it will lead to more.

Love is a gift, freely given.

Transactions are for businesses and banks.

The gift of love is only felt as love, when it is given with no strings attached.

Let’s talk about it in today’s podcast!

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
The Balance Book Marriage
Interview with Gary Chapman – Love Experiment2 Necessary Feelings
Save The Marriage System

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Stop Trying To Convince Your Spouse To Stay!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Stop trying to convince your spouse to stay.You line up your argument:  hit ’em with facts about how divorce affects the kids, show ’em how divorce will devastate retirement for both of you, show ’em research that proves divorces do not lead to more happiness or satisfaction, etc., etc., etc.

Now, you just know you can convince your spouse to stay!

Have you done that?  Have you decided to rationally explain why you should stay married, and how you two can work things out?

How did it go?

My guess is, it failed miserably.  At least in my experience, I have not seen that approach work.  A polite spouse may say, “You’ve given me lots to think about.”  (This is short-hand for “You’ve given me lots to think about, but I have no intention of thinking about it.”)  A less polite spouse may tell you where you can go, making it clear that the spouse is not interested in logic or reason.

Why is that?  Aren’t we reasonable creatures?  Don’t we follow logic?

The simple, and quite obvious, truth is that we humans are anything but rational, reasonable, and logical.

A quick glance around will let you know that logic is not winning in the world.  Emotions carry the day.

In fact, according to research, upwards of 90% of decision-making is emotional (and mostly unconscious).  We simply look for logical and rational reasons to support our emotional decisions.

Which is why your efforts to argue logic and reason will fail.

Marriage is nurtured by emotional connection — and starved by a lack of it.  When a marriage is connection-starved, decisions to leave are fueled, not by logic, but by emotions.  And attempts to argue logic?  They will fail.

Listen to the podcast and let me know what you think!

If you feel the need for more help in healing the emotions, drop me an email at [email protected].

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