November 2019 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Heavy Holiday? Marriage Crisis and the Season

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 27, 2019 November 21, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 27, 2019

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.

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Is “Space” the Opposite of Connection?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 20, 2019

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”

Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.

Are they opposites?

One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.

Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.

And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.

Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.

(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)

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The Problem with Changing… and Proving It!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 13, 2019

Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage. Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed.

It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far.

And noting the relationship problems? That might “fall on deaf ears,” too.

Which means you may just be catching the blame.

And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way. Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make.

Now what?

Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes.

Maybe to prove you can. Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed.

Here is the problem: Change is hard, and rarely straightforward. When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success. Every now and then, you are likely to fall short. You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses.

That doesn’t mean you have failed. Only that change is often a journey.

But those slips? They will absolutely be seen as failures by a suspicious spouse who is not trusting the changes (or even your capacity to change).

And that is the problem with change.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover some questions about this that were submitted by listeners. Take a listen below!

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Pushing Through…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 6, 2019

What do you do when you feel like giving up, like nothing you do is making a difference? Or when your spouse says you are trying to hard, or acting strange? Or when you have dragged your spouse to retreats, therapy, workshops… and at every turn, your spouse throws up a wall?

What do you do to push through?

That assumes that, for right now, giving up is not what you want to do.

You could do that. You could walk away. That is an option at any time.

But what if you don’t want to do that?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer listener questions about how to continue in the face of failed efforts and resistant spouses.

We also look at the effects of depression on the process.

And I give you three pointers to keep moving forward… including why that “love language” may be failing in translation.

Listen below.

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