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Posts Tagged :

how to forgive

From Apology to Reconciling
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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From apology to reconciling is a journey as you save your marriage.You have already journeyed to here.  Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain.  Maybe your connection has gone cold.  But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.

Somewhere better.

It may seem cliche, but it is a journey.  And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.

Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.

Those four big stops?

  • Apology
  • Forgiving
  • Trusting
  • Reconciling

Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road.  But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another.  You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.

In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate.  They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.

Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
What’s Your Apology?
Ready to Forgive?
What is Trust?
Save The Marriage System (remember to grab your free week of VIP!)

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Forgiveness is NOT a Blank Check
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Forgiveness is NOT a blank check: Immutable Law of Marriage.Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.”  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift

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