Save Marriage Alone – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

“I Saved My Marriage!”

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg December 9, 2020 December 7, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 9, 2020

Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage. You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that: Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

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When Your Plan Hits a Wall

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 21, 2020

Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.

Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall.

First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success.

Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed.

But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams. Unnecessarily.

So let me say it again: just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved. It means your plan hit a wall. Time to adjust and shift. Time to process. Time to find clarity.

But it doesn’t have to be time to quit.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up! Listen below.

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5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 16, 2020

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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FACT of Your Crisis: How to Face Your Crisis and Move Forward

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 26, 2020

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

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The 4th C

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 31, 2018

Over the years, I developed some direct and simple ways to save your marriage (simple is not the same as easy — it still takes effort!). One piece of my approach was what I called “The 3 C’s” — being Calm, Constant, and Consistent.

These “3 C’s” aren’t really about what you do, but how you do it… how you carry out your plan (something I discuss in my System and share with my VIP members in a “fill-in-the-blank plan”).

Over the years, those 3 C’s have been a mantra for my clients… the reminder that keeps them moving in helpful ways when panic is pulling at them. This mantra keeps the process moving in productive ways, creating profound changes in the relationship.

Many times, those 3 C’s are the difference between a plan working and failing, between successfully saving a marriage and failure.

Last week, one of the members of my VIP group noted that she needed to add a 4th C. And then, she pointed out what should have been obvious… there IS a 4th C! And it is something I have discussed before… but failed to include as an important (and daily) C in the process.

That 4th C? Courage.

In this week’s podcast episode, I cover the first 3 C’s, then tell you how that 4th C fits into your efforts. Here’s how you work your plan… be sure and listen in!

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4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts… And Don’t Need To

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 22, 2018

You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM! You hit a wall.

A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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5 Reasons Your Marriage Isn’t Turning Around

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 7, 2018

I often get emails and phone calls asking, “Why isn’t my marriage turning around? Why aren’t things improving?”

My first assessment is to see how long they have been trying. (I heard from a guy that told me he had spent the afternoon on the marriage, and it was no different!) Sometimes, the timeframe is too short. But sometimes, the efforts have gone along for awhile.

Next, I ask how long the crisis has been going on. Generally, it has been going on longer than the person thinks. They just didn’t know it was in trouble.

After that, the primary reasons why a marriage hasn’t turned (yet) fit within 5 categories.

Your strategy changes, depending upon which category your marriage (or more accurately, your spouse’s response) fits into.

If you can identify the category, you can choose your response for that particular category.

Let’s go through the categories in this episode of the podcast and see if we can plot a course that turns things around.

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Desire Versus Decide

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 20, 2017

“I just don’t feel it,” two people told me this week. One didn’t feel like following the plan to save their marriage. The other didn’t feel it for the spouse. One wanted to save the marriage. The other didn’t. Both were motivated by desire (or lack of desire).

Here’s the problem: desire is fickle. To say the least. Even in a strong marriage, desire for each other can ebb and flow. And even the best of us struggle with the desire to do things: exercise, eat well, clean the house, go to work, etc., etc., etc.

Which is the problem with letting “desire” be the measurement of taking action.

Is there another way?

Glad you asked! Yes there is.

It’s a word I particularly like. Decide.

“Desire” is based in an emotional state. “Decide” is a rational choice. It supercedes an emotional state. And it generally is the only reliable way we make progress in any area of life. If I wait for desire, the chances over time of desire showing up — they just keep going down. If I decide to act, I take back full responsibility for my actions.

Has desire been your motivation and measurement (or lack of motivation and measurement)? If so, let’s discuss the alternative.

RELATED RESOURCE
Go Pro
Have A Plan
Why It Matters
System To Follow

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One Question That Can Destroy Any Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 13, 2017

There are some questions that can help a marriage. There are many thoughts that can improve your relationship.

But there is one question that will suck the life right out of a marriage. And it is a question you don’t even need to ask another person, in order to do the damage.

In fact, another person won’t make a difference for this question. It is a question lurking within you.

Oh, and did I mention that another question, similar to this question — but very different in direction — can help restore a relationship?

Change the question, change the frame. Get stuck on the question, get stuck in a downward spiral. It’s up to you. . . once you know the question.

Which one are you asking?

(Need some help with your marriage? Grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.)

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How Limiting Beliefs Limit Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 30, 2017

It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.

I say IF you have limited beliefs.

Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don’t notice them. And we pay a price for that.

Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.

Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage?

I’m betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us.

Here’s the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them

Listen below for this week’s podcast.

(Here is the resource that has a whole section on changing limiting beliefs — I wrote it. FIND IT RIGHT HERE.)

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