how to save a marriage – Page 4 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Moving Forward… One Way or The Other…

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 18, 2019 September 9, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 18, 2019

“I need some encouragement,” the note ended. The writer is a listener of my podcast and admitted the hard work that has gone into trying to save his marriage.

At the same time, another listener asked about whether this effort — the work to save her marriage — was just a “waste of time.” Could I, the writer wanted to know, point to some hope? Some reason to continue the efforts.

If you haven’t felt like these two writers, I’d be surprised. And would be super-surprised if it did not emerge at some point in the process.

Working on a marriage crisis can feel like a slow slog through a deep bog, hip-high in quicksand and sludge. It can feel like it threatens to pull you under.

Those are the times we need some encouragement and direction. Some… as one asked… hope, and as the other asked… encouragement.

I don’t believe in false hope. I tell it like it is… and encourage you to take the steps you need to take. I shoot straight and tell the truth. So, first, let me say that I do not (and have never) claim that every marriage can be saved. Even if you do everything right, your spouse may still refuse to move toward the relationship.

I also know that there are two good outcomes. First is to save your marriage. Second is to rest assured that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.

My encouragement: There is one way through this. And that is THROUGH this. Regardless of outcome, YOU WILL BE OK. And YOU get to choose how you respond to this and every other challenge in life. So respond the best you can. Do your best. Rest in that knowledge.

Oh, and make sure you prepare yourself to do your best. Equip and execute. You’ve GOT this!

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Depression And Your Marriage Crisis

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 11, 2019

Lately on the podcast, I have been answering listener questions. And quite a few have come in about how depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or… and this is more central to the question… how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis?

Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times.

The question is how you move through both crises: depression and a marriage crisis.

In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis.

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“Why Should I Even Try?” – When Discouragement Hits… Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 24, 2019

Several people have asked me the same thing: “What if I am not even sure I want to save my marriage? I am so frustrated and discouraged, I feel like quitting… not even trying.”

It is a great question!

(By the way, if you want to submit a question for me to consider answering on a future podcast, email to [email protected])

Let’s be honest: it can be a frustrating and discouraging process. Sometimes, people think I say the process is easy. But in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I use the word, “Simple.” That is not the same as easy. Just direct. Simple. (Only 3 steps.)

Many people, in a fit of frustration, a moment of anger, give up and walk away… only to regret it just a little further down the road.

Which is why I suggest you think about your decision a bit differently. I suggest you assess your reasons as part of your plan, and as a touch-point when things are difficult (and they will be). Because many times, the difficulty comes when people are close to success… they just didn’t know it.

If you are discouraged (or want to avoid being discouraged), listen in on this episode of the podcast, as I explore “Why Even Try???”

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Secrets To A Conscious Partnership

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 8, 2019

When a marriage is struggle, stuck, and painful, you are likely stuck in an unconscious relationship. Unconscious dynamics continue to push and pull at both of you, leading to disagreement, dissent, and disdain.

But it does not have to get stuck there. It is possible to make a powerful shift from an unconscious relationship to a conscious partnership.

There has to be a starting point, right?

Guess what? Just knowing that you are stuck in unconscious relating IS the first step. Really, step zero. Because until you are there, you can’t take any further steps. As with most things, once we recognize that something is the problem, we have taken a huge step in getting ready to take a step to resolve.

Strange, right? Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. It is a paradigm shift. And until you make that shift, you can’t build into the new paradigm.

A full conscious partnership is your goal, whether you knew it or not. You want to be powerfully shifting into a new level of partnership where the unconscious crap does not continue to sabotage your relating. You want, instead, to be relating from a point of connection and consciousness.

Most people, at this point, tell me the “just don’t have time or energy to devote to that.” Until I point out how much time and energy they are already devoting to the hurt, pain, and discomfort of where things are. Might as well make sure the time and energy are more constructive than destructive.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I interview Alexandra Stockwell about how you can begin to build a conscious partnership. We discuss steps you can take to make a shift from the unconscious to the conscious. (For the full interview, join Relationship Rewrite for access.)

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WHY Even Try? (Back2Basics)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 10, 2019

You may be wondering, “Does it even matter? Should I just let this marriage go? WHY does it matter?”

Let’s start with this: It matters! A lot!

Why does it matter?

Well, the real reason why can vary from person-to-person. It is all about finding YOUR “why”, your big reason for working on it.

Here is an important hint: the BIG Why is not about fear. It is not about fearing the loss of something. It is about what saving a marriage means to you.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 5 reasons why saving a marriage matters. Then, I walk you through a process to discover your Big WHY’s, and how to use your Why’s to keep you on track, as you work to save your marriage.

Listen below.

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Of Enemies and Victims

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 30, 2019

Roles. We all have them. We all play them.

Some are “identity roles.” They identify us in the role. For example, I am “son,” “father,” “brother,” “husband.”

Some are “function roles.” They identify what we do. For example, I am “coach,” “therapist,” “author,” “speaker,” and “podcaster” (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are “attribution roles.” They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles… and what to do, instead.

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It’s a NO… (unless you ask/try)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 9, 2019

It is probably the most frequent question I get… “Should I try to save my marriage?” I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day. People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying).

Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make. Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage. I can’t make that choice for them.

But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question.

One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship. NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship. There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending.

The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage.

Is it possible that you put forth effort… really dig in… really give it your best effort… and your marriage still fails. But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don’t take action, your marriage will end. And it is highly possible that you put in the effort… and your marriage is saved.

The choice is your choice. But it is a NO… unless you try.

Let’s talk about that choice in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast

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Your New Year Renewal Plan

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 26, 2018

It’s just around the corner… just days away. The end of this year and the beginning of a New Year.

A new beginning. A fresh start.

A renewal of your efforts to save your marriage.

Many times, as time wears on, when an effort wears on… we tend to drift. Sometimes, we know it. Other times, it just creeps up on us. We think we are following a plan… but we aren’t.

This is a great time to take a quick step back, then take a strong step forward. It is a time to renew your approach, your clarity, and your determination.

On this week’s podcast episode, I cover 4 areas of renewal. When put together, you will be off to a great start into the New Year, renewed and recommitted to your efforts to save and improve your marriage.

Listen below for more on these 4 key areas of renewal.

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You Know You’re On The Same Team… Right??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 11, 2018

One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to… win… well, to be honest, I don’t know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage!

I stopped them, looked at them and said, “You do know you are on the same team…” and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, “… right??”

They certainly were not working like a team. They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other. They were struggling to win. But either one “winning” would be a “lose” for the marriage.

Too many people miss this one essential — crucial — fact about marriage… you both are on the same team. You are working toward a common goal (or should be). The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.

This is the fundamental point of being what I call a “WE.” WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other’s back; WE are a team! Same side, same direction (or should be).

Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!

RELATED RESOURCES:
Connecting
Being A WE
Conflict
Save The Marriage System

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Every Shortcut Has Gotten You Here. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 21, 2017

I admit it. The phone call got under my skin. We were traveling and I answered the call. The person asked if I was the “save the marriage guy.” I told him I was. He told me he didn’t want my System. Just the secret, the “short-cut.”

When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn’t want to go through all of that. He just needed the “trick,” the short-cut.

We went round and round for a couple more minutes.

I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the “short-cuts” he had been trying is what got him to here.

He hung up, likely still looking for the “short-cut.”

And I was left thinking. Wondering. Pondering.

And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the “trick.” Those “tricks” are all the things on the internet about “hypnosis,” “reverse psychology,” “spells,” or any of those other manipulations.

You can be efficient in your efforts. You can be effective in your plan. But not by taking the “short-cuts” that are really just tricks.

Can I tell you more about this? Listen to the podcast below.

Then, let me suggest trying a REAL approach: the Save The Marriage System you can find RIGHT HERE.

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