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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Why You and Your Plan Are Stalled
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whyplanstalledAre your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled?  Maybe we should take a look at your plan.

You do have a plan, don’t you?

Let’s talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble — and what we can do to make a switch.

To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control.  YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues.  You may not have control over your spouse’s reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan.

Check out these related trainings:
Points of Failure
Your Reasons Why

And check out these resources:
How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps book
The Save The Marriage System

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Don’t Get Caught In The FOF Trap!
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Avoid the FOF Trap -- Fear of Failure!There is a trap waiting. It springs on you, sometimes even before you get started with saving your marriage. That same trap is waiting for you at every point of the process. You can easily get stuck in it.

What’s the trap? I call it the FOF Trap — Fear of Failure Trap.

We humans have a disproportionate fear of failure that we can either set aside or allow to trap us.

How many actions and options have you missed because you were afraid it might not work out? How many opportunities pass us all by because we are afraid that it we might fail? Oddly, when we allow FOF to dominate, we absolutely fail and miss out.

Don’t let this trap keep you from restoring your relationship. Decide there is another option. Move boldly toward your efforts.

Listen to this week’s podcast to find out how to avoid the FOF Trap.

(Ready to move forward?  Grab the Save The Marriage System.)

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How Boundaries Transform Any Relationship (including a marriage)
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5 ways boundaries help your marriage, make relationships easier, and allow you to grow.Boundaries may be a new concept for you.  Or you may already be working on setting boundaries for you and your marriage (I discuss it at length in my Save The Marriage System).

I believe that boundaries are foundational to having a thriving life.  Add in standards, mix a little “make an impact,” and you have an amazing life.

Boundaries are a “No” to how you are treated.  They set your limits of acceptable behavior.  Think of it as a fence in your backyard, marking your “territory.”  People in your fence are expected to be respectful and nice.

But here is something I have noticed:  many people treat boundaries like a weapon.  When upset, they take them out and beat someone back.  While it is important to set a boundary in the face of mistreatment, I would suggest that boundaries can be softer.  They can set the stage for a healthy relationship, drama-free and loving.

This week, I have the opportunity of discussing this with one of my top coaches, Terri Hase.  Listen in as Terri and I discuss 5 ways boundaries can transform your relationships — including your marriage.

(If you want some more training on boundaries, click here and here.)

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Gratitude In The Midst Of Crisis
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How to find gratitude in the midst of crisis, marriage or otherwise.Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States.  The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.

Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!).  What, gratitude when life stinks?

Yep.

In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis.  Yes, it is important every day.  But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up.

Is it easy?

Nope.

Is it important?

Yep.  So, let’s talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.

Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude?  Listen here and here.

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5 Roadblocks to Communication (and How To Break Through)
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5 roadblocks to loving and effective communication.Is communication an issue between you and your spouse?  Do you find loving and effective communication lacking from your relationship?

In this week’s free audio podcast training, we discuss 5 roadblocks to loving and effective communication.  One of my top Relationship Coaches, Annette Carpien, joins me to share her thoughts on the roadblocks.

And yes, we do discuss how to get past the roadblocks.  We give you tools and understandings for how to smash through the roadblocks to create loving and effective communication with your spouse.

If you find the training helpful and would like to contact Annette, just CLICK HERE.

(And here is a bonus training on Communication for you.)

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3 Shifts From Fear To Love You Need To Make
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3 shifts you need to make from fear and reactivity to love and responsiveness.Fear.  It comes so easily.  In fact, pretty much automatically.

Love.  Ahh.  A much better place for a relationship.

Reactivity, fear.  Responsiveness, love.  Where do you find yourself?

In this week’s free podcast audio training, we discuss the 3 shifts you came make from fear to love.  I am joined by one of my top Relationship Coaches, Nina Potter for a discussion on these 3 shifts.

If you find your marriage is stuck in reactivity and fear, learn how to choose these shifts.  You can get your marriage to make the shift to love and responsiveness.

Join us for this training.  And if you are ready for a little training, email Nina RIGHT HERE.

Listen HERE for more training on escaping fear in your marriage.

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How Your Marriage Got Out of Shape
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How did your marriage get out of shape?How did it happen?  Your marriage, how did it get into trouble?  Probably not overnight.  Sure, you can point to a crisis — a fight, an “I’m not happy” talk, an affair discovered, divorce papers served.  But that crisis didn’t just pop up.

Your marriage probably got out of shape over time.

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Marriage is NOT 50/50
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Marriage is NOT 50/50: Immutable Law of MarriageMany marriages are ruined by 2 people, each wanting to put their fair share into it.  “You put in your half, and I put in my half,” seems to be the thought.  Sounds good.  Fair.  Equal.

And destined for disaster.

It makes sense, doesn’t it, to see things that way?  Both people should be putting in their fair share, right?

The problem is it doesn’t take long for one or both to say, “You aren’t putting in your ‘fair share.'”  Which is quickly followed with, “So, neither will I.”

This is a Balance Book Marriage.  And it is destined for problems.

First, we often don’t notice what a spouse is putting in (and tend to exaggerate what we are putting in).  So we are balancing against fiction.

Second, there are times when a spouse doesn’t have it to put in (life distractions, illnesses, etc.).

A better model is “All In.”  Let’s talk about why (as we wrap up the Immutable Laws of Marriage Series).

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check
#13 Boundaries Protect A Marriage

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Boundaries Protect A Marriage
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Boundaries protect a marriage: Immutable Law Of Marriage. First line of an email last week:”I knew we were disconnected, but how did this happen?”

The level of connection in any marriage is likely to wax and wane.  You will feel closer and more distant to your spouse to varying degrees over the lifetime of your marriage.

And no, that does not mean it is a slow d0wnhill slide to disconnection.  There will be times when you just don’t feel it, and times when you can’t believe how connected you feel.

(My guess, if you are listening to this podcast, is that you are on the downswing of connection.  If that is not the case, good for you in being proactive!  But trust me, there will be those moments. . . .)

When the level of disconnection is higher, the relationship is at a higher risk.  The risk may be for affairs or unhealthy distractions.  Unless there are clear boundaries.

Boundaries protect a marriage.  But what’s a boundary?  How do you set them?  Glad you asked.  I discuss those issues in this week’s podcast episode.  Take a listen below.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift
#12 Forgiveness Is Not A Blank Check

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Forgiveness is NOT a Blank Check
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Forgiveness is NOT a blank check: Immutable Law of Marriage.Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.”  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift

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