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how to save your marriage

Save The Marriage Video: What Is A MidLife Crisis?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Do you, in the midst of trying to save your marriage, suspect that your spouse is having a midlife crisis?  Many people think they know what that means, but do you really understand it?  Do you know what effect a midlife crisis can have on a marriage, creating a midlife marriage crisis?  Can this marriage be saved if the spouse is in the midst of a crisis?  Here is your “save my marriage advice” when a midlife crisis seems to be a part of the problem!

Video: When Is A Marriage Too Far Gone?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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So, you are working to save your marriage, perhaps alone.  And you begin to wonder, “is this just too far gone?”  It is a common concern, full of emotion.  Frightening to consider.  But let’s consider it.  This video will help you decide whether it is too late to save your marriage and stop a divorce.

Video: Why Do Marriages Fail?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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People often start with the question “can this marriage be saved?”  Let me suggest that first, you need to understand why marriages fail.  We will  be examining this in the first video.

If you are ready to start saving your marriage, please watch the video so you will understand what happens to a marriage.

 

The Save The Marriage Video Series
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the next little bit, you are going to find a whole series of free videos right here on this blog.  The videos are designed to help you get the information you need to help save your marriage.  Many people find this blog in a search for resources on how to save a marriage and stop a divorce, so I put together this series to get you going.

Will it answer all of your questions?  No, but no resource can do that.  Can it get you started?  ABSOLUTELY!  This is information you can put into place quickly and easily.

And keep coming back for more videos!

Want to Save Your Marriage? Change Yourself!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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My guess is you are at my site because you want to learn how to save their marriage.  There are relationship issues that must be addressed.  But where do you start?  My answer:  look in the mirror.  You, yourself are the greatest tool you have in your efforts to save your marriage.

Let me tell you about a recent client of mine.

Bart came into my office this week, stuck again.  I say again, because this was not his first marriage crisis.  He and his wife had been to the brink of divorce several times.  In previous crises, they had peered over the edge of the cliff, and decided to back away.

This time, I was not so sure.  This time, Sue was adamant that she had had enough.  Broken promise after broken promise of change had hardened her heart to the possibility of lasting change.

Many times in the past, Bart had loudly proclaimed that he had realized the err of his ways, and was ready to change.  For a little while, he would act differently.  It was all an act, though.  Nothing had really changed.  Sometimes, I think he even believed it himself.

Once again, we were working hard to hold onto a marriage that had been to the edge before, trying to keep them from taking that leap into the abyss of divorce.  But I wondered if we could do it again — could we stop the divorce?

There was a difference this time.  It gave us a starting point.  This time, Bart realized something about himself that he had long ignored and denied.  Bart was controlling.  Overtly and covertly, Bart tried hard to make his world go the way he wanted his world to go.  Only problem was, his wife was caught up in that world.  His world was invading her world.  And she had simply had enough.

Why was he controlling?  The same reason anyone is:  Fear!  Control your world and you can control all the bad things that might happen, or at least that is what we tell ourselves.

Sure, Sue had some areas she might want to change.  Don’t we all?

For Sue, she might want to consider that when someone is in a controlling relationship, at some point, they got into the role of being controlled.  Perhaps she had allowed this to happen to avoid conflict.  Or perhaps it was easier to do this than to make her own decisions.  Either way, it didn’t matter.  She allowed herself to be controlled, and Bart gladly controlled.

One day, Bart asked, “why do I have to be the one to change?  She needs to change, too.”   My answer is one of pragmatics, “Bart, you are here, wanting to save your marriage.  Your wife is not, and she is willing to call it quits.  That means it is up to you.  You can either stomp your feet and tell me how it is unfair, or you can change.  The choice is yours.”

That caught Bart off-guard.  He had to stop and think about this.  He had to face the need to change, regardless of what Sue might do.

This proved to be a bit difficult.  The reason is not because he is not capable of the change.  The reason is because Bart went from working on changing to proving he was changing.  That was a problem.  Can you see it?

Bart began to work to control his world, so that his wife would see he was not being controlling.  In other words, he was using his defense mechanism to prove he did not have a defense mechanism.  We all do that.

We develop behaviors because they worked for us at one time.   They allowed us to have some sense of control and effect on our life around us.
Problem is, they stop working and start creating problems.  Our old behavior in a new world are what trip us up.  Where did we learn the behavior?  Childhood.  Where does it fail us?  Adulthood.  Ouch!

In order to save your marriage, you first  want to adopt a growth mindset.  Don’t trap yourself into feeling stuck!  We humans have a great capacity for growth and change, but we quickly forget it.

Then follow these direct and simple steps:

First step:  face the fact that a)  you have things that you can change, regardless of what is happening in your marriage, and b) you have the capacity for change, growth, and improvement.

Second step:  reflect on what your spouse has been telling you.  Write down at least 5 recurring themes or issues your spouse keeps naming as problems.  Don’t add “yeah, but. . . .”  Just write them down and accept that they just MIGHT be true.

Third step:  reflect on the places where you keep tripping up in life.  These can be patterns that keep seeming to repeat themselves.  They often tell you how you automatically react and respond to situations.  In other words, they describe places that no longer work.  Add them to your list.

Fourth step:  reflect on that list.  If there are some that you simply disagree with (not just deny because you would hate to admit it), then mark a line through them.  Don’t scribble them out, as you might just return to them and see they are more true than you would like to admit.

Fifth step:  make a list of how you might change each of the themes or issues.  Where can you start RIGHT NOW?  Anywhere is better than nowhere.  So start there.

Sixth step:  make it a daily habit to reflect on who you want to be, and what you are doing to get there.  Don’t wait and think you will do this later.  Change takes effort and time.  It took you a while to become who you are, and it will take some time to recreate yourself.

Seventh step:  give yourself some room for “relapses.”  You don’t turn yourself around overnight.  It will take some time.  But one day, you will look back and wonder about that person you had become — and be glad you have become someone better!

Eighth step:  DON’T set out to prove how you have changed.  Simply be the change.  It will be noticed.  Trying to prove something makes you act.  So simply BE the change.

A final note:  just because you are now working on yourself doesn’t mean you should ignore the relationship piece.  Discover how you can transform the marriage while you are working on yourself.  Then, you will be doing both pieces:  changing yourself and changing your relationship.  Learn how to transform your relationship here.

Is Marriage An Outdated Idea?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the past few years, I have begun to notice a trend in articles questioning the long-term survival of marriage.  Some have called it a dinosaur with no place in today’s society.  Others just note it is an outdated idea.  The real question is whether marriage has any role in society.

The largest evidence used is the divorce rate.  We quickly spout off the divorce rate as 50%, but we are noticing the actual rate is in the 40%’s.  So, while not 1/2, way to many people are unable to save their marriage and end in divorce.

Interestingly, statistics show that most people average between 4 and 10 jobs in their adult life, many ended in firings, yet I don’t hear cries for ending work, calling it an outdated idea (as much as many would like to!).

Why does marriage get a bad rap?  Perhaps the real issue is our way of preparing people for marriage is not just outdated, but non-existent.  People have a very low RQ (relationship Quotient).  They don’t even understand what creates a successful marriage.  So when a marriage cannot be saved, when a divorce cannot be stopped, do we blame the couple or think that perhaps society has failed them?

But the idea that marriage is outdated misses one central and unavoidable need of humans:  a constant and consistent connection with someone.  Isn’t that really what we are all seeking when we fall in love?  Someone to spend our lives with, to lean on (and be leaned on), to live in mutual support?

We have that need hard-wired into us.  A great deal of research on attachment theory has proven that if this need is not met, we actually suffer physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  In other words, we are wired for intimate relationship.  We are wired, in other words, for marriage.

The real problem is not with an outdated idea, but with a lack of education and understanding on how to sustain and grow a marriage.

It is much easier to learn how to build a marriage than struggle to figure out how to save your marriage.  People could stop a divorce by knowing how to build a marriage.   That really is the issue, isn’t it?

What do you think?

You Either Come Together, Or Come Apart
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I was getting ready to head out the door this morning, headed to teach a class.  On the TV were the images we all have had a chance to see.  Mangled cars, destroyed homes, scattered personal belongings.  The destruction from the tornadoes this past week is amazing and awful.

Then, in the midst of the story, were two different scenes.  In both, a couple was sitting on the front stoop of their house, arm in arm.  Except there was no home behind them.  Only a mess where their life had been.

I tried to find a picture of that scene, but couldn’t.  I did find a picture of a couple, though, surrounded by destruction in each others’ arms.

In the midst of a disaster, these are scenes of people doing what successful couples do.  They pull together.  They find love and support from each other as they try to move through the circumstances.

You either come together as a couple, or life will pull you apart.

Years back, we were on vacation, and the air conditioner in our vacation spot went out.  We were trouble-shooting some of the repairs, and I had removed a grill cover to the air filter in the floor.  The filter was still in place.

I was talking on the phone, trying to get the problem resolved.  I wasn’t noticing that I had left the grill off or that my young daughter was toddling toward the opening.

She stepped onto the air filter and it collapsed.  My wife jumped toward her, and I dropped the phone and moved to her.  When we both grabbed, all that was still above the hole was a foot and hand.

We pulled her to safety, realizing the next stop was the whirring blades of the fan, which had sucked her socks right off.

After the moments of confusion calmed, both my wife and I began to question/blame each other for not watching/not covering.  Point is, we pointed fingers.

But then my wife noted that we had lots more situations like this headed our way.  Did we want to fight against each other or pull together?

I have noticed that married couples have ample opportunities to either stand together or be in opposition.  Standing together, that is the goal.

One piece of the puzzle of how to save your marriage is to stand together.  Make a commitment to face the challenges of life on the same team, supporting and coming together.

Let’s remember to keep those in the path of the recent storm and so many of life’s storms in our thoughts and prayers.  My hope is they continue to stand together.

The Royal Wedding: Yours and Theirs
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Were you up early?  Quite a few people on this side of the Atlantic were up long before the sun decided to get up, ready to watch with the world the nuptials of a future king and queen.  I have to be honest, I was not among them.  But as I rolled out of bed to help the kids off to school, my wife turned on the TV, and I saw a few bits of the royal fanfare.The Royal Couple

And indeed, it was beautiful!  Add a not-so-small amount of pomp, throw in a good looking couple, and stir with our romantic notions, and it was quite the event.  But what does it have to do with a blog about how to save your marriage?

Richard Charters, the Bishop of London, said it best, “in a sense, every wedding is a royal wedding.”

Whenever I see a wedding, it always makes me think of my own wedding, but also weddings in general.

Our wedding was on a blazing hot day in the North Carolina mountains.  My dear mother-in-law had matched those brides-maids dresses to the stainglass windows, so they were certainly staying closed!  And who needs air conditioning in the mountains?

OK, so I remember the heat and the sweat, but I also remember my beautiful bride coming toward me.  I remember the vows I made.  And I remember, as we walked out hand-in-hand, that it all had seemed too easy!  I went into that building single, and emerged less than an hour later, promising to spend my life with someone.  Wow!  We sometimes forget the power of that.

My real pain of watching people marry is knowing just that:  it is easy.  Probably too easy.  My daughter recently got her driver’s license.  She had to drive, under guidance of an adult (mostly me) for 60 hours, by state law, before they would let her have her license.  She had to complete a written test. Then she had to prove it to an officer, that she could, indeed, drive that car.

Marriage?  Just walk right up, maybe with a blood test in your hands, pay a few bucks, and get your “marriage license.”  You are then licensed to marry.  Pretty simple, no?  Maybe too simple.

“Yeah but,” you argue, “a car can be a deadly weapon.”  Correct.  “And so can relationships,” I argue, “given the pain of broken relationships.”  Then you might respond, “but there are just some marriages that were wrong from the start.”

And I would respond that I truly believe this is only a small percentage.  Most marriages go awry, not because the wrong people were together, but because they didn’t have a clue what they were doing.

In many instances, the wedding happens, and everyone congratulates the couple, and off they go to figure it all out on their own.  No mentoring, no “how to” guides, no guidance at all.  Oh, sure, some churches offer premarital counseling.  I should know.  I do that very thing for several churches.

But let’s be real honest here:  couples, before they get married, have no idea what they are getting into.  Think about trying to tell an expectant couple that is dreaming of their beautiful baby, about the sleepless nights, yucky diapers, icky throw-up, or many of the other parenting pieces that fall into your lap.  Would they even hear it?

The best I hope for is that the couple have some sense that they are in for some unforeseen changes, and give them some markers to move toward.  And I hope they know that they can return when they have a tough time.

Why is it that we have this notion that marriage should be easy, and if it isn’t, it was a mistake?  Why don’t we adopt a growth mindset that tells us that everything we do can be improved, as long as we work on improving it?

So what about YOUR royal wedding?  Did it start with hopes and expectations?  It can still happen.  But that does mean giving up on the myth that right marriages just click.  It means looking at successful marriages as continued, daily effort to be a better person and spouse.  THAT is why the royal marriage is in a blog about how to save your marriage!

Saving A Marriage Requires Reaching Outside of Yourself
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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At its best, marriage calls us to reach beyond ourselves, to love and show love to another. Two people doing that is magic! Both people are meeting the other person’s needs, and getting their own needs met. But what happens when that process begins to fail? The process is like a whirlpool, sucking the relationship down.

John and Susan were caught in that process.  In day-to-day life, a wonderful marriage slowly decays when energy isn’t added in.  That was true for these two.  John was running after a successful career.  Susan was working, but had eyes on a family.  While both felt the stress, they decided “now or never,” and launched into parenthood.

Time was eaten up by children’s events and work demands. . . or at least that is what Susan and John kept telling themselves.  But in reality, every day, they chose to NOT spend time connecting, NOT spend time together, NOT nurturing their relationship.  And like any neglected muscle, their love began to atrophy.

For a while, life can pull you through this.  But eventually, the relationship finally rises to consciousness.  Unfortunately, neither John nor Susan thought “Wow, I am really not putting into this relationship.”  Instead, both began to ask themselves, “what am I getting out of this?  Where is the love coming toward me?”  Unfortunately, right after asking themselves that question, each answered with “if I am not being loved, I am going to stop reaching out with love.”

The relationship further deteriorated.  But now, instead of benign neglect, it was fueled by anger and resentment.  John finally announced, “I have had enough.  You don’t love me, I don’t love you.  I am leaving.”

Susan was devastated.  She told folks “I knew we had problems, but I thought we had made a commitment.”  But in her own head, she was thinking, “How dare he say I wasn’t loving him.  HE wasn’t loving me!  This is HIS fault.”  And John was equally convinced that Susan was at fault.

The moments of doubt, about how each might have played a role, was justified in each of their minds, pushed away by blame.

Was there a way out?  Yes.  Would it be easy?  No.

If either had set aside blame, and decided to release their hurt, anger, and resentment, there was a possibility.  Either could have reached out toward the other, providing love and support.  That might have saved their relationship, and restored the flow of love between them.

A seemingly easy thing to do, but hard in practice.  Why?  Because we humans are so good at self justification.  We continue to use our own thoughts to prove our reality.  And we all have one well-established tape playing in our minds:  “It’s NOT my fault!”

It really isn’t either person’s fault, but that message keeps either from asking “what can I do to change this?” and then acting on it.

Marriage is about reaching out, over and over, toward the other, until it is a habit.  Sometimes, it is made for difficult by anger and resentment.  Sometimes, it is flexing atrophied muscles.  But sustained effort in the direction of the other can save your marriage.

Don’t be sucked down the whirlpool!  Reach our toward the other.  Ignore that voice saying “it isn’t my fault,” or “why should I reach out?” or “I will if he/she will.”  To quote one company, “Just do it!”  Reach out in love, and see what happens!

Video From Survivor of Hudson Plane Crash: How Crisis Reorients
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Ric Elias survived the plane landing on the Hudson River.  And it completely reoriented his life.

In the video from TED (one of my new favorite sites), Ric discusses, in just a few minutes, how the event transformed his life, including his marriage.

Having been through a health crisis, I can tell you:  looking at your mortality turns your world upside down.  It makes you very clear on what is important and what is not.

Relationships, they are important.  Everything else becomes trivial.  The argument of the day?  Trivial.  Busy work?  Trivial.  Invest in what is important — and marriage is THE relationship upon which I suggest you focus.