September 2017 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Doing The Right Thing vs. Doing It Right

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 27, 2017 September 14, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 27, 2017

Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject: the difference between “Doing The Right Thing” and “Doing It Right.”

Let me be very clear: I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work. It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of “throw away.” We do it with stuff and relationships. And “No Fault Divorce” (better called “Unilateral Divorce”) has made it simple. Or at least it has been made to seem simple.

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous. It’s pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship. That is the definition of courage — feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don’t do it the right way. “No Contact Rule,” Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail. Their desire to change things is absolutely there. But the approach is in trouble. It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet. Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point. But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let’s talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Desire Versus Decide

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 20, 2017

“I just don’t feel it,” two people told me this week. One didn’t feel like following the plan to save their marriage. The other didn’t feel it for the spouse. One wanted to save the marriage. The other didn’t. Both were motivated by desire (or lack of desire).

Here’s the problem: desire is fickle. To say the least. Even in a strong marriage, desire for each other can ebb and flow. And even the best of us struggle with the desire to do things: exercise, eat well, clean the house, go to work, etc., etc., etc.

Which is the problem with letting “desire” be the measurement of taking action.

Is there another way?

Glad you asked! Yes there is.

It’s a word I particularly like. Decide.

“Desire” is based in an emotional state. “Decide” is a rational choice. It supercedes an emotional state. And it generally is the only reliable way we make progress in any area of life. If I wait for desire, the chances over time of desire showing up — they just keep going down. If I decide to act, I take back full responsibility for my actions.

Has desire been your motivation and measurement (or lack of motivation and measurement)? If so, let’s discuss the alternative.

RELATED RESOURCE
Go Pro
Have A Plan
Why It Matters
System To Follow

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

One Question That Can Destroy Any Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 13, 2017

There are some questions that can help a marriage. There are many thoughts that can improve your relationship.

But there is one question that will suck the life right out of a marriage. And it is a question you don’t even need to ask another person, in order to do the damage.

In fact, another person won’t make a difference for this question. It is a question lurking within you.

Oh, and did I mention that another question, similar to this question — but very different in direction — can help restore a relationship?

Change the question, change the frame. Get stuck on the question, get stuck in a downward spiral. It’s up to you. . . once you know the question.

Which one are you asking?

(Need some help with your marriage? Grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Rejection or Protection? Perception. . .

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 6, 2017

You are working on your marriage. You reach out toward your spouse. . . only to feel rejected.

After that stops you in your tracks. You start doubting yourself, your efforts, your plan. . . .

STOP.

What if your spouse was not really intending to reject you?

What if something else was going on?

What if I told you that almost always (I would say “always,” but then someone would work hard to prove me wrong), it is not really an attempt to reject.

It is really an attempt to protect.

Not “protect you.” But “protect themselves.”

What? You say, “They don’t need to protect themselves!”

But that doesn’t mean they don’t feel the need to protect themselves.

Perceptions.

They really get us in trouble. You feel it as rejection. It was meant for protection. The problem is, your perception could throw you off, cause you to pull up, abandon your plan, and wallow in pain.

Or you could understand it from your spouse’s perception. . . .

Listen to the podcast below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS