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Monthly Archives :

July 2017

A Swiss Cheese Approach To Marriage Crisis
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What swiss cheese has to do with your marriage: multiple causation theory.It may be an odd preoccupation, but I pour over the scuba accident reports.  I like to see how the accidents happened, what led to the accident, and how it might have been prevented.

The same approach is taken to studying scuba accidents as is applied to airline accident and medical accidents.  And it should be applied to marriage crises.

There’s a theory of accidents in systems that is called the “Swiss Cheese Theory of Accidents.”  Another description would be “multiple causations in spite of prevention systems.”  Imagine a bunch of slices of swiss cheese.  Usually, a slice with holes in it won’t line the holes up with another slice.  If you stack them together, there are no holes all the way through the stack.

But if the holes line up, something could pass right through.  Something like an accident.

In scuba, aviation, medical, and industrial fields, there are multiple checks and balances in place (slices of cheese) to keep an accident from happening.

Marriages also have these safety zones:  love, priorities, attention, affection, boundaries, communication, etc.  The bigger the hole in each system, the bigger the chance that the holes match up.  And the bigger the chance of a marriage crisis.

To put it simply, there are multiple causations that go into a marriage crisis.  To go a bit deeper, listen to my podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Another Podcast On This Theory
Importance of Connection
Importance of Boundaries
System To Save Your Marriage

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Are You Addicted To Blame?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you addicted to blame?Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse’s fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?

Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.

Blame has one single outcome — STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).

Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change.

And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don’t fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.)

Let’s break the addiction to blame.

And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES
Anger and Marriage
Healing YOUR Resentment
Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment
The Importance of Connection
The Save The Marriage System

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“What If I CAN’T Save It?” — Your Fears Addressed
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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"What If I can't save my marriage?"Two phone calls the same day.  Both with the same question:  “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?”  One had been working at it for awhile.  The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).

It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process.  Each has a different meaning.  All share a fear.

That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.

This week, I want to take on the question, “What if I can’t save it?”, because not every marriage can be saved.  (But NONE will be saved without action.)

Don’t let the question trip you up.  Understand what’s behind it.  And learn my answer to the question.

Listen below. . .

(And if you are ready to get started, GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM HERE.)

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Fighting Versus Solving: Using Conflict
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you Fighting or Solving?Do you find yourself fighting and fighting, but never making progress?  Maybe you even look back and make the painful discovery:  you are just repeating the same argument.

If so, you aren’t using conflict to get anywhere.  You are just trying to win.

Conflict is better used when it moves you toward progress.  It can serve to solve.

Or it can serve to wound.

Many times, I have heard the same statement: “I don’t want to argue about this anymore,” “I don’t want to fight anymore.”  Both come from a realization that nothing is happening in the fight.  No solution, no progress.  Nothing but hurtful conflict.

Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, if a couple can’t make the shift, the wounds and hurts add up.  Until one or the other (or both) call it quits.  They give up, tired of the conflict.  Some leave.  Others stay, but refuse to communicate.

Either way, the connection suffers.

It doesn’t have to be that way.  Conflict can serve to move you toward a better relationship.  But only when you use it to solve.

Listen to the audio training below to learn how.

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