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how to save your marriage

4 Steps to Civility In Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Civility is the starting point for saving your marriage.Many times, I found myself just playing referee in my office.  The sparring match began when the couple sat down, and didn’t stop until they left.

It seemed that all I could do was ring the bell and end a round.  “Be civil,” I would tell them.

Then, the gloves would come off and they were sparring again.

“Be civil,” I would tell them, more emphatically, but still in my best therapist’s voice.

And still, they would go after each other.

One day, a man turned to me and said, “Is that all you can say? ‘Be civil?'”  I looked at him, and in my most “therapy” therapist voice said, “That would be a really good place to start.”

Being civil IS a great place to start, an excellent place to continue, and a terrific foundation to any relationship.

Here is the irony:  on a daily basis, we are civil to many, many people — some we probably don’t even like!

And then, to the one most important person in our lives — our spouse — we let it fly!  Civility is out the window.

Let’s decide, together, that as a foundation, civility is a great starting point.

Here are 4 steps to bringing more civility into your marriage — regardless of the conflict level right now.

 

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End Your Controlling Behavior (before it ends your marriage)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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End your controlling behavior, before it ends your marriage!Yet another email:  “My spouse is leaving me because my spouse is tired of my controlling behavior.  I didn’t know I was!  Help!”

Sometimes, the email tells me one thing different:  the person knew he/she was controlling — but thought it was OK.

It isn’t.

Controlling behavior is yet another dynamic that erodes the connection of any relationship — but is amplified in marriage.

Some people recognize they are controlling (and even brag a bit about it), and others simply don’t notice.

And for every person who is actively controlling, someone else has to be controlled.  These two roles are allowed and accepted by both.  And in the process, the foundation of the marriage is slowly crumbled.

Here’s the problem:  controlling behavior impinges on the freedom of choice of someone else; it undermines the judgement and thoughts of one person, while elevating another person’s actions and thoughts.

Sadly, many people miss the underlying cause of controlling behavior.  Instead, they feed the behavior and allow it more power.  In the process, they create a cycle of continually more and more controlling behavior.  At some point, a spouse decides enough is enough.

Don’t get to that point!  Learn how to step back from being controlling.

 

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“I’ve Changed” And 3 Other Things NOT To Say
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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4 things NOT to say.It can be frustrating.  You are trying hard to change yourself.  You are learning about yourself and relationships.  You are growing and know you are NOT like you were.

But your spouse doesn’t seem to notice.  In fact, your spouse keeps on reacting to the OLD you, even while the NEW you is doing something different.

You want to SCREAM:  “I’VE CHANGED!!!”

Don’t.

And while you are NOT saying that, don’t ask: “Why don’t you love me?”, “What did I do?”, or say “Please don’t leave!”

Want to know why?  Want to know what to do, instead?

I discuss this on the Save The Marriage Podcast this week.

Listen below.

 

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“Give It To Me Straight, Doc. Can This Be Saved?” #69 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“Can my marriage be saved?”  That question is echoed in email after email, voicemail after voicemail, and conversation after conversation.

“Just give it to me straight,” Jerry told me.  He was more direct than others.  “I know you are supposed to say, ‘Of course it can,’ but do I have a chance?”

To be clear, I am not supposed to say anything.  Most people tell me I can be a bit too direct.  So, I never pad my response.  The problem is, I cannot tell, with 100% accuracy, whether a marriage is going to turn around.

You see, I have no way of predicting whether Jerry will carry through with his plan — whether he will react, in a moment of weakness, and fall short; or whether he will simply NOT act.

Also, I have no way of predicting how Jerry’s spouse will respond to Jerry’s plan.

But, as I told Jerry, I do know this:  if he does not act, I can guarantee the marriage will continue to crumble.  And most crumbled marriages end.

There are very few guarantees in life (other than taxes and death).  So, I can’t guarantee.

So, how do we raise the odds?  How do we get things moving toward the potential of a saved and restored marriage?

That’s my topic in today’s podcast.  I offer some reasons why things can be more complicated.  And I give you some direction on how to move forward.

After listening, if you are ready to get started, Here Is My Save The Marriage System.

If you have already started with my System, but are ready to take your efforts to the next level, email me about my Virtual Coaching Program.

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How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage (Thanksgiving Message)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Happy Thanksgiving!Thanksgiving Day, in the United States, is upon us.  The day we turn our attention to “thanks” and “gratitude.”

What does that have to do with your marriage?

LOTS.

Gratitude can transform your marriage.

I discovered this a few years back, when I gave a couple an exercise that transformed their view of each other.

Gratitude is the language of connection and friendship.

Criticism is the enemy of connection, and the opposite of gratitude.

Learn how you can integrate practices of gratitude into your own life and into your relationship.

Wishing you a meaningful Thanksgiving, wherever you are!

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3 Ways To Stay In The Game When You Want To Quit: #66
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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We all hit that point where we just want to give up.  Remember that poster with the cat at the end of the rope?  We get it.  We’ve all been there.

While working on your relationship, you may have already hit it.  Or you may feel close.

This is normal.  Working on a relationship can be frustrating, painful, scary, and defeating.  That is part of the process.  This is especially true if your relationship has been falling apart for awhile.

You see, many people finally realize their marriage is on the rocks as the ship is taking on water.  You keep on bailing, but it seems to keep on filling.

So, when that feeling hits, what do you do?  How do you stay in the game?  How do you keep moving forward?

Today, I want to give you 3 ways to do just that.  These 3 strategies will help you continue forward, in spite of the feelings you may have of wanting to quit.

Since you are here, that tells me you have a commitment to persevering.  Let me give you some strategies to do just that.

Let me know what you think in the comments are below.

And if you are ready to get your plan together, visit me at SaveTheMarriage.com.

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4 Steps To Not Ruining Today With Yesterday: #64 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't ruin today with yesterday.I have heard too many spouses say, “I would love it if we could save our marriage.  But you have NO IDEA about what has happened!  There is no way for us to move forward!”

Or how about this one?: “Do you have any idea what he/she did?  How can I ever forgive/trust/move on/reconnect/love again?”

As far as we can tell, we humans are the only creatures capable of looking at what has happened and reformulating what is to come.

We are the only ones who can thoughtfully say, “Well, that didn’t work.  I think I had better learn a new way/decide on a new path/try something different.”

And as far as we can tell, we are the only creatures that continually live our lives caught in the past, living in the land of “what has been,” while failing to note “what is happening right now.”

This is why I love Dr. Gary Chapman’s quote so much:  “I am amazed at how many people ruin today with yesterday.”

Where do YOU live?  Where does your spouse live?

You DO have a choice.

Today, I want to talk about 4 simple practices that will help you leave the past where it belongs — in the past, and how to move into what is, this present moment.

By following these 4 simple practices, you can escape the trap of the past, while still learning from it and changing for the better.

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“I Love You, But I’m Not In Love.” What It Means, What To Do: #63
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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LoveIsAVerbCoveysmall“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”  That single statement starts more marriage crises than any other sentence.

To be clear, the issues were already there.

It’s just that many times, one spouse does not know how disconnected the other spouse is feeling.

But when that one statement drops, everything changes.  The issues are out there.  The problems begin to emerge.

The festering infection is now brought to the surface.

Sometimes, the infection has been festering for years — maybe even the vast majority of the relationship.

Maybe there have been some attempts to address the marital problems in the past.  Sometimes, a habit here or there has been changed.

But the underlying dynamic that is causing the real marriage crisis, that has eluded efforts.

“I’m not in love with you” can feel like a kick in the gut.  The emotional pain can double you over.

And when we are in emotional pain, we rarely respond in constructive and helpful ways.  The infection can quickly overwhelm the marriage.

But what does that phrase REALLY mean?  Why does it often appear “out of the blue?”  Why is the spiral down so quick after this is spoken?

Let’s talk about this.  In today’s podcast, I help you understand the meaning behind this phrase — and what to do about it!

If you want further help and have heard this phrase, please grab my Save The Marriage System.  If you want further help, let me know at [email protected]

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What’s YOUR Model of Marriage?: #56 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Mental models.  We all have them.  It can help us make sense of the world. . . and keep us stuck.  Every mental model is really a shortcut in understanding reality.

A mental model is simply a way we understand something.  Politics are a mental model.  Each political view has a certain viewpoint on many topics and issues.  But given the wide array of political views, it would appear that each viewpoint has shortcomings — information that is missing or ignored.

The same is true throughout our lives.  Every mental model we have gives us both strengths and weaknesses.  And we rarely examine why those models are there, or where they come from.

Where did YOU learn about marriage?Take, for example, your model of marriage.  Where did YOUR understanding of marriage come from?  Mostly likely, it has a great deal to do with the marriage you saw as you were growing up.

Many of us grew up with the “tough it out” or “screw it, I’m out” models of marriage.  The lessons learned by watching these two models can keep us stuck and limit our possibility for change in marriage.

Are you ready to make a shift in your mental model?  Allow me to offer yet another model.  I think you will find my model has more potential than either of the other two models.

In this week’s podcast, I cover the 3 models and give you help in making the shift.  Let me know what model you had growing up, and how you are changing it now.  Just leave a comment in the area below.

If you are ready for a new model, but are not quite sure how to get there, please grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

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7 Strategies When You Hear “This Will Never Work and I Don’t Love You”: #47 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Emotions are not reality when saving your marriage.A kick in the gut.  Your spouse tells you “I don’t love you.”  Or as you are trying to save your relationship, your spouse says, “This will never work.”  It can take you to your knees.

You might want to give up.  You might believe your spouse is telling you the truth.

In actuality,  your spouse is really telling you about his or her emotional state.  And an emotional state is not the same as reality.  Emotions change.

But you do NOT want to make it worse.  You don’t want to respond in certain ways that will only cause your partner to more deeply believe the story he/she is telling to you (and to him/herself).

In this week’s podcast, I explain the truth behind these definitive and painful statements, plus 7 tips and strategies to make sure things don’t get worse (and in fact, get better!).

Let me know your thoughts and experiences in the comments area below!

 

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