March 2022 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

3 Steps to Better Communication

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 30, 2022 March 29, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 30, 2022

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.

But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It’s just that most people express themselves fairly well.

For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.

Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.

In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication — communication that leads to connection!

Listen below.

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How You Show Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2022

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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5 Factors of Success

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2022

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can’t guarantee that.

But I DO think there is a “reverse” guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can’t do that.

What I try to do, instead, is “stack the deck” in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect.

Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying “a little of this, a little of that.” You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings.

But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your “hand” you are playing.

One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can’t see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship.

What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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Gut Punch Moments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2022

I’ll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, “I don’t love you” or that variation, “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial). Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse’s life that makes you question everything. Or when your spouse announces the need to separate. Or the divorce papers arrive.

Gut punch.

You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet.

Gut punch.

And it might not be the first! It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage. Then, you find out more. Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5….).

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you don’t react the way you want to or wish you had. That is often what happens. And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it — they had already prepared!).

But what now?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it. Listen below.

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