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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Fighting Versus Solving: Using Conflict
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you Fighting or Solving?Do you find yourself fighting and fighting, but never making progress?  Maybe you even look back and make the painful discovery:  you are just repeating the same argument.

If so, you aren’t using conflict to get anywhere.  You are just trying to win.

Conflict is better used when it moves you toward progress.  It can serve to solve.

Or it can serve to wound.

Many times, I have heard the same statement: “I don’t want to argue about this anymore,” “I don’t want to fight anymore.”  Both come from a realization that nothing is happening in the fight.  No solution, no progress.  Nothing but hurtful conflict.

Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, if a couple can’t make the shift, the wounds and hurts add up.  Until one or the other (or both) call it quits.  They give up, tired of the conflict.  Some leave.  Others stay, but refuse to communicate.

Either way, the connection suffers.

It doesn’t have to be that way.  Conflict can serve to move you toward a better relationship.  But only when you use it to solve.

Listen to the audio training below to learn how.

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The Danger of the Yo-Yo Method
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The dangers of the Yo Yo Method of saving a marriage. tDo you know about “yo-yo dieting,” where people start a plan and lose weight, drop off the plan and gain it back, only to repeat that over and over?

Did you know that each time that happens, it makes it harder to lose weight the next time?  Did you know that this pattern places people at higher risk of other medical issues?

Did you know that many people do the exact same thing in their efforts to save a marriage?

They start working on things, even start making some progress.  And then, they stop — for many reasons, but in the end, they stop.  And things get worse.  So, they start again.  It may take a little more effort and a little more time.  But things get better.  Then they stop.  Guess what?  Things get worse again.

That is the Yo-Yo Method of saving a marriage.

Don’t Do It!

Listen to this week’s podcast and learn why it happens (and how to stop it).

THEN CLICK HERE AND LET’S SOLVE IT, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

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Every Shortcut Has Gotten You Here. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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All the "short-cuts" got you to here.I admit it.  The phone call got under my skin.  We were traveling and I answered the call.  The person asked if I was the “save the marriage guy.”  I told him I was.  He told me he didn’t want my System.  Just the secret, the “short-cut.”

When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn’t want to go through all of that.  He just needed the “trick,” the short-cut.

We went round and round for a couple more minutes.

I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the “short-cuts” he had been trying is what got him to here.

He hung up, likely still looking for the “short-cut.”

And I was left thinking.  Wondering.  Pondering.

And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the “trick.”  Those “tricks” are all the things on the internet about “hypnosis,” “reverse psychology,” “spells,” or any of those other manipulations.

You can be efficient in your efforts.  You can be effective in your plan.  But not by taking the “short-cuts” that are really just tricks.

Can I tell you more about this?  Listen to the podcast below.

Then, let me suggest trying a REAL approach:  the Save The Marriage System you can find RIGHT HERE.

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The Anxiety-Anger Anchor
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The Anxiety Anger AnchorDo you find yourself and/or your spouse anchored to a problem by anxiety or anger?  Guess what? Anger and Anxiety — they come from the same space!  One is the inner, the other is the outer expression of fear/hurt/threat.

And wow, can it ever anchor both of you to the problems — keeping you from moving to solution.

Why does the Anxiety-Anger become an anchor?

How do you cut the line and get back on-track to healing your marriage?

Listen to today’s podcast to learn more on releasing the Anxiety-Anger Anchor.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Anger and Resentment
Why You Need A Plan
The Save The Marriage System

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The Compatibility Myth
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The Compatibility Myth“We’re just not compatible” has been the start of many “we can’t stay together” discussions.  But is it true?  Is there an issue of compatibility?

If you believe the many on-line dating profiles, that is the way you find your love:  compatibility. Complete a profile, indicate what you like, and be cross-referenced for people with similar likes.

But guess what?  Not much research backs that.

“Birds of a feather flock together” is no more true than “opposites attract.”

And still. . . it is the stated reason for many marriage-ending discussions.

When I hear the statement in my office, I have one central question:  “What do you mean by ‘compatible.'”  Suddenly, confidence in incompatibility erodes into confusion on what they even mean.

In reality, it is mostly an excuse.

People from opposite ends of the political and/or religion spectrums get along just fine.  People with opposite tastes in music, food, art, and whatever other “compatibles” there are, manage happy marriages.  People with few or no shared sports or activities still stay in love.

There is one area of compatibility that DOES matter.  I tell you about it in this week’s podcast, along with the reasons why compatibility, for the most part, doesn’t matter for marital bliss.

And if you are ready to get beyond that “compatibility excuse,” grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

Want to know what marriage is REALLY about?  LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE.

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STOP The Fishing Expedition
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Stop the fishing expedition.You may just be on a fishing expedition, and not even realize it!

If you are trying to get your spouse to respond, trying to get some feedback from your spouse, you are on a fishing expedition!

You probably won’t attract what you want.  And you may scare away what you most want to attract.

Do you think you might be on a “fishing expedition”?  Listen in to this week’s podcast and see if you are fishing. . . and what to do if you ARE!

RELATED RESOURCE:
Gary Chapman Interview
Save The Marriage System

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Dealing With Naysayers
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Dealing with naysayers and negative people when you are working to save your marriage.You’ve decided to try and save your marriage (good for you!).  But whenever you talk with family, friends, or even some professionals, they tell you to give up and walk away.

How do you keep from getting derailed by the negativity?

First, let’s be clear that they are probably well-meaning and want to be helpful.  Second, let’s be clear that many people truly believe that a broken marriage is, well, permanently broken.

After all, much of the world has never seen another option.  Many people (even professionals) do not know there is an alternative.  So, they are speaking from their knowledge and experience.

Which does not mean they are right.  Only that they are speaking from their viewpoint.

Consider the reasons behind the “advice” you are getting.  And consider your own reasons for seeking the advice.  Then, decide what you are going to do with that advice.  Does it really need to derail you?  Nope.

Let me give you some suggestions for dealing with Naysayers in this week’s podcast below.

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“Help! My Spouse Doesn’t Believe I Can Change!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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When your spouse doesn't believe you will change or have changed. What to do.You’ve been working hard to reconnect and change yourself.  You’re proud of your efforts.  But your spouse just isn’t buying.

For whatever reason (which is what I discuss in this week’s podcast), your spouse just does not trust the changes — or maybe doesn’t even see the changes!

Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall?  Like nothing you are doing is making a difference?  Like your spouse has already judged you and won’t allow themselves to see something different?

This week, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn’t willing or able to see a change.  Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn’t trust that the change will last.

Does that describe your situation?  If so, please listen.  I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.

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Expressive or Avoidant?
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I was discussing a situation with a client.  He told me he was confused.  His wife avoided emotions.  Except she would explode in anger.  He couldn’t figure it out.  He tended to avoid conflict, but expressed his emotions.  “What gives?”

Well, my client and his spouse are expressive and avoidant about two different things.  So, I suggested thinking about a quadrant, where there are four types of expressive behaviors.

There are two categories:  emotions and conflict.  There are two different scales:  avoidant and expressive.

“Emotions” is a category about how someone is feeling and reacting.  Happy, mad, sad, angry.  All emotions.  That some share and some avoid.

Then, there is “Conflict,” which is relational, around areas of disagreement.  There will always be conflicts in intimate relationships.  The question is how they are processed and expressed (or avoided).

The “Expressive” or “Avoidant” scales are not absolute, but a continuum from avoidant all the way to expressive.

You could be expressive in both emotions and conflicts.  You can be avoidant in emotions and conflicts.  Or you could be expressive in one, but avoidant in the other.  Which leaves us with four categories.

And it is likely that you and your spouse do not share the same square.

And if you do, you may not share the same spot on the continuum.

Let me tell you more in the podcast below.

(And if you are ready to save your marriage, please GRAB MY SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM.)

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How To Stay In The Game
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How to Stay In the Game.You might feel like “tapping out,” or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.

It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse.  You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship.  But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.

How do you “stay in the game?”

Partly, it is mental.  But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward.  Let me share some strategies on how to “Stay in the Game” in this week’s podcast.

Listen below.

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