Posts Tagged :

marriage podcast

How to be the Bigger Victim
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to be a bigger victim.  Beat your spouse to the bottom… or end the victim game.Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.

Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.

Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse….

It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES
NMF Syndrome
How NOT to Save Your Marriage
Being on the Same Team
Save The Marriage System

Escaping the Attraction – breaking free from the affair partner
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How to escape the attraction with an affair partner, so you can heal your marriage and find the connection you want and crave.Another listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it.  What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner?

What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be?  What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse?

Or what if these are the questions of your spouse?  That your spouse is trying to break free, but keeps falling back into the thoughts (and arms) of the affair partner?

How do you break free?

Can you break free?

You can.  And your marriage can be filled with the connection you were missing.

How?

Listen in to this week’s episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Recovering From The Affair Book
Affair Recovery Resources
The Importance of Connection
Save The Marriage System

The Differences Between Happy and Hurting Marriages
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

What is the difference between a happy and a hurting marriage?  4 differences that don’t matter and 4 that do.Marriages start at the same place:  two people in love, ready to face the world together.  And most believe they have already beaten the odds.  Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting.  It won’t fall apart like those other marriages.  They have already won.

Except they haven’t.

Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive.  But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting.

And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting.

Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting.  What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t.

Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter.  And here is what is important:  they can be changed.  Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy.  They are learnable skills, once identified.

Listen below for the 4 differences that don’t matter and the 4 differences that do.  They make the difference between happy and hurting.

RELATED RESOURCES:
The Power of Commitment
The Importance of Connection
What About Communication?
The Save The Marriage System

Service or Repair?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

It it time for relationship service or repair?  Does your marriage need some help or an overhaul?My car is in for service.  Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background.  But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home.  Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up.

It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed).  But there were other cars there for repairs.

Which had me thinking….

What does service mean for a relationship?  How about repair for a marriage?

The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit.  If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down.  But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown.

Let’s be fair:  even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair.  But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car).

Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown.  And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Importance of Connection
3 Steps to Saving Your Marriage
Dangers of Therapy
Grab the Save The Marriage System

How to Deepen Your Connection
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How do you deepen the connection in your marriage?The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling:  “We are just not connected.”  The #1 reason why marriages end up failing:  “We are just too disconnected.”

What happened?  That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go?

I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected:  life gets in the way.  Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way.  They hit the “pause button” on the relationship.  Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons.

They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button.  Either your relationship is growing or receding.  There is no pause.

Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect.  Then, reconnecting seems so hard.  It is pushing against the inertia created.  It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line.  The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline.

How DO you deepen your connection? That is the topic on this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss the 3 levels of connection, and why it is so easy at the beginning… and then gets hard.  I also note the 2 characteristics you need in order to build the connection between you and your spouse.

And then, I introduce you to a couple who have created a fun way to build connection with your spouse.  Don’t miss that discussion!

 

RELATED RESOURCES
BetterTopics.com
Kickstarter Project
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps (I cover the 3 levels of connection)
The Importance of Connection
Pause Button Marriage
Why Pause is So Bad

Focused On The Wrong Things?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Are you focused on the right or wrong things in your efforts to save your marriage?  Most people focus on the wrong things — and stay stuck.  Focus on the 3 things I note in this podcast in order to save your marriage.At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.

And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.

Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.

That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.

“Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction.”
Kenichi Ohmae

There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.

Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Connection Matters
3 Levels of Connection
Dealing with Infidelity
Save The Marriage System

Love Isn’t (Only) Romantic
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

What does it mean if the passion and romance are missing?  Does that mean the love is gone?  Covered in this episode of Save The Marriage Podcast.“Our marriage is broken,” she told me.  “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”

Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?

Most relationships are sparked by infatuation.  Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage.  It is, though, not the goal.

For most, that part of a relationship is a stage.  It naturally cools over time.  This is just the nature of an attraction.  It tempers over time.  Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.

Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside?  Not at all.  You just can’t count on it as the focus.

Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance.  The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.

I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Love Is Not Effortless
Does Romance Kill A Relationship?
Where DID Those Feelings Go?
Save The Marriage System

Quarantined Together or Apart
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dealing with a marriage crisis in the midst of quarantine and pandemic.If a marriage crisis was not enough to deal with… now we have a pandemic.  And if that was not enough, we are self-isolating.  The pandemic isn’t anything we can control.  Self-isolating is best for ourselves and others.

What, though, does that mean about your marriage crisis?  How do you deal with that?  In the midst of the pandemic?  And while self-isolating.

That breaks down into 4 different groups:  Isolating together but working alone, isolating together and working together, isolating apart and working alone, and isolating apart but working together.  Each has some nuances that need your attention.

I cover some recommendations for each group, and explain why it makes a difference.

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Coping with COVID series
Understanding Space
Levels of Intimacy
Save The Marriage System

Finding the Energy – Continuing your Efforts
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

“I don’t have the energy to save my marriage.  What can I do to save my marriage?"“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage.  Besides, what is the point?”

Let’s face it:  right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained.  And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up.  Much less when everything feels upside down!

Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down?  Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any?

There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy.

More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.”  Make a shift… then save your marriage.

I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Self-Care Series
Dealing with Fear
Having a Plan
Simplify your Efforts
Save The Marriage System

Proving Your Perception (is dangerous)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Why it is dangerous to try and prove your perception to a spouse… and what to do instead.I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.”  Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.

Then why are they stuck in conflict?  Why are they disconnected?  Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?

Perceptions.  About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.

And because they have decided to prove their perception to their spouse.  That is very dangerous.  Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.

There are 2 underlying issues that affect this:  being a WE and being connected.  How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you?  When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception.  More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.

How do you solve it?

We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Dimensions of Connection
All About Being A WE
Role of Conflict
Healing Disconnection
Save The Marriage System