Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. – Page 24 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Work on Me, Work on WE?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg August 14, 2019 August 6, 2019

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 14, 2019

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves… and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?

That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.

As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one. Because it might just be YOUR question, too! (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.)

Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won’t address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage.

The binary question: “work on me or work on WE?” stands out. But does it have to be so binary. Is it really one or the other? Or is there another way to approach this?

If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won’t work… and might make things better. So, what CAN you do?

Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.

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Is It Quitting Time? Resources to Help…

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 14, 2019

It would be nice if the process of saving your marriage is straight-forward, direct, and without any bumps along the way.

Rarely is that the case. Many times, it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, then 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Sometimes, it can feel like nothing is moving. Then, things lurch… even jump… forward.

The biggest risk? Discouragement and frustration leading you to quit. Friends and family encouraging you to quit.

No, you don’t have to keep on trying, indefinitely. There are times when you might decide to quit. But what you don’t want to happen is for your emotions to lead you to quit. IF it comes to it, you want to decide to quit. Not just feel like quitting. But making a decision.

Otherwise, you want to make sure you keep heading forward.

And when you are frustrated, feeling discouraged, and listening to those “quit” messages, you may need some help staying on-course.

Below are some selected trainings to help you deal with those times.

Can This Marriage BE Saved?

When You Are Frustrated and Feel Like Giving Up…

When It Seems Easier To Just Quit and Walk Away…

When Discouragement Is Hitting Hard…

4 Fears That Stop Your Efforts

Dealing With NaySayers

3 Ways To Stay In The Game When You Want To Quit

7 Strategies When You Hear “This Will Never Work” and “I Don’t Love You”

Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?

Is It Too Late To Save Your Marriage?

Save The Marriage System

How Do You Know If Things Are Improving?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 7, 2019

Phil asked, “How do you know you are making progress?” And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, “how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me.”

Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there?

This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball… or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil’s questions… at least as much as I can. There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.

But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.

Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.

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“Is ‘Trying’ Disrespectful?” – When A Spouse Wants Out

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 31, 2019

“Gem” wrote me after a recent episode of my podcast. In that episode, a therapist said, after one single session (where divorce had not been mentioned) that the client needed to prepare for divorce.

In Gem’s case, her husband used therapy as the excuse that they “had tried therapy but it didn’t work.” But he went further, saying that if Gem did not go along with his desire to divorce, it amounted to her disregarding (and disrespecting) his emotions.

I would have said, “WHAT??”, except I have heard the same thing over and over.

Often enough that I have even wondered if some Pro-Divorce “expert” had given that as the secret recipe to shift a spouse out of “save the marriage mode.” (Yes, those folks do exist… and yes, spouses do find them… and use them to arm against staying married — as if you need to arm against that!!)

What does it mean when a spouse says, “You are disrespecting my feelings by trying to save our marriage”? And what do you do? IS it disrespectful? SHOULD you just go along and give up?

I cover it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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“Why Should I Even Try?” – When Discouragement Hits… Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 24, 2019

Several people have asked me the same thing: “What if I am not even sure I want to save my marriage? I am so frustrated and discouraged, I feel like quitting… not even trying.”

It is a great question!

(By the way, if you want to submit a question for me to consider answering on a future podcast, email to [email protected])

Let’s be honest: it can be a frustrating and discouraging process. Sometimes, people think I say the process is easy. But in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I use the word, “Simple.” That is not the same as easy. Just direct. Simple. (Only 3 steps.)

Many people, in a fit of frustration, a moment of anger, give up and walk away… only to regret it just a little further down the road.

Which is why I suggest you think about your decision a bit differently. I suggest you assess your reasons as part of your plan, and as a touch-point when things are difficult (and they will be). Because many times, the difficulty comes when people are close to success… they just didn’t know it.

If you are discouraged (or want to avoid being discouraged), listen in on this episode of the podcast, as I explore “Why Even Try???”

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When Your Spouse Can’t See A Way Forward – Limiting Beliefs

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 17, 2019

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ’s question about how to deal with her spouse’s belief that “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE — let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I’ll try to answer!)

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Staying Stuck in the Negative – What DO you DO?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 10, 2019

[Have a question about saving your marriage? Ask it by emailing me HERE.]

Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don’t they remember the good times or see the good things?

Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse’s thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events — not accurate representations of the past.)

Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.

If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let’s look at the reasons it happens… and what you can do about it!

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Co-Dependence, Independence, and Interdependence – Listener’s Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 3, 2019

Here we are, Independence Day in the United States, marking the moment when the young colonies rejected ties to the British Crown.

So many times, I have people “declare their independence” from their marriage… somehow seeing marriage as about dependence. In our culture, any connection and reliance on someone else is often labeled as “dependence” or “codependence.” In reaction, people want to shift to “independence.”

In the healthiest of marriages, there is “interdependence.” You can have your own identity AND rely upon another person. You can have separate roles and responsibilities, but ones that support each other, AND not be codependent. But interdependent.

Where does dependence, though, cross over to codependence? That word… that label… is so overused that we rarely remember what it originally meant (I explain it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast below).

It is true, some couples and individuals ARE overly reliant on a spouse for emotional support and help. It is also true that every couple should be able to rely on the relationship for emotional support. But what is healthy? When does it become UN-healthy?

Colleen wrote in and asked (and YOU can submit a question, too, by CLICKING HERE and emailing it), and it is an important question — is this codependence, and how can you deal with it?

Listen below to learn about dependence, independence, codependence, and interdependence, in your own marriage.

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“How Do You Deal With Bitterness And Resentment?” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 26, 2019

.Resentment eats away at any relationship. It can destroy a marriage. Bitterness takes over and every good memory or thought is re-remembered and “bitter-ized” The foundational connection in the relationship is sapped of energy. Love and connection is slowly replaced with hate and disgust.

Can it be healed? Can you heal the resentment?

“Jared” wrote to me about his situation. It seems that his spouse has felt unappreciated for years. And even when Jared tried to change, to do better, that only threw fuel on the fire.

Instead of healing, the resentment seemed to grow.

So, Jared asked me, “How do you deal with long term bitterness and resentment?”

Maybe your particular situation and details are different. But anger and resentment (and the ensuing bitterness) affects many marriages. Troubled marriages are always hurting marriages, which comes out in anger and bitterness.

Can anything be done? Is there a path toward healing?

I cover the situation and the hope in the podcast. Listen below.

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“My Therapist Says Divorce!” – Listener Question

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 19, 2019

“In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it,” Claire wrote.

I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)

Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.

Claire was shocked. No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible. Just a declaration that the marriage was over… not from her husband, but from the therapist!

I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story… but I have heard it over and over. Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?

Let’s talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy… and what to do about them.

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