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Lee Baucom Save The Marriage

Why “Space” Is Hard
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Why Emotional Space is SO Hard, including physical separation. Fear of intimacy versus fear of abandonment.So many marital crises start with this phrase, “I’m not happy.”  In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

The next step is often, “I need space.”  But that is even scarier!  And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

Maybe an in-house separation.  Maybe a full separation.  Emotional separation becomes physical separation.

All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern:  “I’m not happy.”

One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with “emotional space.”  It is crucial to understand emotional space.

Today, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage.  Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues?  Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested “space”?

We discuss why “space” is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Where is the Gap?
Fears and Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage
How To Show Up
Save The Marriage System

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Coaches’ Corner
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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It has been my great pride and pleasure to have some great coaches on my team.  My team of Relationship Coaches were already amazing coaches when I met each of them.  Along with their own skills, I added in my approach and techniques.

Now, they offer world-class coaching to clients around the world.

But more than that, each one has a story and an approach… unique to each of them.  Their well of wisdom is deep.

Over a number of weeks, I interviewed each one, to introduce you to them, and to let you benefit from their wisdom.  I put all of these episodes together for you, so that you can get all of their wisdom in one spot.

Click the links below to access each episode, an interview with a coach.

Debbie Rivera:  Return To Love

Nina Potter:  Shift From Control

Annette Carpien:  Uncovering Hope

Laurie Johnson:  Staying the Course

Terri Hase:  We Change When We Change

Dave Crispin:  Growing After Loss

Paula Martin:  Making the Mosaic

“It shouldn’t be this hard!” (And Other Lies We Tell About Marriage)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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"It shouldn't be this hard" and other lies about marriage.Far from the first time, he turned to me in the middle of a session and said, “See? It just shouldn’t be this hard.  That is why I know this marriage is wrong.  If it were right, we wouldn’t struggle like this.”

I had to admit… they were struggling.  It was difficult.  BUT, the struggle did not prove the marriage was wrong.  It did demonstrate that the way they were interacting was not good for the relationship (or for either of the two people in my office).

What it did not prove was that the marriage was wrong.

Quick stat.  Do you have any idea what percent of marriages have difficulties and struggles?

Here is the answer… if you haven’t guessed:  100%

Yep.  All of them.

Somewhere around 50% figure out how to move through the struggle or stick it out, in spite of the struggle.

That’s just one of the lies we tell about marriages.  Not that people mean to lie.  They just say what they believe… which is a lie (or based on a lie).  Let me tell you four of the bigger lies people tell (themselves) in this episode of the podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Why It Matters
Feel Like Quitting
Myths of Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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3 Ways To Absolutely Guarantee Marital Therapy Will Fail
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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3 ways to absolutely guarantee marital therapy will fail.There it is, right on my website:  marital therapy is not particularly effective.  And yet, people often contact me to ask, “Where can I get therapy?”

Why?

Because our culture is psychologized and therapized, for good or bad.

So let me be crystal clear:  I am NOT across-the-board opposed to marital therapy.  There are excellent therapists out there.  And there are excellent approaches out there.

It just isn’t guaranteed that you will find the right therapist, or that you and your spouse will approach therapy in a way that will be effective.

Which is the two parts of the problem:  Therapist issues and client issues.

This week, I want to discuss 3 ways to really guarantee that your marriage therapy will fail.  One is all about the therapist you choose.  Two ways are about how you use the therapy.

And here is the super-cool thing:  if you know these 3 ways to absolutely guarantee failure… you can avoid them!  Then, therapy (if you so choose it) has a chance of helping… and not harming… your relationship.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Problems with Marital Therapy
10 Myths of Marital Therapy
When Do You Need Coaching?
No-Therapy Approach To Marriage Problem

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Confession — I have to admit to this. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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This is Lee Baucom, and I need to make a confession. . .Every now and then, I get an angry email or phone call.  But this one. . .

He started out nice enough:  “Are you the guy that has that save your marriage system online?”

“Yes.  Can I help you?”

“So,” he continued, “you are the one who claims to have helped people around the world?”

I noticed his voice was a bit more. . . pressured. . . angry.

“Umm.  Yes, that would be me.”

“Well,” his voice was just below a yell, “I bet you have never saved a marriage in your life!  I bet you haven’t even saved one single marriage in your life!”

We “chatted” for a bit longer.  But he was convinced. . . I was a fake, a fraud.

I thought about it for a bit.

And I decided I needed to make a confession.  I can’t live with myself anymore.  I do have to admit to this.  So, I just decided to record it.  Just so I am clear with everyone.

Listen to my confession below.

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