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How To Save Your Marriage: Control, Boundaries & Standards — The Conversation Continues!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How To Save Your Marriage In my last post, I talked about controlling behavior. Evidently, this hit a nerve. I received a number of emails that asked me to explain what I meant by “controlling behavior.” Several emails asked me for specific examples, and others told me that they were not the controlling ones, but their spouse was. Clearly, controlling behavior is an issue in many marriages.

So, I wanted to follow-up in this post by looking at controlling behavior, boundaries, and personal standards. I wanted to clarify some of what I was saying in the last post on controlling behavior, then extended and expand on standards and boundaries.

I remember, a number of years back, when I first encountered this controlled/controlling behavior with a couple in my office. Every answer the man gave, he looked to his wife to see if it was okay. He crossed his legs, and she nudged him that he was not sitting well. His tie was flipped up, and she straightened it out. He told a story, and she corrected everything he said. Fairly quickly, I realized that this was a pattern that they both had established, that had at some point served them well, but was at the end of its capacity to lead them through this marriage. The man had realized that he had an opinion. The woman was tired of being responsible for everything.

This is just one example of controlling behavior, but at the extreme. Lots of controlling behavior takes place in less obvious ways. The underlying dynamic is, however, the same.

A marriage requires two ingredients for it to be successful and healthy. First, there must be a strong relationship. By strong relationship, I don’t mean that the couple always has to spend every waking moment together. But, they have a connection that sustains both of them and boundaries in place to protect the relationship when the connection falls.

A marriage also requires two individuals, each with a strong sense of self. I don’t mean a strong personality, an overwhelming personality, or big personality. In fact, these are often symptoms of a lack of self; it is someone trying to appear as if they have a sense of self, by projecting something bigger into the world.

What I mean by a strong sense of self is an awareness of the self. They are aware of how they are thinking, feeling, and acting in the world. Also, they have a sense of growing, of developing, and of becoming more and more of who they are. Whenever somebody tells me that they don’t have any room to grow, I know they are in trouble. We all have places of growth. The nature of life is to always be growing and developing. People with a strong sense of self are okay with this fact, and know they will continue to change over the years.

People with a strong sense of self also have a sense of direction, of a place they are headed in life.  In other words, they are not stagnant, but have a sense of direction and growth in their own lives.

Controlling behavior comes from a weak sense of self, in the midst of a weak relationship, where the connection is not trusted.  Also, controlling behavior is based in a place of shame and fear.  It is something we bring with us from the family in which we grew up.  Shame-based families create people who either control or let others control them.

As I said in my previous post, controlling behavior is always about fear: that you will not get what you need or want in life. This controlling behavior is on a continuum. The continuum stretches from allowing others to control us to controlling everyone else. Predictably, in the middle is the point of health.

Controlling behavior is about having it “my way,” and micromanaging those around us. We may micromanage our spouse, our children, our coworkers, and our life situation. In the process, we nullify the other person. We decide that we know what is best, and that the other person does not. Controlling behavior is based on the belief that the controller’s way is the better way, the correct way.  If that was not believed, on some level, it would not be controlled.

In fact, I would argue that people who control really do believe they do it for the best — of themselves and others.  They are not out to just be the one in charge, but truly believe they have the necessary answer and direction.  Unfortunately, it comes at a disregard for others.

Some people asked me to give specific examples of controlling behavior. I hesitate to do this, because this will become the yardstick. Some people will say, “see, I don’t do that, so I’m not being controlling.”  Controlling behavior comes in so many shades and types that just a few examples will not cover the spectrum.

However, there are some common places in a marriage where this happens. For example, often, controlling behavior arises around money. One person makes all of the financial decisions, decides how to pay the bills, decides how to invest the money, and decides how much somebody gets to spend on anything. Money is merely the means of control, not about the control. Control around money issues is rooted in the fear about money. It may be rooted in not having enough money, or in not trusting that the other person will make good, sound financial decisions. But whatever the cause, it’s based in fear.

Controlling behavior often shows itself in a marriage around the issue of sex:  when to have sex, how to have sex, when not to have sex, are all examples of controlling behavior around sex. Sometimes, sex is used as a reward for good behavior, and a punishment for “bad behavior.” In other words, if things don’t go the way one person wants, the other person is not going to have sex with them. This ends up controlling the sexual relationship between the couple.

Notice that sex and money are two primary places where couples can play out a sense of WE, or get stuck in a pattern of playing you/me.  In other words, controlling behavior can often be found in the very areas where they could most connect as a couple.

For another example, sometimes controlling behavior takes place around the issue of parenting. One person deems their way of parenting as the “correct way” and the other person does it incorrectly. This undermines the parenting of both parents, but particularly the parent with the “incorrect” way of parenting. Similarly, many couples find controlling behavior in the household duties. One person is convinced that they know the correct way of carrying out the duties of the household. This always leaves the other person as having the incorrect way.

Behind all of these areas, there is a common theme of criticism from the one who believes they have the right way. The method of chastising the other person is through criticism, or correcting, or doing it over.

This brings us to very important point: controlling behavior is based in shame. It is based in fearing how we will be perceived, about appearances. This is learned behavior, and it comes from families where there is perfectionism, blame, and reactivity. Unfortunately, when there is controlling behavior, the same traits are passed on to the next generation. People learn they have to do things perfectly, or they will be rejected. They learn that any shortcomings will not merely be mistakes, but will cause blame.  The way these two lessons are learned is through emotional reactivity. In other words, somebody gets upset, angry, or has some other strong emotional reaction. This is internalized, and the person feels that they have missed the mark, and are blamed for it.
This is why I said earlier that while it looks like the person who is controlling has a strong sense of self, controlling behavior actually comes from the very weak sense of self. While someone may act self-assured, beneath the surface, he or she is afraid of how the world will view and judge him or her. It’s about appearances. Correctness or wrongness, perfection or imperfection, are all fears from a weak sense of self.

Usually, the person who is controlling has also either lost a sense of boundaries or misunderstands them.

So, to clarify, let’s talk for a minute about standards and boundaries. A standard is what I expect of myself. A boundary is what I will not let happen to me.

Standards are something that only you can own. It is yours to keep. It is not something you can give to anyone else. You can try to teach it, but you can’t make somebody have your standard. I say this from a purely practical perspective, not philosophical. For example, I may hold as a standard that I will be honest with people around me. Whether I do that or not is irrelevant. That can be my standard. I can have a standard that I will be honest, but I cannot transfer that to anyone else.

For example, I may say that I’ll be honest with everyone else, and do that. I may never tell a lie, stretch the truth, or  misrepresent. That would be my standard. And I may have a boundary that if somebody lies to me, they cannot stay in my life. That would be a boundary. But I cannot enforce that somebody else has to be honest with everyone around them. That is impossible for me to monitor. So a standard is something that I hold for myself. A boundary is what I will not let happen to me.

I like to think of a boundary very much like a fence in my backyard. If I have a normal-sized fence, one that comes up to my waist, it just marks my space. People can cross the fence, but if they do, I can walk outside and tell them that they are on my property. They would know that, because I have a fence line. It doesn’t keep them out, but I can send them to the other side of the fence. The reason I like this analogy is because it points to the fact that boundaries are about what people do towards us. Not how they act in general, but how they move towards me. Usually, there is some aggressive side to a boundary violation. Somebody who crosses a fence to get into my property has chosen to come into my space that is clearly marked. It’s the same with personal boundaries.  Somebody has moved against us, towards us in an aggressive way.

This is important, because when this is confused, we can interact in controlling ways, thinking that we were just protecting our boundaries. For instance, I had someone who wrote me to tell me that her spouse was violating her boundary. In the middle of a conversation, he would walk away. When he walked away, it shut down the conversation. She felt like this was a boundary violation, and was trying to figure out how to enforce the boundaries of making him talk to her. If she had done this — forced him to talk, I would say that she had moved to controlling behavior. He was moving away from her, as is his right as a person. We all have the choice, helpful or unhelpful, to have a conversation or avoid a conversation.

My suggestion was for her to not try to force him to talk with her at that point, nor try to make it into a boundary issue.  Instead, I suggested that she let him leave. She might understand that at this point, he felt the need for space, and was perhaps overwhelmed with the conversation. In other words, trying to continue the conversation would not just be useless, but counterproductive. It would likely devolve into an argument or an angry discussion. Instead, I suggested that she follow-up with him a little while later, saying “hey, I need about 10 more minutes of your time to finish up that last conversation.” This would give him some time to cool off, and when said in a neutral tone, was an invitation to continue the conversation.

It might be said that the man, in this case, would also being  acting controlling by walking away and refusing to talk. I would guess that over the years, they had developed the pattern where this happened repeatedly. So, when the man controlled the situation by walking away, it was rewarded with the fact that the issue at the heart of the conversation was left to die.

This makes another important point. Controlling behavior is often unwittingly reinforced. When one person tries to control, and the other person lets them, it rewards the behavior. Since controlling behavior is based in fear, it is used to control things that make someone feel fearful, as a way of trying to feel more secure and less fearful. When this is reinforced, it makes it look like the fear was real and necessary. It makes it feel like it really was necessary to avoid the discussion, or the behavior. So unwittingly, it is reinforced for both people.

We live in a world of uncertainty, which can make us feel fearful.  Fear can often fuel behavior that is counter-productive to our lives, especially when we have not nurtured a sense of self and have not worked to monitor our own boundaries.
Whether you feel that you are controlling or being controlled, your task is to examine and claim your own standards (what you expect of yourself) and protect your boundaries (what you will not let someone do toward you).  The stronger your sense of self, the less the need to react around issues of control.

Oh, and let’s be clear:  life is an ongoing project, where mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow.  Mistakes are NOT the same as failure, unless we allow ourselves to be captured there.

How To Save Your Marriage And Stop Being Controlling
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you trying to save your marriage after hearing a spouse tell you that you are always controlling.  How can you save a marriage when a spouse has given up, due to your controlling behavior?  Hang in there, and we will explore that question.

I hear from people almost everyday, telling me that their spouse has just revealed how angry and hurt they are by the controlling behavior – many on the verge of divorce, because of this dynamic.

Many people tell me that they did not even realize that they were being controlling. However, in reflection, many are finally ready to admit that they, indeed, are controlling.  Sometimes, it comes at the stake of having to save a marriage that is on the verge of falling apart.

So what does cause controlling behavior? Why do some people seem to need to find a way of controlling others? Why is it that many people find themselves constantly seeking to have the outcome the way they wanted, eliminating anyone else’s outcome or opinion?

Controlling behavior has a central theme to it. In fact, there is one central cause to controlling behavior. The reason behind controlling behavior is very important to understand if you want to change that behavior. In fact, until you fully understand how much this one emotion affects you, you will be constantly working and striving to control the situations around you, even if that is a losing proposition.

(And I promise you, trying to control a spouse, a child, or almost any situation, is a recipe for failure. It is also a recipe for misery, not just yours, but everyone else around you.)

So what is that one emotion? The answer is very simple. In fact, it may seem too simple. Hear me out. I think you will agree that the one reason for controlling behavior is . . . FEAR. That’s the emotion. That’s the emotion that will get you to shift to being controlling, even when things are going well.

The interesting thing is that some people have elevated their controlling behavior to the point of trying to pass it off as an okay trait, even a positive attribute. I have heard many people say “I’m a control freak,” “I just like to have things my way,” or “I’m just that way.”  The way it is said betrays the fact that they are, deep down, rather proud of this fact.

Whenever we elevate a negative trait, we know we are headed for trouble. We have managed to justify our own behavior, and force it on other people.

Sure, we all want things our way, but sometimes, we get to the place where we can’t have it any other way. We won’t even allow others to have an opinion. And if they try to do something, and it is not up to our standards, we take over and tell them what to do, or even do it ourselves. When this behavior gets ingrained, then it has shifted to a dangerous level.

This often happens in a marriage. And unfortunately, when there is a marriage crisis, it’s even easier to become more and more controlling. This is because fear is getting activated on a regular basis.

You are fearful that something could happen, that you will lose this relationship, and so you control more and more.

Fear. That is what drives controlling behavior. Even if you are unaware of the fear and anxiety.  Even if you are aware of it.

The fear comes from two places.

One is the fear of being out of control. This is the fear of not being able to control your environment, a thing spinning in ways you don’t want them to, and of feeling and inability to move things in the direction you want.

The second is related. This is the feeling of fear that you will not get what you want and what you think you need. When we’re afraid that we are not going to get what we want, we can to try to control the situation, our attempt to get what we want.

That fear can cause problems in a relationship. Because in the midst of trying to get what we want, we are probably affecting what somebody else wants in a negative way. In other words, if I am trying to force the situation so they get what I want, you’re likely not going to get what you want.

But let’s be clear at this point: control is an illusion. It does not work. It is not effective. And it only creates resentment on the part of those around us.

So why do we do it? Because on the few times that it does actually work, at least short-term, it convinces us that we CAN control the situation.  We get positive reinforcement for something that doesn’t really work. Then, when it doesn’t work, we keep remembering the time that it did work, and decide we just need to try harder. When we do that, we just become more controlling.

Sound familiar? Is this a place where you sometimes find yourself? Can you relate to what I’m saying?

You see, built into the control is the belief that we are right. If you didn’t think you were right, you would not be trying to control things. Control can come from the best of intentions, and still destroy a relationship.

Over time, controlling behavior causes resentment on the part of the person who is being controlled. Over time, it also forces the person who is controlling to always be right and to always be responsible. In that set-up, both people lose.

In a marriage, when there is a controlling person, or controlling behavior, the other person has to allow him/herself to be controlled. The couple sets up a dynamic of control/controlling between them, and it begins to eat away at the relationship.

What often comes from these relationships is a parent-child relationship between spouses. And whenever there is a parent-child relationship, that child will eventually hit the teenage years. At that point, you suddenly have a rebellious spouse on your hands, even if they have benefited from the controlled/controlling relationship.

A controlled/controlling relationship is not about being a WE. It is a you/me relationship, where one person’s opinion is lost to the other. One’s opinions and actions are negated by the other. That is where the real harm is done.

An important point about controlling behavior is that it is based in one person’s standards. A standard is something that you expect of yourself.  It’s the standard of your expectation for how you will be in the world, how you will treat other people, how you will fulfill your duties, and how you will interact.

Unfortunately, we often expect others to have our same standard. This is not the case. The problem comes, not from our own standard, but when we try to place it on somebody else, and are upset when they do not fulfill our own standard. Practically speaking, it is not possible to give your standard to someone else.

Again, this is not a philosophical statement, but a practical statement. For example, you may have a standard that you will be honest with people around you. However, you cannot expect those people to be honest with you. To be clear, there may be consequences if someone is not honest with you, but you cannot force them to be honest.

This often happens with parents and children. Parents will place their standard on a child, but the child will do otherwise. Which is why I say this is not a philosophical statement. It would be nice to be able to make sure that our children follow our high standards. But it is not within our possibility. For example, with the standard of honesty, you may have consequences for someone if they are dishonest with you, but they may be lying to everybody else around them. There is nothing you can do to stop that. Practically speaking. Again, this is not philosophical.

Yet when we are in our controlling spot, it is often because we were trying to get our standard fulfilled by somebody else. For example, many couples fight about housekeeping. One or the other will perform a household duty that will not be to the standards of the other person. The person with the higher standard, and higher frustration, treats the other like a child. They try to teach them, coax them, coach them, or force them to do the duty correctly.

This is not, as it is often phrased between the couple, a question of doing it correctly or incorrectly, but a difference in standards. However, it is manifest in controlling behavior.

So what do you do about your controlling behavior? If your spouse is telling you that they can no longer tolerate the controlling behavior, how do you solve this issue?

I have some suggestions for you.

1.     Acknowledge what you are doing. Notice the times that you feel the need to take over. Notice the times when you either coach or coax someone to do something your way.

Acknowledge that fear is driving you. Then consider what this fear might be about evokes a fearful response for you? What feels at risk?

Then notice that the behavior is truly worthless. And usually ineffective. Couples have the same arguments over and over, throughout the years. Rebellious behavior is often the answer to the controlling behavior. In the end, at best, you get a stalemate. At worst you get conflict, anger, resentment, and finally disdain.

2.     Breathe. Seriously, breathe. Remember, controlling behavior is based in fear. Fear happens deep in your brain.

Threats are perceived long before you are consciously aware of them. Your unconscious brain detects the threat, and put you in fear mode. Breathing is a way of short-circuiting the process.

But you have to breathe correctly. You want to learn how to belly breathe, if you do not know how to do it already. If you don’t know how to do this, it’s easy.  Lie down on a bed, place a hand over your chest, and place a hand on your belly button.

Now begin to breathe, so that only the hand over your belly moves. The hand on your chest should be completely still. When you do this, it is relaxing breathing that tells your brain there is nothing to fear. So, when you feel yourself getting anxious and uptight, and feel the need to correct how something is happening, or force an outcome, belly breathe. Breathe slowly and consciously, and your brain calms down a bit.

3.     Be mindful of the interactions. Identify out where you become controlling. With whom do you become controlling? What circumstances trigger you to become controlling? Began to be mindful of those moments.

Watch yourself as you move into those circumstances. Observe your thinking, and what happens to your thinking.

Your goal is to recognize, more and more, when these moments occur. As you notice these moments, you’ll be more mindful of the response it elicits in you, and can decide on a more conscious reaction.

4.     Begin to develop your emotional awareness. For many of us, when we are fearful or anxious, we stop noticing our emotions and start acting on our emotions.

But you may find that if you just sit with your emotions — not react to your motions, but just sit with them, they are not dangerous, nothing will happen, and you can choose not to act or react to the emotion.

Emotional awareness is not about changing the emotion, but realizing the emotions as they are, and realizing that it does not require any particular action on your part. This is when you can decide to sit with your emotions, rather than react and respond to your emotions.

5.     Be open to other possibilities and potentials. Are there other ways of parenting a child? Are there other ways of loading the dishwasher? Are there other ways of dealing with the bills? Are there other ways of deciding what should be done and what should not be done on the weekends?

If you get away from the assumption that there is a wrong and a right, you are left with the possibility of other options. Things may not be done your way; that does not mean it’s the wrong way. Richard Carlson, the author of Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, was famous for saying that you can either be happy or you can be right, but you can’t be both. Which do you want to be? Being open to possibilities leads to happiness. But only after you get for your anxiety and fear.

One final thought for you: don’t suddenly and without notice do the opposite of controlling. Don’t go from being controlling to suddenly giving up all control. That’s not fair either. As is often true, health is a place in between. It’s where both people are responsible, and make decisions, and share perspectives.

Imagine for a minute that you’re the trapeze catcher of a trapeze team. Your partner has for years released the trapeze bar and lept into your arms, waiting to catch your partner. The two of you have done it over and over and over. For years you have done this. So much so, the both of you know exactly how to do it, even with your eyes closed. In fact, with the flips that your partner is doing, your partner doesn’t even see your hands, but grabs them every time. Each time your partner jumps, you catch. Then one day, without any notice or warning, you just quit catching. Your partner is left flailing through the air, without a clue as to what has happened.

This is what happens when somebody goes from being very controlling to refusing to do anything, giving up all points of control. Both people are off-balance, and neither is going to land safely. Be clear about the places where you decide to give up control, and be clear about how to share that responsibility.

Controlling behavior comes from fear, but a fear that is unwarranted, and useless. The threat is not real, nor will catastrophe befall most of the issues around which people control.

Today is the day to give up your control, and come to a partnership. It’s time to start a WE and make a shift to a new partnership.

New Years Resolutions To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

The New Year.  A timNew Year, New Marriagee for reflecting and resolving.  A time to let go of what has been and look toward what could be.

My rational mind knows that in reality, it is just another day.  But my deeper soul sees something more profound.

And so, each year, I spend a good bit of the last part of the year in reflection of what has happened in the last year.  I look at the good and the bad.

But I don’t stop there.  I look forward to what potentials there are in the new year.  What could become?  What could develop?  What turns can I help my life make?

My family has a tradition of picking a single word.  That word represents what we want to live into.  It is a word that sums up our coming year as an overall theme.

One year, I knew it was going to be busy and that my energy would be pulled in many directions.  That year, I chose “breathe.”  I used that as a reminder to settle down, to be present, and to let the stress fall away.

That word appeared at the top of every day on my calendar that year.  And I practiced breathing, both metaphorically and physically.

My word this year remains a secret.  I will reveal it to my wife and children, but to nobody else — at least until I know I am living into it!

Let me encourage you to ponder your word for the year.  One single word.  It will represent what you are moving into.

That may be as much “resolving” as you wish to do.  But many want to have some specific resolutions, so I have a few suggestions.  These are suggestions for resolutions if you are struggling with your marriage.  They are powerful resolutions, though, that can be applied anywhere, in any life.

5 Resolutions to Help You Save Your Marriage

1)  Resolve to be growth-oriented.  See yourself as someone who is always in the process of becoming.  You are not static, unable to change.  You are not the “old dog,” unable to learn new tricks!

You are always growing and developing.  Resolve to notice it, embrace it, and pursue it.

Take up new hobbies and pursuits.  Become the better person you know you have hidden within you.  Challenge yourself to be on a path of improvement and betterment.

In her book, Mindset, Carol Dweck states that we can either have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset.  She notes that many of us have a fixed mindset in many areas of our lives.  We come to believe we cannot change, cannot learn, and that things are “just the way they are.”

That belief is fiction.

A growth mindset is the realization that you can grow and improve in any area in your life — if you choose to!

That does not mean you can be anything you want to be, but that you can be better at anything in which you want to improve.

Oh, and with relationships, when we say our relationship is stuck and cannot change, we have adopted a fixed mindset.  When we say the same about our spouse, we have placed them in a fixed mindset.

When, instead, we look for areas to learn and grow, the world opens before us.  New potentials appear.

Resolve to be oriented toward growth!

2)  Resolve to be expansive.  I believe we can either live contractively (based in fear) or expansively (based in possibility).  Be expansive.

That does not mean you will stop experiencing fear.  Only that you will choose to not be steered by fear.  You will not allow fear to constrict and contract your life.

Living expansively is not “living large” or “having a big head.”  In fact, people do both of those when they are living constrictive lives.  They are fearful of what others will think, so they compensate.  They give into the fear of “what others may think.”  They end up living lives that are reflections of what they only think others are thinking.

In other words, they reflect the false belief that people are watching and that what they see matters.

When we live expansively, suddenly we find new options and new creativity.  When we live expansively, the world sees our potentiality and begins to move with us, not against us.

Does that mean that life will suddenly be trouble-free?  No.  Only that we will not be adding to our own troubles.

In marriage, when we begin to be fearful of the reactions and/or rejections of our spouse, we live contractively.  When we are expansive, we are looking for more connection.

When we are living contractively, we are asking “what am I getting from this marriage?”  When we are living expansively, we are asking “how can I put more into this marriage?  How can I love my spouse more?”

Resolve to live more expansively!

3)  Resolve to show up.  Woody Allen said “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”  I think we underestimate what that means.  Showing up, really showing up, is being truly present.  It means bringing your own greatness into the moment.  (And yes, we all have greatness!)

Think of the difference between just being there and really showing up.  Think of the times when people are around you, but you are only partly there.  You are half-listening, looking at Facebook or texts on your phone.  You are looking through the mail or at the newspaper when your spouse or children are talking to you.

Showing up is when you are talking WITH them.  You are engaged and listening.  You are not either pretending to listen or waiting for your turn to respond.  You are engaged.

When you are showing up, you are truly engaged in the moment and with others.

What happened to a Facebook “friend” or in the newspaper is very hollow, compared to what happened to those that are with you and who love you.

A marriage in trouble often has two people who no longer really even show up with the spouse.  They are there, but not truly THERE.

So resolve to show up MORE in life this year!

4)  Resolve to take full responsibility.  Notice that I said “responsibility,” not “blame.”  Looking for blame is fairly useless and mostly unproductive.  But taking responsibility for life.  That is major.  Life changing.

If you are in a building that is on fire, if you stand around and ask, “who did this?  Who caused this fire?,” you are not likely to survive.  If, however, you say “I am taking full responsibility to get myself and anyone else I can out of here,” then the situation has drastically changed.

We live in a culture that is caught up in saying, “Not me.  I didn’t do this.  Someone else needs to fix it.”  We are surrounded by “It’s not my fault,” which then becomes “It’s not my responsibility.”  Look no further than Washington, DC, for proof of this.

Taking responsibility is about accepting that you have a role in making life better.  That no matter what has happened, you can determine where you end up.

Resolve to not blame yourself, but to take full responsibility for where your life leads!

5)  Resolve to forgive and let go.  Anne Lamott said “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”   And yet, we often decide to hold onto all that old baggage.  We decide to carry it around, regardless of what it does for us.
I truly believe that forgiveness is almost entirely for the benefit of the forgiver.

When I speak about forgiveness, I start having people list “unforgiveables.”  These are things for which someone should simply not be forgiven.  Often, the list includes things done to innocent children, but also includes murder and other grisly crimes.

I then point out that such an approach assumes the forgiveness is for the offender, not the forgiver.

It is too bad we have been infected by this belief.  Because I think this is what leads us to hold onto past hurts and perceived slights.  We decide to hold onto the pains and hurts, so the other person is not “let off the hook.”  So instead, we just drag around the pain and memories.

What happens next?  We start to blame.  Then we stop showing up.  Then we start living contractively.  And then we stop growing.

In other words, to do the other 4 resolutions, you also have to resolve to forgive.  Not for a single event, but as a belief in life.

Trust that forgiveness will release you and don’t worry that it might let the other person off the hook.  In reality, it just gets you off the hook.

Oh, and notice how many marriages are in trouble because people simply will not forget.  They commit to holding onto the hurts and slights that are a side-effect of living with another person in such intimacy.

Resolve to forgive more this year!

My hope for you this New Year is that you will find more and more of life in your life.  You will find more and more connections in your connections.

I wish you a grand New Year!

 

If you haven’t already, I invite you to grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Save The Marriage Rule #9: Two Important Feelings
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Susan and Michael were sitting at the opposite sides of my couch, about as far apart as the arms of the couch would allow.  Each was a mirror of the other, arms and legs crossed tightly, feet bouncing nervously/angrily.  Each was looking toward the opposite direction.

It was one chilly moment!  I sat for a few moments, hoping one or the other would thaw the situation with a little verbal communication.  None was forthcoming.

I asked, “so, what brings you here?”

Silence.

I suggested, “therapy is tough when done in silence.”  (Ah, how astute I am!)

Silence.

I noted, “you both made the effort to be here.  Perhaps we could use the time in some way that would be helpful?”  (50 minutes of silence is a LONG time!  Trust me on that.)

Silence.

I was pondering what might actually get us somewhere when Susan said “he doesn’t love me.  He never has.  I have had enough rejection!”

Anger flashed across Michael’s face, and he responded “Rejected!?!  You reject me on a daily basis!  Every day, you show me you neither want me around nor need me!”

Susan quickly retorted “I feel the same way!”

I asked, “Michael, is that accurate?  Is Susan right that you don’t love her, that you want nothing to do with her?”

He spit back “Of course not!  I love Susan with all of my heart, but she is breaking it!”

“Susan,” I asked, “is Michael correct, that you don’t want or need him?”

“No,” said Susan, “but after so many times of being rejected, you finally stop trying!  I have learned to get along alone.”

How sad, I thought.  Both claim to love the other.  And neither feels it from the other.

But they had nailed the symptoms:  
1)  Feeling unwanted.
2)  Feeling unaccepted.

In the next few sessions, I helped Susan and Michael understand how important it is to get a spouse to feel those emotions.  Notice, I said “feel.”

If the emotions are there, but not felt, problems still arise.

What I mean is, even if you want your spouse and you accept your spouse, if he or she does not experience that, it is for nothing.

When I say “want,” I mean that in every sense:
“I want you physically.”
“I want you in my life.”
“I want to share my world with you.”

The opposite is to feel either unwanted or needed.  When someone feels unwanted, the rejection leads to a process of defensive disconnection.  It is simply too painful to feel that level of connection.

To feel needed creates a sense that the other person is needy, and not an equal.  It also raises the question of whether someone is wanted or simply needed.  That creates an equally yucky (not a clinical term) experience.

As important is the feeling of acceptance.  We all have a deep need to be accepted, to have someone love us as we are, in spite of our shortcomings.
“I accept you as you are.”
“I accept you as a growing, changing human being.”
“I accept you are not perfect, and neither am I.”

When someone is trying to get someone else to change, the sense of being accepted quickly vanishes.

Countless times, I have heard comments like:
“If he wasn’t so lazy, maybe he’d have a better job.”
“I am just trying to help my spouse be more stylish.”
“I am only saying that for their own good.”
. . . and many, many other ways of saying “my spouse is not acceptable.”

So, take a few moments and ask:
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unwanted?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel needed?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unaccepted?”

Work on changing those behaviors.

But then go to the next step.  Commit to making sure that your spouse feels wanted and accepted.

Then refuse to get sucked in to responding in kind, when you feel unwanted/needed or unaccepted.  Don’t decide to match how you perceive your spouse is acting.  Instead, act the way you know you should.

Oh, Michael and Susan?  They quickly discovered that both deeply loved the other.  Once they could talk about how they wanted each other, and showed acceptance, they discovered a depth of marriage they had never had before!

Powerful emotions, when we feel wanted and accepted.  Do that for your spouse!

Ready to get out of the viscious cycle?  CLICK HERE to discover how to transform your marriage!

Marriage Saving Rule #8: Stop the Arguing and Bickering
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Sometimes, I have someone contact me, or even have the couple in my office, telling me how desperate they are to save their marriage — but when I watch them, I am at a loss for why they would want to.

They constantly argue and bicker.  One says up, the other says down.  One says “blue,” the other claims it is “green.”

I often interrupt and ask, “is this how things are between the two of you?”

Often, they will pause in mid-spar, change their tone and say “yes, this is how it is.”

I can only wonder why they even want to work on things.  It just looks so painful.

And so unnecessary.

And utterly ridiculous.

And absolutely avoidable.

OK, not entirely avoidable, but probably 80 to 90% avoidable.

Every couple is going to have disagreements.  But at least make sure they are about something meaningful!  Make it worthwhile when you do have the arguments.

Otherwise, you are only eating away at your relationship (and the emotional health of each of you, and the children).

Study after study has shown that conflicted households lead to an array of problems, both physical and emotional.  And not just for the ones doing the arguing.  Other family members are also affected.

Sometimes, more so, as they have NO control over the situation.

And the conflict eats away at the relationship, eroding all positive feelings over time.

For the most part, arguing and bickering becomes just another habit for many couples.  In fact, many couples have said, “if we don’t argue, there will be no conversation.”

Really?  That is the choice?  Arguments or silence?

I have watched enough couples to know that is not the case.  Just the effect of letting conflict become a) habit and b) the norm.

Habits can be changed.  It does take time, effort, and knowledge.

So, let’s get started!

What to do:

1)  Marriage researcher, John Gottman, has noted the “Golden Ratio.”  He found that for a relationship to stay positive and move forward, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should be 5 to 1.  That means for every negative interaction, there needs to be 5 positive ones.

Examine your relationship, and take action if you think you do not meet that minimum ratio.  Remember, the more positive interactions versus negative, the better.

2)  Recognize arguments for what they are, worthless interactions (except those 10 to 20% that are about something important).

Arguments, in my definition, are “two people with two opinions, attempting to change the other person’s opinion, but unwilling to consider changing their own.”

In other words, even if it is about something important, we are generally unwilling to consider the other person’s opinion, anyway.  That means that even those important issues rarely shift.

We live in denial that someone is going to change their opinion, even when we are unwilling to make a change.

A friend of mine told me that really listening meant you had to listen so intently that you are willing to consider changing your mind.  Good advice that few of us follow.

3)  Note that arguments are often a symptom of power struggles in the relationship.  They point to yet another place where we are not on a team.

I don’t mean a heated discussion.  That can be all about working together.

But when you keep having the same argument over and over, take it as a sign you are working on a You/Me level, not a WE level.

4)  Conflict is also a symptom of disconnect.  When one, the other, or both feel disconnected, the pain of that leads to frustration.  Frustration leads to a build-up of negativity.

Negativity then leaks out as conflict and bickering — often about unrelated issues!

I hear the story on a regular basis:  one feels neglected, ignored, rejected, discounted, etc., by their spouse.  It begins to boil within, and then out comes the verbal jabs, the useless arguments, the hurtful words.  They are not about what is being said, but about the feeling of disconnection.

Reconnecting often causes the arguing to retreat.  Unfortunately, when you are arguing, you likely don’t feel like connecting.

Solution:  decide to reach out, anyway.  Decide to take a risk and reach across the anger.  You may be surprised to find someone feeling equally disconnected, but wanting to connect.

5)  And probably the most important one:  Seek to understand.

This is the antithesis of an argument.  Arguments are held as “Let me tell you the RIGHT way of seeing this.”

But seeking to understand assumes there is not just one way of viewing something.  There can be a number of ways and angles.

We all have a certain “paradigm,” a way of seeing the world, that colors our opinion.  Therefore, we are bound to see things differently.  Not necessarily right/wrong, but differently.

And this is not about agreeing with the other person.  It is about understanding where he/she is coming from.

I can more easily understand someone and how they view the world than to necessarily agree with someone.

And often, what we most crave is really to just be understood.  Not necessarily having someone agree.  But knowing we are understood.

Ready to stop the arguing, start the connecting?  CLICK HERE

Can Sex Save A Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

(And can the lack of sex destroy a marriage?)

I always venture into a conversation about sex with a bit of trepidation.  Reason being that while few want to talk about sex, everyone has an opinion, and an emotional reaction to the topic.

If you are in a marriage in trouble, and sex is one of the issues, then there is even more energy around this topic, and even more of a chance for emotional responses.

That said, this is a very important topic.  So important, in fact, that I devote quite a few pages to it in my Save The Marriage System.  And a big enough issue that when people report on why their marriage ended, sex is in the top 3 reasons given (along with finances and parenting).

Why is it such an emotionally charged topic?  Simple.  It is one of the taboo topics in our culture.  By the way, you may notice that so are finances and parenting.  How many times have you, at a cocktail party, started a conversation with “how’s your sex life with your spouse?” or “how much money’d you make this year?” or “can I tell you something about your parenting?”  Oh, sure, we talk about these issues with our closest friends, sometimes.  But usually with a good bit of emotion, joking, tears, or because of a crisis.

So, even perspiring a bit, I press on.  Can sex save a marriage?  Can a poor sex life destroy a marriage?  Easy answer:  perhaps.

First, let me say that we humans have a wide range of sexual appetites, both in frequency and style.  So, to think that a marriage is going to have two equally interested partners is fantasy.  And that often begins the troubles.  What starts as a loving gesture of connection begins to be a struggle of interest, and then a struggle of wills.  There is going to be a winner and a loser.  And at that point, a great method of connection begins to be a great method of struggle.

Clearly, since sex ends up being in the top 3 of marriage-enders, it can certainly destroy a marriage.  A power struggle eats away at any marriage, leaving little room for growth, but plenty of space for stagnation.

Marriage is about partnership, being a team, connecting.  Sex is about connection.  Or should be.  So when sex is missing from a marriage, it begins to be a place of struggle.  No longer connection, it begins to be isolating.  Often, at the first stage, one wants sex and the other resists.  Both begin to feel isolated, one pressured and one rejected.  Isolation moves toward disconnection.  Until, at some point, someone decides that he or she “can’t take it anymore,” and decides to make the isolation legal.

So, that really gets us back to the topic at hand:  can sex save a marriage?  I answered already with “perhaps.”  So, let me elaborate a bit.

To be clear, sex is no panacea.  A broken marriage is not going to suddenly be healed by bedroom activity.  In fact, going from no sex to lots of sex can lead to anger and resentment:  “why wasn’t it like this before I decided to leave?”

But sex IS another way to connect and reconnect.  It CAN help move a couple toward renewed commitment and feelings of connection.

Too often, we underestimate how powerful sex is, and how important it really can be.   We often decide it is just about someone wanting to “get off,” or as I heard several times in my office last week, “get release.”  We get into that old “either/or” thing of it is only about the desire for pleasure.  It is possible that sex can be because it feels good AND it leads to connection.  It really is often a “both/and.”  But the more a couple struggles, the harder it is to see this.

People also tend to underestimate the deep feeling of rejection felt by the person who is wanting to have sex.  And since, in many relationships, that falls more and more to one person, it is possible that the person rejecting has not felt that in a VERY long time.

Now, the other side:  sex cannot be about pressure.  It must be about mutuality, and with respect.  Otherwise, it does merely become a physical release.  That does not mean that both are equal in their desire.  Only that both seek to be respectful and understanding of the needs of both.

Can sex improve a marriage?  Definitely.

Ready to save your marriage?  Grab my system HERE.