Marriage After Romance – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Love Isn’t (Only) Romantic

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 6, 2020 May 5, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 6, 2020

“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”

Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?

Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal.

For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.

Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus.

Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.

I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Don’t Blame Valentine!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 14, 2018

Let me just say, from the outset, I AM a fan of romance.

That said, I DON’T like when “romantic feelings” are used as the yardstick for a marriage. If you are dating someone and have no romantic feelings, ever, that is a reason for concern. If you have been married for awhile and are not feeling the romance… that is something to work on. Not a reason to walk away.

Which brings us to the last couple of days. Today (the day this episode comes out) is Valentine’s Day. According to tradition, it honors a priest, Valentine. During the reign of Emperor Claudius II in third century Rome, Valentine disobeyed the emperor. Claudius had decided that young single men made good soldiers. Not so good when attached to a love. So, he forbade marriage.

But Valentine persisted in marrying young couples in love. And according to tradition, he paid the price of disobeying with his life.

There are other twists and turns to the history of Valentine’s day. But the fact remains that the day is in honor of St. Valentine.

Which is the point I think we miss. He stood for marriage. Not just romance. Marriage. He didn’t condone love. He supported marriage. He married those in love. It was not him trying to get people to fall in love. He was marrying those in love.

Why does that matter?

Because of how we have elevated the feeling of being “in love.” Otherwise known as infatuation. An unsustainable rush of excitement and adrenaline that acts like obsession and addiction. But has somehow become the yardstick of a successful marriage.