November 2018 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Anger, Blame, Shame & Responsibility

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 28, 2018 November 28, 2018

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 28, 2018

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse… and not a fun dance??

Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3….

No, the dances aren’t particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!

One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.

And so does the feeling of shame! “Why can’t I/we figure this out?”, they wonder.

And then, they dance it again.

How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?

That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them… along with how to make a shift.

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The Last Thing You May Be Feeling…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 21, 2018

This may be the last thing you are feeling… but it should be first!

What is it? Gratitude. Appreciation. Thankfulness.

Here we are, staring right down the barrel at Thanksgiving (if you are in the States). And if you are caught in a marriage crisis, you may not be “feeling it.”

But as I often tell people who ask me if I am ready for some Holiday, “It doesn’t matter, it’s coming, anyway!”

Maybe you aren’t feeling it. Just the same, Thanksgiving is here. Mixed feelings or not, the day comes.

That day we set aside for being thankful, feeling it or not. Wanting it or not.

And yet, the day commemorates the day when those Pilgrims, having trekked to the new world, had faced down grim circumstances. They weathered it (literally), and many didn’t make it. Nor were they out of the woods, yet! Another winter was quickly approaching.

Which is why they found it important to stop and be thankful. Not pretending that there was no struggle, but seeing that there was more to life than just the struggle. There was also much for which they could be grateful.

The same is true for us.

So, here are some resources to help you make an important shift, both for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.

Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis

How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage

What Thriving People Know About Gratitude And Appreciation

2 Targets To Thrive

Avoiding The Blow-Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 14, 2018

Slowly, slowly… you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around… and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn’t moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in… and they start to grow. You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.

Until…

Maybe it was something small…

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing… maybe even a big thing!)…

And BOOM! You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn’t. You say things you wish you hadn’t. You do things you wish you hadn’t.

BLOW UP!

… and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week’s podcast episode below.

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When Is It Too Toxic?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 7, 2018

You probably know that I’m on the side of your marriage. I’m all about saving a marriage.

But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?

No.

First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.

Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.

Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.

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