Close
Enter your
text here
Monthly Archives :

July 2015

What Game Are You Playing?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

What is your game, your ulterior motive, your hidden agenda?We all have hidden agendas.  We all play games.  And these are not “fun” games.  They are mental games.

The problem is, in every game, every hidden agenda, every ulterior motive, there is manipulation and indirectness.

It may work for salespeople, attorneys, and politicians.  But it rarely works for spouses and friends.

When someone is playing a mental game, our “BS” meter becomes hypersensitive.  Something is just not quite right, just a little off.

And because of that, we lose trust.

What is YOUR game?  What is the hidden agenda?  What is the ulterior motive?

Don’t get tripped up by playing those games.

Learn what to do.  And what NOT to do. . . .

Additional Resources:
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Don’t Wait For Confidence. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Don't wait for confidence. Take the first step and confidence will follow.Several times a week, I get an email or a phone call with the same question, “I want to save my marriage, but can I do it?  I don’t want to try unless I know I can.”

In other words, “I don’t have confidence, and until I do, I don’t want to take action.”

I consistently answer the same way:  “Confidence is the wrong place to start.  Confidence is not the starting point.

Fear grips everyone.  Here and there, we all find ourselves caught by fear, seemingly unable to move, feeling unable to act.

If you know that feeling, I want to let you in on a little secret:  confidence is NOT the starting point.  It is part of a cycle.  But waiting for confidence will be a long wait — it may never come.  Unless you decide to take action, follow the cycle, and get to the point of confidence.

So, what are the steps toward confidence?  Listen to learn the “confidence cycle,” and why NOT to wait for it to get started!

 

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Separation: Can It Save Your Marriage (Or Cost You A Marriage)?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Can separation save a marriage?You want to save your marriage.  Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it.  That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.

And so, I often have the question asked, “Should we separate?  Will a separation save my marriage?”

Can a separation save a marriage?

Short answer:  yes, it can.

Longer answer:  a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely.  And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.

Fairly recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced.  In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.

I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage.  It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.

But here is the thing:  if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution.  And yes, you can find “fans” of separation.  There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.

Those people are ignoring the statistics.

They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict.

But are there better solutions?  Absolutely. Here is one.

In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic — so that you understand that.  I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort.  Listen below for help with separation.

RESOURCES:
Article on Separating
Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Where DID Those Feelings Go?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Where DID those feelings go?Maybe your spouse said it.  Or maybe you’re feeling it:  those feelings just aren’t there.

No tingles, no butterflies, no desires.  Is it you?  Is it your spouse?  Were they ever there?

Those feelings of attraction and romance are not well understood by most people.  So, when they aren’t there (or are at least in short supply), many believe it to be an indication that the relationship is wrong, destined for failure, or maybe permanently broken.

There are 5 root causes of why those feelings might be missing.  The bad news is that there is nothing you can do about 1.  The good news is you have a choice about the other 4.

Learn what happens to those feelings.  But more importantly, discover what to do about it.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Attraction
Connection
Love Languages
System To Save Your Marriage

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change (And What To Do About It)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Why your spouse doesn't believe you will change.You have arrived at that point.  You know you are not doing all you can and being all you can be.  It is time for a change.

Perhaps with hat in hand, you sit down with your spouse and let your spouse know, in your most sincere and concerned voice, that you know you have fallen short.  You know you can do better. . . and you promise to change.

What you expected was a spouse who is supportive and hopeful, smiling at you, and proud of your efforts.

What you get, instead, is anger and frustration.  Maybe it is the silent treatment.  Or maybe it is yelling.  Through clenched teeth, you may hear your spouse say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.”  Or maybe, “We’ll just see about that.”

Why?

You feel shot down.  Maybe hopeless.  That did not play out the way you thought it would.

Why?

Don’t blame your spouse.  Choose to fix it.  Choose to make the change.

Here is what to do, when your spouse doesn’t believe you will change.

RELATED HELP AND RESOURCES:
Show Up
Connect
The System
Virtual Coaching

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS