save marriage podcast – Page 6 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

“I Saved My Marriage!”

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg December 9, 2020 December 7, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 9, 2020

Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.

When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.

And things continue in the downward spiral.

So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination — a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.

Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage. You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward — even in the face of frustration and difficulties.

In today’s podcast, we reflect on “what you did” to save your marriage — and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that: Save Your Marriage.

Listen below.

(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

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Rewriting the Past

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 2, 2020

Sounds so philosophical, doesn’t it? Your “created past.” What is that?

We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.

When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.

We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.

If you are wondering why your spouse can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.

Let’s talk more about this in the podcast below:

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Marriage Lie #5: Your Spouse Should Make You Happy

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 25, 2020

You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy.

No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe it. That a spouse should make you happy.

Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse. They should make you happy.

There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible!

You can’t make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy.

Sure, you can certainly make each other miserable. But happy? Nope. Not possible.

Even if you thought you made each other happy before. Sure, you may have been happy. And your relationship may have seemed to be a source of joy. But your spouse couldn’t and didn’t make you happy (nor could/did you make your spouse happy).

It is an impossibility. But it is one of the major lies people believe about marriage.

Which is why people are in trouble when they realize that a spouse is not making them happy. Instead of seeing it for what it is… a lie… they think it is a failure of the spouse — even of the marriage! Proof that the marriage is headed for failure.

Except, it was all a lie. Not the marriage! The belief that a spouse would make you happy (and vice versa).

Don’t believe the lie! Learn the truth in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Marriage Lie #4: Marriage is 50 / 50

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 18, 2020

Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right?

Right??

Nope. Just another marriage lie.

Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed. So, actions are taken on a false belief.

For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal partnership… and you decide your spouse is not putting in their 50, then you have reason for upset. Reason for demands. Reason for feeling taken advantage of.

Here is the TL;DR: marriage is NOT 50/50. It is all in/all in.

But to understand more about why marriage is not 50/50… and to discover what it really is… and how that changes things, listen to the episode below.

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Marriage Lie #1: “If It’s Work, It’s Wrong”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 28, 2020

“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?”

He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave.

I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!”

He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes to prove me wrong.”

This wasn’t the only time I have encountered this lie. And let me be fair: he wasn’t meaning to lie to me. But he was. In reality, though, he was repeating a lie he believed. There is nothing so dangerous as a lie that we believe, but is entirely false!

My client was ready to leave his marriage because he believed the lie.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I start a series on the Lies of Marriage. These lies are things people believe (and act on, because they believe them) that are false, untrue… a lie. But when they take on a life of their own, they unnecessarily destroy marriages.

In this first episode, I tackle the lie, “If you have to work on it, the marriage is wrong.”

Listen below.

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When Your Plan Hits a Wall

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 21, 2020

Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.

Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall.

First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success.

Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed.

But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams. Unnecessarily.

So let me say it again: just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved. It means your plan hit a wall. Time to adjust and shift. Time to process. Time to find clarity.

But it doesn’t have to be time to quit.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up! Listen below.

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What About Love?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 7, 2020

A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.

I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?”

And there is the root of the problem. We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia. And we are still trying.

More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to. It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for.

And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I talk the question, “What About Love?” Where does it fit into your efforts to save your marriage? Where does it fit into any marriage?

Listen in below.

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5 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 16, 2020

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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The Choice…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 8, 2020

“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….

I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer.

My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)

To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner. Is it worth it?

That was her choice. The Choice. To work on it or to walk away.

Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… summer is over, school is starting back (whether virtual or in-person), the pandemic is wearing on, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!

Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.

Which leads to the choice. Work on it or walk away?

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When You Can’t Make Your Spouse Happy

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 2, 2020

Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.

But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy.

Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy.

Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy?

Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail. We discuss what you can control and what you can’t. And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts.

Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead.

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