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Save My Marriage Lee Baucom

Desire Versus Decide
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Saving your marriage? Don't focus on desire. Decide.“I just don’t feel it,” two people told me this week.  One didn’t feel like following the plan to save their marriage.  The other didn’t feel it for the spouse.  One wanted to save the marriage.  The other didn’t.  Both were motivated by desire (or lack of desire).

Here’s the problem:  desire is fickle.  To say the least.  Even in a strong marriage, desire for each other can ebb and flow.  And even the best of us struggle with the desire to do things:  exercise, eat well, clean the house, go to work, etc., etc., etc.

Which is the problem with letting “desire” be the measurement of taking action.

Is there another way?

Glad you asked!  Yes there is.

It’s a word I particularly like.  Decide.

“Desire” is based in an emotional state.  “Decide” is a rational choice.  It supercedes an emotional state. And it generally is the only reliable way we make progress in any area of life.  If I wait for desire, the chances over time of desire showing up — they just keep going down.  If I decide to act, I take back full responsibility for my actions.

Has desire been your motivation and measurement (or lack of motivation and measurement)?  If so, let’s discuss the alternative.

RELATED RESOURCE
Go Pro
Have A Plan
Why It Matters
System To Follow

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How Limiting Beliefs Limit Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are limiting beliefs limiting your marriage? Yep. Listen to the podcast to learn more.It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it?  If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.

I say IF you have limited beliefs.

Full disclosure:  We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us.  We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs.  We just don’t notice them.  And we pay a price for that.

Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.

Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage?

I’m betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us.

Here’s the good news:  you can change your limiting beliefs.  Once you know what they are.  And decide to change them

Listen below for this week’s podcast.

(Here is the resource that has a whole section on changing limiting beliefs — I wrote it.  FIND IT RIGHT HERE.)

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A Swiss Cheese Approach To Marriage Crisis
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What swiss cheese has to do with your marriage: multiple causation theory.It may be an odd preoccupation, but I pour over the scuba accident reports.  I like to see how the accidents happened, what led to the accident, and how it might have been prevented.

The same approach is taken to studying scuba accidents as is applied to airline accident and medical accidents.  And it should be applied to marriage crises.

There’s a theory of accidents in systems that is called the “Swiss Cheese Theory of Accidents.”  Another description would be “multiple causations in spite of prevention systems.”  Imagine a bunch of slices of swiss cheese.  Usually, a slice with holes in it won’t line the holes up with another slice.  If you stack them together, there are no holes all the way through the stack.

But if the holes line up, something could pass right through.  Something like an accident.

In scuba, aviation, medical, and industrial fields, there are multiple checks and balances in place (slices of cheese) to keep an accident from happening.

Marriages also have these safety zones:  love, priorities, attention, affection, boundaries, communication, etc.  The bigger the hole in each system, the bigger the chance that the holes match up.  And the bigger the chance of a marriage crisis.

To put it simply, there are multiple causations that go into a marriage crisis.  To go a bit deeper, listen to my podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Another Podcast On This Theory
Importance of Connection
Importance of Boundaries
System To Save Your Marriage

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