Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. – Page 10 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Can a Marriage Turn Around Quickly?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 29, 2022 June 28, 2022

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2022

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around… for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???

I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.

That doesn’t mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.

Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight?

It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don’t).

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Crisis Clarity

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2022

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn’t so helpful.

Let’s backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let’s assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best — that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the “love you, not in love with you” speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or… fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Crisis vs. Problem

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 15, 2022

On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage. Then, they tell me about the current crisis: “my spouse doesn’t love me/is having an affair/won’t talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc.”

They want to solve the crisis. And they think THAT is the problem!

They would be wrong.

What they are describing is a symptom. Not the problem.

If you try to solve a symptom, all you get are other symptoms. No resolution, no help, and no change.

We don’t just do it about a marriage issue. If you are running a fever, you may decide to take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen. And you might feel better (the fever likely comes down). But if there is an underlying problem, treating the symptom means that some other symptom will just emerge… and it may be even worse!

In this podcast, I look at the difference between a symptom (the crisis) and the problem (what led to the crisis). That will help you to actually make a difference in your marriage, solve the crisis, and resolve the problem.

Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

The Dad Edge

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 4, 2022

Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response. Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed. Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame.

But there is often very little change.

On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change. Not just for Larry, but for many other people.

You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent. So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand. But it was not going the way he wanted. So, he decided that something had to change.

He decided that HE had to change!

It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too!

Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom. This grew and grew.

When it became clear that others were looking for support and guidance, Larry got serious and created The Dad Edge.

In this interview, Larry and I talk about the struggles with limited parenting models many people got from their childhood, how important the parenting (specifically, the Dad) role is in development, and how to start on a path of better parenting.

Listen in below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Some Truths for Every Couple

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 13, 2022

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.

Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage — happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage — this applies! If you are struggling through — this applies! If you aren’t sure if it will survive — this applies!

A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.

And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.

Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage — and can build a great relationship!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

3 Steps to Better Communication

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 30, 2022

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.

But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It’s just that most people express themselves fairly well.

For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.

Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.

In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication — communication that leads to connection!

Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

How You Show Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 23, 2022

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

5 Factors of Success

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 16, 2022

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can’t guarantee that.

But I DO think there is a “reverse” guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can’t do that.

What I try to do, instead, is “stack the deck” in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect.

Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying “a little of this, a little of that.” You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings.

But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your “hand” you are playing.

One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can’t see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship.

What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Gut Punch Moments

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 2, 2022

I’ll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, “I don’t love you” or that variation, “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial). Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse’s life that makes you question everything. Or when your spouse announces the need to separate. Or the divorce papers arrive.

Gut punch.

You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet.

Gut punch.

And it might not be the first! It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage. Then, you find out more. Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5….).

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you don’t react the way you want to or wish you had. That is often what happens. And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it — they had already prepared!).

But what now?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Combatting Crisis Fatigue

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 23, 2022

You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis. Then, you find yourself exhausted. You can’t find your focus. You wonder if you even care. The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness.

Sound familiar?

That would be Crisis Fatigue. It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly. When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe even years) it can wear on you. And all that effort you were putting into resolution falls to the side. You find yourself not following through on your plan.

Your efforts fail as you fall into exhaustion.

Crisis Fatigue.

But don’t let the Crisis Fatigue keep you stuck! You can deal with it, move beyond it, and continue your efforts. You can do that when you learn how to combat Crisis Fatigue. That is what we cover on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss what Crisis Fatigue is, why it happens, what happens when it hits, and how to deal with it. Listen below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS