why is my marriage in trouble – Page 2 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Secrets To A Conscious Partnership

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg May 8, 2019 May 6, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 8, 2019

When a marriage is struggle, stuck, and painful, you are likely stuck in an unconscious relationship. Unconscious dynamics continue to push and pull at both of you, leading to disagreement, dissent, and disdain.

But it does not have to get stuck there. It is possible to make a powerful shift from an unconscious relationship to a conscious partnership.

There has to be a starting point, right?

Guess what? Just knowing that you are stuck in unconscious relating IS the first step. Really, step zero. Because until you are there, you can’t take any further steps. As with most things, once we recognize that something is the problem, we have taken a huge step in getting ready to take a step to resolve.

Strange, right? Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. It is a paradigm shift. And until you make that shift, you can’t build into the new paradigm.

A full conscious partnership is your goal, whether you knew it or not. You want to be powerfully shifting into a new level of partnership where the unconscious crap does not continue to sabotage your relating. You want, instead, to be relating from a point of connection and consciousness.

Most people, at this point, tell me the “just don’t have time or energy to devote to that.” Until I point out how much time and energy they are already devoting to the hurt, pain, and discomfort of where things are. Might as well make sure the time and energy are more constructive than destructive.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I interview Alexandra Stockwell about how you can begin to build a conscious partnership. We discuss steps you can take to make a shift from the unconscious to the conscious. (For the full interview, join Relationship Rewrite for access.)

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What To Do To Save Your Marriage? (Part 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 3, 2019

We are taking Back 2 Basics! Boiling the whole marriage crisis — and turning it around — right down to the very basics. Last week, I started a 2-part session with the 3 C’s you need to do to turn things around. (FIND THE EPISODE RIGHT HERE)

This week, I discuss HOW you carry out those 3 C’s… using the 4 C’s. Think of the last episode of giving you the targets you need to address. This is HOW you address your efforts.

Many people want to save their marriage… and they even have an idea of the areas they need to address (last episode). They may be very clear about what went wrong (the first episode of this series). But then, panic sets in. And their efforts backfire. They can’t get traction. Their spouse pushes back.

It doesn’t have to be that way! There is a simple formula for you to follow (back to basics) on how you implement your plan… the plan to address those 3 targets. 4 simple guidelines… those 4 C’s, will guide you and keep you out of trouble.

After the last episode came out, a listener/reader contacted me and said, “There is no way it is that easy.” I agreed. The process is not easy. It is, however, pretty simple and straightforward… unless you complicate it unnecessarily. Sure, it seems overwhelming. But that is the reason for this series.

To break it down into the basic pieces. To give you a simple roadmap to follow. To remind you of what is most important. Those targets? The 3 C’s? Incredibly important. Those guidelines? The 4 C’s? Incredibly important.

Let’s get this process going.

Listen below.

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blah, Blah, BLAH… BANG

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 12, 2018

And suddenly… crisis!

(or not)

RARELY does a crisis come “out of the blue.”

Many times, people will tell me that they “had no idea,” or “never saw it coming.” But then, we start talking. And they tell me about those little warning signs along the way. The ones they ignored. Or that they didn’t fully respond to.

Those signs? That’s the “blah, blah, blah’s” that come before the crisis. The “I’m not happy.” The “something’s not quite right.” The “I need something to change.” Those are the “blah’s” that are either missed or ignored.

Or half-heartedly heard.

No real changes. Just attempts to duck the conflict, to change the conversation.

Here’s the thing: if you are already at BANG!, you can’t go back and address the “blah’s”. You do have to deal with the crisis. But you also want to be clear on how you got here. How the “blah’s” got missed. And why you are at BANG!

Let’s talk about it on this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Chronic, Crisis, Flashpoint, Tipping Point – What Happened??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 23, 2018

“What happened?”, they ask me. They tell me they knew things weren’t great… but they had no idea that things were “this bad,” to the point that a spouse is threatening separation or divorce.

Suddenly, a chronic marriage problem becomes a marriage crisis.

They can’t believe “that one argument” led to the threats of divorce.

And they are exactly right. That was just a flashpoint.

At some point, most chronic issues have a tipping point, when they go from chronic to crisis. it happens with health issues. And it happens with relationship issues.

Nothing is great… but not horrible… until everything turns upside-down. The problem erupts into a crisis.

If that is what happened to you, you need to understand the dynamics behind this. I cover those dynamics in today’s podcast. Listen below.

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5 MORE Myths of Marriage (That Can Get You Into Trouble Fast)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 20, 2017

In the last episode, I covered 5 myths of marriage that can get you into trouble. In this episode, I reveal 5 more. Equally dangerous.

Especially in your efforts to save your marriage.

The first set of myths were about the nature of marriage.

This set of myths are assumptions about what happens to a marriage in trouble.

If you or your spouse believe these myths, you might find yourself really struggling with any attempt to save your marriage.

Take a listen to these myths of marriage that may be hurting your efforts to save your marriage.

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5 Myths of Marriage (That Can Get You Into Trouble Fast)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 13, 2017

Myths aren’t just interesting stories. They are pieces of false information that can get us into trouble. Myths form false beliefs that can cause you to act in damaging ways. And there are quite a few myths around marriage.

Each myth can cause problems. But most people believe multiple myths, multiplying the mess.

Myths make assumptions and form ideas. If you believe the myth, the ideas make sense. And the actions based on those ideas make sense.

Except that the underlying assumptions are false.

Which means the actions are faulty.

But the damage is real.

If you know someone (or even belief it yourself) who thinks there is “THE One,” the one person destined to be your spouse — you already know one of these myths. And you may have discovered the damage done. If not, you may discover it down the road.

In this week’s podcast episode, I cover 5 myths. In the next episode, I will cover 5 more.

See if YOU believe any of these myths.

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Two Modes Killing Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 29, 2017

Over and over, I see the same two “modes” killing marriages — all without intention or maliciousness.

The hurt and pain often lead to anger and resentment down the road. But it simply starts in innocence. Most people don’t even know they are operating in these modes.

You may be making this mistake (or have made this mistake) and dropped into one or both modes.

The first mode is “Pause-Mode,” thinking that you can hit pause while life moves forward. Parenting and career often are reasons to hit the pause button. But there is no Pause Button in marriage.

The second mode is “Me-Mode.” In marriage, you are building a WE. But if you don’t know that, and don’t know what that is, you are likely to get caught in Me-Mode, to the detriment of the marriage.

Both modes develop innocently. And either mode is capable of taking down a marriage. Don’t fall prey to these two modes.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help.

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