save the marriage system – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Helping or Hurting??

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 4, 2023 January 3, 2023

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 4, 2023

You’ve been working on saving your marriage… and you aren’t seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn’t moving as fast as you would like.

Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.

But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?

Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?

Yes.

There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone’s efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.

More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.

So, let’s talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

A-ha Moment or Slow Turn-Around?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 14, 2022

You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/)

Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making.

Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship?

It is a great question. And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast.

And I did! I cover it on this week’s episode.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 16, 2022

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?

Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.

What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved.

Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.

But….

And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling.

In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support.

So, what now?

Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Stuck in Questioning??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 28, 2022

Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?

That is often very normal.

To a degree.

It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time. That is just what our brain does. It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass. Which ones you LET pass.

And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT.

And then, there is a third category. When those thoughts become obsessive. When they keep you stuck. There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way of jumping into thinking about thoughts. When does it matter and what can you do about it?

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Thinking about Thoughts
Relying on Commitment
Save The Marriage System
My Books

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Mistakes Were Made (Now What?)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 21, 2022

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??

We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.

And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful. Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).

So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do. I cover questions from two T’s. Different questions, it would seem. But at their core, they are very similar. So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.

And they WILL be made!

Listen to the episode below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Taking Back the Hurt

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 31, 2022

We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.

Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife.”

I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation). And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship.”

As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R. It may very well apply to YOU!

(Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.)

You can listen to the episode below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Limiting Beliefs Blocking Your Spouse

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 4, 2022

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Can a Marriage Turn Around Quickly?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2022

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around… for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???

I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.

That doesn’t mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.

Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight?

It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don’t).

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

3 Steps to Better Communication

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 30, 2022

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.

But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It’s just that most people express themselves fairly well.

For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.

Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.

In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication — communication that leads to connection!

Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

5 Factors of Success

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2022

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can’t guarantee that.

But I DO think there is a “reverse” guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can’t do that.

What I try to do, instead, is “stack the deck” in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect.

Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying “a little of this, a little of that.” You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings.

But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your “hand” you are playing.

One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can’t see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship.

What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS