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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

11 Things Happy Couples Do Differently: Conflict (part 1)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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This week, we start a series on what happy couples do differently than other couples.

Success leaves a trail.  Experts have been saying this for decades.  If you want to get somewhere, look at people who have gotten there.  What do they do differently?  How have they managed to get themselves there?

Happy couples are not special.  They are no better trained than other couples.  They don’t have some special “coupling” gene.  They don’t come from better homes.  They aren’t “relationship geniuses.”

In fact, they are like all the other couples — except they do some things differently.  And those differences result in happy relationships.

So, what are those differences?  They are the focus of this series of free audios.

Over the course of the next three podcasts, we will examine 11 things happy couples do differently.

By taking a look at those 11 things, you can see the path.  You can see the trail.  And you can follow their map.

Over the years, I have noticed a truth:  100% of couples have struggles.  Around 50% find a way to work through those struggles.  But that doesn’t mean that 50% of couples are happy.  Only that they have chosen to stay together.

Couples really fall into 3 categories:

  1. Decide to bail because of the difficulties.
  2. Decide to “hang in there,” and just be miserable.
  3. Decide to learn from the struggles, grow, and build a great relationship.

This series is focused on how couples get to category 3.  This is not about “sticking it out,” nor is it about bailing, hoping to find a better option.  It is about building a great relationship, where you are and with your spouse.

In this episode, we take a look at 3 ways happy couples deal with conflict differently.  Learn their secrets and apply it to your relationship.

RELATED RESOURCES:
We All Have Issues
Why Should I Forgive?
2 Necessary Feelings
Your Brain At War
Save The Marriage System

 

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The Bonding Code with Bob Grant
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Did you know there is a science to bonding?

“Bonding” is what happens when people arrive at the place where they are so connected that they want to be together forever.

Here’s the problem:  many people think they have successfully bonded — but they aren’t!  The proof is how many marriages get into trouble.

But there is a pattern, a path, a code to bonding.  And while you may not navigate each stage, you will pay the price later on.  The bond won’t hold.

Sometimes, I try to use Crazy Glue.  You know that stuff that is supposed to hold something together forever?  Well, in my experience, it doesn’t work — or should I say, I don’t get it to work!

I have to make a confession:  I don’t really follow the directions.  They are there on the container.  You are supposed to clean and prep each side, place some on each side, hold them together, blah, blah, blah.

You see that “blah, blah, blah?”  We do the same thing with relationships.  Yes, there is a science, and yes, there is a path.  But instead of following it, a couple says, “We’ve got this.  We know how to do it.”

Strangely, since they have never done it before, I am not sure why they think they “have it.”  No surprise that down the road, there is trouble.  The “bond” doesn’t hold the two together.

Can it be fixed?

Bob Grant, Relationship ExpertYes.

Rebonding is possible.  But if you are working on re-bonding, maybe it is time to follow the instructions.

Join me, as I interview relationship expert, Bob Grant, on The Bonding Code.

We discuss the process of bonding, and what to do when that process is in trouble.

RESOURCES:
The Bonding Code
Podcast Episode:  The Truth About Attraction

 

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Chasing Is Killing Your Chances
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Do you find yourself chasing after your spouse?  Do you keep wondering why your spouse is so cool, distant, aloof, and emotionally unavailable?

You may be pursuing your spouse, and in unhealthy ways.  In fact, your spouse may be running away faster and faster, because your spouse is feeling the pursuit.

Why does this happen?  Is it you?  Is it your spouse?

Perhaps it is each of you, and perhaps it is both of you together.

Either way, the outcome is rarely positive.  You may feel abandoned and your spouse may feel suffocated.

If you are just noticing the tendency to chase after your spouse, it is time to change it, before more harm is done.  And if you are working to save your marriage, it is even more important to manage the emotions and the desire to chase.

Learn why this dynamic happens, and what to do to stop it.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
The Save The Marriage System
The Virtual Coaching Program (email me)

 

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The War In Your Brain Is Killing Your Marriage!
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Don't let the argument in your head trip you up!There is a war going on.  It isn’t between you and your spouse.

It is right between your ears!  Your brain is at war with itself.

Well, to be more accurate, there are two parts of your brain that are constantly at odds with each other, both looking for different things.

And the part of your brain we humans are most proud of — that rational, reasonable, logical part — is trying to play referee. . . but not very effectively!

Your lizard brain and your herd brain try to hijack you.  Each has a different desire, a different need.  And both can end up tripping you up. . . unless you understand the roles of each.  And until you learn to listen to each one.

Learn more about how the war in your head can kill your marriage — and what to do about it!

 

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Love Is A Gift, Not A Transaction!
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Love is a gift, not a transaction.You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return.  You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.

Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.

But I want to challenge you:  are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?

If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”

That is a recipe for hurt and pain.

Love is a gift.  And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.

Let me say that again:

Love is a gift, not a transaction.

Sometimes, I hear a spouse complain, “I always think there are strings attached.  It feels so needy and manipulative.”  While they can’t quite put there finger on it, this is the reason.  Their spouse is doing “loving” things, but not without strings attached, expectations just below the surface.

This behavior often grows into a relationship, contaminating it.  At first, you do things because you want the other person to know how much you care.  Then, over time, it is more and more about feeling cared for.  Maybe it is a hug, hoping for a hug in return.  Perhaps it is an “I love you,” so you can be assured of an “I love you” back.  Or maybe it is a “backrub,” with hopes and pressure it will lead to more.

Love is a gift, freely given.

Transactions are for businesses and banks.

The gift of love is only felt as love, when it is given with no strings attached.

Let’s talk about it in today’s podcast!

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
The Balance Book Marriage
Interview with Gary Chapman – Love Experiment2 Necessary Feelings
Save The Marriage System

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Treat Your Marriage Like A Baby!
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Treat your marriage like a baby!Sometimes, it is helpful to have a mental image or idea in mind, to help you navigate spaces.

Marriage is an idea you don’t fully understand until you are in it.

Unfortunately, there is plenty of time to make mistakes, all while trying to figure it out.

We forget that training for marriage only happens “on the job.”  Which is why it shouldn’t be a surprise that so many people feel hurt and neglected in their relationships.

So, in this week’s podcast, I want to provide an image and consider the implications.

What if you treated your marriage (not your spouse, but the relationship) like a baby?  What would that change?  (An astute reader made this observation, and I thought it was powerful.  Powerful enough to share.)

Listen and let me know what you think!

(Ready to learn more about caring for your marriage and healing it?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.)

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Wishing And Hoping Is NOT A Plan!
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Wishing and hoping is not a plan.I admit it.  I am an information junkie.  If I am interested in something, I read and read before taking action.

Sometimes, though, when something big is in front of us, we forget that last word, “action.”

You can study, read, cogitate, agitate, marinate. . . and do nothing.

Oh, sure, it can feel like you are doing something.  After all, your mind is in overdrive.  But there is no action.

It’s kind of like being stuck in neutral, but revving the engine.  It sounds like something is happening.  The engine is roaring.  But there is no movement.

Why does that happen?

I believe there are 4 barriers.  Here they are:

  1. Fear
  2. Lack of knowledge
  3. Lack of confidence
  4. Lack of desire

Done is better than perfect.We can work through any of them (except the last), and you can move forward with working on your relationship.  But only when you are ready to lean into it.

But you have to get started!

Fear may make you feel like you don’t want to take action.  But fear is really only telling you that it is important.

And you don’t have to get it perfectly.  You have to get started and moving in the right direction.

Let’s get out of neutral and get you headed back to a relationship you can treasure!

Listen to the podcast below.

RESOURCES FROM THE PODCAST:
Your Reason Why To Save Your MarriageHaving A Plan To Save Your Marriage
3 C’s of Saving A Marriage
The Save The Marriage System
Virtual Coaching

 

 

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Love Is NOT Effortless
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Authentic love is the basis of a lasting marriage.Maybe you have heard these lines:

  • “Love should just happen.”
  • “This is just too much work.”
  • “I’m not feeling it, so it must not be true love.”
  • “I just don’t feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong.”

Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says — even if it goes against what you (think you) believe.

Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture.

But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control.

“I’m not feeling it” is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love.

Don’t be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided.

(No, I am not against romance — unless it is used as the “litmus test” of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!)

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
Interview with Bob Grant
The Save The Marriage System
Apply to the Virtual Coaching Program

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How To Move From Discouraged To Courageous
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How to move from discouraged to courageous.I heard it for the first time the other day.  It happened when a client was telling me about feeling discouraged.

That word, “discouraged,” hit me.

Dis-couraged.  To lose courage.

We can be discouraged, losing our courage.  We can be encouraged, taking courage in.  And we can act courageously — act, in spite of fear.

Courage is not the absence of fear.  It is choosing to act, to do what is right or good, even in the face of fear.

“Courage” comes from a Latin word, “cor,” which means “heart.”

You see, courage comes from the heart, from our core being.  Courage comes from an inner strength, an understanding of what needs to be done.

Have you been discouraged?

Learn the 6 steps back to COURAGE.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Why To Save Your Marriage
Having A Plan To Save Your Marriage
The 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
The Save The Marriage System
Email Me About Virtual Coaching

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3 Ways You Are Stuck (And How To Get Un-Stuck)
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3 ways you are stuck and how to get unstuck.You want to save your marriage.  But it feels like you are “stuck in the muck.”  You can’t get moving.

It may feel like paralysis — nothing will move.  It may feel like frustration — pushing against something, but with no progress.  It may feel like the engine is revving, but you are stuck in neutral.

In the end, all amount to the same situation:  no movement, no change.

Why is that?  Why are you stuck?

I would suggest there are 3 reasons:

  1. You don’t know what to do.  Or,
  2. You don’t know how to do it. Or,
  3. You are scared to do it!

The first 2 are all about gaining knowledge, gaining understanding.  The 3rd is simply choosing to let go of the fear.

Don’t let the feeling of fear keep you from the action of importance!

Fear is simply pointing to something important.  It is NOT a warning of what to avoid.  Don’t treat it that way.  Move through it.

Let’s talk through the 3 reasons you are stuck, and the way to get through each one.  Listen below!

Resources Mentioned In The Podcast:
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Resources on Rebuilding Connection
The Save The Marriage System
Why You Need A Plan To Save Your Marriage
Discovering the REAL Reasons You Are Saving Your Marriage
Virtual Coaching With Me

 

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