Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. – Page 6 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Are Things Improving?? How do you know??

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg November 8, 2023 November 8, 2023

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 8, 2023

Phil asked, “How do you know you are making progress?” And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, “how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me.”

Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there?

This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball… or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil’s questions… at least as much as I can. There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.

But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.

Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.

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Take These 3 Steps To Save Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 30, 2023

You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn’t be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don’t.

I mean, let’s face it: most people don’t do a lot to prepare to be married. Maybe a little pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a weekend event. Or maybe you read a book. But that doesn’t really cut it, does it? Most people find that out when they hit a problem.

They often discover that they didn’t really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage. But we can change that!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you 3 steps you can take, with or without your spouse’s involvement, that can start the process to saving and restoring your marriage.

No, they aren’t hard, nor complicated. They are, however, important. So listen in and take action.

Listen below.

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Why Your Spouse Can’t See A Way Forward

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 12, 2023

We all have limiting beliefs. You… me… and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can’t just change your spouse’s limiting beliefs!

What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck… unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.

Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN’T happen, what is NOT possible.

Even when there are possibilities.

Even when things CAN change.

If someone can’t see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can’t see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what to do when your spouse’s belief is “if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy.” I also address several other false/limiting beliefs… and what to do about them.

Listen in below.

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The Road to Divorce: 8 Stops

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 4, 2023

Just to be clear, people don’t simply end up divorced. They don’t go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce. There are some stops along the way.

As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road. And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage.

But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn around? You can still turn things around.

More than that, what if I told you about those 8 stops along the way? Because most people aren’t even aware that they have blown through the first one, two, or even three, without even realizing it!

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about each stop… and the options of the off-ramp. Tune in to hear and to find where you are.

Listen below.

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The 7 Stages of Disconnection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 27, 2023

The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn’t ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don’t “pause.” They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE)

But being simply disconnected is not the end of the story. It is actually the beginning of the arc of disconnection. And yes, it is on the other side of the arc of connection.

Unfortunately, this arc tends downward, with accelerating speed and momentum. It is painful, frustrating, and ever-more difficult to turn around. Can you turn it around? Yes. It just takes more time, effort, and resources, as it approaches the end.

And just how many stops are there on the arc of disconnection?

I highlight 7 in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

This episode is the audio from a recent video I released. (If you would rather see the video, you can GO HERE to watch.)

I reveal each of the 7 stages of disconnection, the dangers of each, and how to make a shift away from the stages. If your marriage is stuck in disconnect, listen in to discover your stage, and the off-ramp that heads back to connection.

Listen below.

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Why You Aren’t Getting Started

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 20, 2023

Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren’t DOING it. They can’t seem to get started with their efforts. Yes, they know the clock is ticking. Yes, they know it is important. But getting started… doesn’t happen

IF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED?

There are several typical reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started. And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way or the other.

I cover the problems and issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Are You Showing Up??

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 16, 2023

We all “show ourselves” in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.

Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.

As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.

Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way… that you are just following your spouse’s lead… or the lead of the world around you.

But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.

We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don’t have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.

How do YOU Show Up?

Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!

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When Your Spouse Has Lost Hope

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 19, 2023

Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage’s future?

You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch. You see a way forward, but your spouse can’t see it. If that is the case, then you need a way forward. The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness.

How important is it?

Incredibly important! Humans do not do well with feeling hopeless. Any bit of hope helps us to move forward. But when we lose all hope, we lose our way. We give up. We wander around. And we deepen the crisis.

What do you do about the hopelessness? How do you avoid falling into it?

On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what to do when a spouse loses hope. We discuss what hope is, how to recover hope, and how to stay hopeful yourself.

(This is the audio version of a video you can see RIGHT HERE.)

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The Perception/Connection Trap

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 12, 2023

It is not about “communication,” no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.

And then the trap is laid.

Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection.

I call it the Perception/Connection Trap. You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection. When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter. When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative. Which leads to further disconnection. Which leads to further negative perceptions.

The spiral downward.

The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis.

The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap. And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the cycle to re-grow the connection and the relationship.

Learn how in this week’s podcast trying (and if you find it helpful, please use the SHARE buttons below).

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Apology ≠ Forgiving

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

July 5, 2023

We all have hurts from close relationships — and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don’t heal.

Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn’t have to happen.

Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long. Weeks, months, even years. Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way.

There are two parts to the process of healing: apology and forgiving. But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other. They are separate. Sometimes, people lump them together. And while they are related, one does not link to the other.

You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you. Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive.

Let’s talk about each of these processes and why they are not related… and why that is important. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Hurt and Blame
How Hurt Keeps You Stuck
Book: The Forgive Process
Anatomy Of An Apology
Why To Forgive
Save The Marriage System
VIP Virtual Coaching

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