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marriage advice

Save The Marriage Video: I Thought Everything Was OK! What Happened?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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A marriage crisis can rear-end you!  You feel like you didn’t see it coming.  At least weekly, I hear from someone telling me that they knew their marriage was not going as well as they would like, but they thought it was temporary.  Maybe they expected that once the kids were grown, there would be time for the marriage.  Or perhaps they thought that once their jobs were secure, or they were promoted, or. . . .

Fact is, marriages can fall apart, and one or the other spouse doesn’t see it coming, making you wonder “can this marriage be saved?” or “can I save my marriage?”

Start by learning what happened in this video.

Save The Marriage Video: Will A Midlife Crisis End My Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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So, we have a basic understanding now of what a midlife crisis really is.  But that only creates another question:  will it end your marriage?  Can the marriage be saved in the midst of a crisis?  The answer will be a challenge, but can lead to transformation of the marriage, if you heed advice on your marriage.  Stop your divorce that a midlife crisis is creating.  Watch the video.

Save The Marriage Video: I Think My Spouse Is Having An Affair!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Can a marriage be saved?  There are many variables in that, one being infidelity.  That does NOT mean that an affair will end a marriage.  But it does add a complication.  So if you are wondering “can this marriage be saved?” and are suspecting your spouse is being unfaithful, what do you need to know?  Get the marriage advice you need if you think your spouse is being unfaithful.

And HERE IS THE LINK to my book, Recovering From Infidelity

Video: Why Do Affairs Happen?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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If your marriage has suffered infidelity, you may be wondering how you can save your marriage, and how you can even recover.  Time to educate yourself!  If you don’t know what causes an affair, it will be difficult for you to find the way back to your marriage.  More than that, your marriage will continue to be at risk.  Start saving your marriage after an affair by watching this video.

And HERE IS THE LINK to my book, Recovering From Infidelity

Video: Are We Just Too Different?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Every couple has there differences between them.  Thank goodness we are not carbon copies!  But when there are marriage problems, is it possible that two people are just too different to make it work?  Is it possible to just be so different that saving your marriage is impossible?

We explore this question in this video.

Video: When Is A Marriage Too Far Gone?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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So, you are working to save your marriage, perhaps alone.  And you begin to wonder, “is this just too far gone?”  It is a common concern, full of emotion.  Frightening to consider.  But let’s consider it.  This video will help you decide whether it is too late to save your marriage and stop a divorce.

Video: Can This Marriage Be Saved?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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For anyone asking the question, “Can this marriage be saved,” today’s video will help you determine that.  Too much marriage advice jumps in with suggestions.  I want to help you understand why you are here, and what can be done.  Then we can talk about what to do!

So, watch today’s video to help you decide if you can save your marriage.

Video: Why Do Marriages Fail?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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People often start with the question “can this marriage be saved?”  Let me suggest that first, you need to understand why marriages fail.  We will  be examining this in the first video.

If you are ready to start saving your marriage, please watch the video so you will understand what happens to a marriage.

 

“Can This Marriage Be Saved?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Wow!  Doesn’t that question just get to the heart of the matter?  I just got off the phone with “Gina.”  Those were the first words out of her mouth, “Can this marriage be saved?”  She continued, “I want to save my marriage, but I don’t know whether I can.”

I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell Gina.  Her husband had started legal proceedings, but she wanted to stop the divorce.  She wanted two things from me.  First, she wanted marriage advice, but she also wanted to know if it was even possible to save her marriage.

The thing is, sometimes I see marriages that I think “there is no way this marriage will be saved,” but it survives!  But sometimes, I can see no real reason why the marriage can not be saved, and the divorce can’t be stopped.  The tough part of this is that there is another person who can still choose to act, no matter what one person might do.

So I asked Gina to tell me more about her marriage, trying to help answer the question of “can my marriage be saved.”  Gina told me that there had been unfaithfulness.  She also told me they were separated.  Then she told me that there had been no intimacy in over 6 years.  Then she added that they had separate finances.  And then she continued to tell me more and more division points in their relationship.

And that is when I know that we have a real struggle on our hands.  I guess it should be self-apparent, but the more issues there are in the way, the more points of separation, the harder it is to pull it back together again.  Sometimes, the shattering is just too great.

But Gina was ready for the tough times!

She had decided, when she asked the question, “can this marriage be saved?” that my answer did not matter.  As she told me in the midst of our discussion, “I WILL save my marriage.”  There was some real spunk there!

I warned Gina that her desire to save it might waver.  I suggested that she right down her commitment to try and save her marriage, and to make a list of why she was doing it.  The list would serve her well when she had doubts.  It gave her an opportunity to remind herself about why she was doing what she was doing.

I tried to provide the marriage advice she needed to save her marriage, if it were possible.  I don’t know if she can save her marriage.  I do know this:   if she does not try, there is no hope!  At the end, regardless of the outcome, she can look in the mirror and say “I did all I could to save my marriage and stop a divorce!”

Bravo, Gina!

I Am Sore and Tired (And What That Has To Do With Saving Your Marriage!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I admit it!  I am tired.  I am sore.  I have discovered muscles I didn’t know I had, and ones I didn’t know could hurt!

Here’s the thing:  for years, I have been a trail runner.  I love being in the woods, seeing the changing seasons, and running with my Yellow Lab, Sunny.  We have  a blast!

But then, winter hit.  It was cold, but worse, it was wet — very wet!  And it never stayed cold enough to freeze the ground.  And it seemed that on every running day, it rained.  Well, as much as I love running, I am not so fond of bathing my 110 pound dog. . . and he is not so fond of being bathed!

End result?  I kept putting off another run. . . until suddenly a few months had passed and I had not hit the trails.  The end result for me?  I got out of shape.

So, fast-forward to last week.  I decided enough was enough, and I started exercising again.  I got a plan, and I started on it.  I knew there would be a price. . . pain and discomfort.  Sure enough, the next morning after day one, I was a bit sore.  By that night, I hurt!  exercise

But guess what I did on day 2?  I exercised.  Day 3?  New muscle pain.  I exercised.  Day 4, I had to get up an hour earlier to get in my exercise, but I did.  Same thing on day 5, 6, and 7.  In fact, that is my intention.  To get up an hour earlier, if necessary, and get in my exercise time.

I have to admit — when the alarm goes off, I have to argue with myself.  The bed is warm, the house is quiet, and I could easily grab another hour of sleep. . . but I don’t.  Because I made a commitment to myself, and I intend on keeping it.  As my wife reminds me, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

So. . . what, you might wonder, does this have to do with your marriage (and saving it)?

Most people who come to me have not taken the best care of their marriage relationship.  Perhaps life got in the way — or fear, or anxiety, or anger, or just not realizing you needed to.

The marriage got “flabby,” out of shape, inflexible, and weak.  Sound familiar?

So, you decide to get that marriage back into shape.  Guess what?  It is not going to be easy.  You will feel pain in places you didn’t know you had.  You will discover things about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship, that you never knew before.

Oh, and did I say that after a week of exercising, I am not yet in peak shape?  I know — I looked in the mirror!  Frustrating as it may be, once you get out of shape, it takes both effort and time (in fact, sustained effort over time) to get to where you want to be).

Same is true for your relationship.  It takes time and effort.  It means refusing to get discouraged.  It requires you to make a plan, then stick with it, regardless of how you are feeling!  Remember, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

When it doesn’t feel like you are making headway.  When another obstacle gets in your way.  When you just can’t quite get there.  That is when you dig in, keep getting up, and keep moving forward.

So, to quickly recap:

1)  This ain’t easy work.

2)  But make a plan.

3)  Stick with it:  “Consult your plan, not your feelings.”

4)  Reap the benefits.

Now, a reality check:  sometimes, people get so out of shape — let their bodies get to such a point of disrepair — that exercise can be deadly.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true in a marriage.  Sometimes, the relationship has deteriorated too far.  The damage is too great.  The marriage might finally heave a final breath.  The marriage might end.

Problem is, you can never tell whether this is the case or not.  Some people who look like they are on the verge of death begin exercising and come back to life.  The same is true for marriages.

How can you tell?  Try getting your relationship back to life.  The worst thing that happens is you look in the mirror and say “I did my best.”  But the best thing that could happen?  You could save your marriage!