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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

“It REALLY IS His Fault!” – Self-Deception
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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And that was the start of our session!  Sue was convinced it was Jack’s fault.  Which led me to ask, “why isn’t Jack here?”

“Oh, he is very busy. . . and I felt guilty about dragging him in. . . and he said that if I would just let him miss this time. . . .”

I had heard all this before.  My office is filled with people wanting to save their marriage.  In fact, they almost always start their phone call with “save my marriage, please!”

Then they start explaining why it is not THEIR fault, but the other person’s fault.

So, what happened the next week when Jack came in?  It was not his fault!  It was THEIR problem, though.  And the first step in solving any marriage problem is to get BOTH to see that NEITHER can be fully blamed.  And either, or both, can take responsibility to address the issues at hand.

Does that mean that saving a marriage is a task for just one?

No, but it does mean that one person can actually start the process.

But step one is to stop the “Blame Game.”  Start looking for responsibility.  “What can I do in this situation, to start moving it toward success” is far better than “This is all his/her fault.”  Or the variation I love, “I know it is not his/her fault entirely, but it is probably (choose any number over 50)% theirs.

If only it were that simple!  Even actions that lead to issues have starting places that included both people.  But more about that later. . . .

It Worked. . . and Yet!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Have you seen the cartoon that recently went around? The man is desperately looking for his iPad. It seems to be lost, and he is lost. He prays to God that if God helps him find the iPad, he will do whatever God wants.

A few minutes later, he locates his iPad, illuminated by rays of light from above. The man grabs his iPad, turns his face upward and says “never mind, God, I found it!”

I chuckled a second time when I read an email from a customer. His marriage is great. Never better. His wife and he are under the same roof, talking, and moving forward.

So, I was a bit surprised that he wanted his money back. What? My material is designed to save a marriage.

Not just save it, but massively improve it.

Not just improve it, but radically alter it, so that the problems never reemerge.

Not just stopping problems, but making it into a world-class marriage.

And the couple is on their way. But he is just not sure if he wants to give me any credit or not.

Huh?

Sometimes, we forget where we were when we were in pain, and pretend we don’t need help.

If you are ready to get help for your marriage, if you are ready to move your marriage not just out of trouble, but to somewhere great, let us know!

We are here, waiting to help YOU!

Time. . . And Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Last night, I had the chance to watch the movie, In Time. If you are not familiar, it is a dystopic future that divides the “haves” and “have nots” by who has time. Literally. The general population are programmed to live for 26 years (barring an accident or someone stealing their time). But the wealthy have become immortal, as they have time.

Their slogan, “for the few to be immortal, many must die”. So, they hoard time, and meanwhile, the masses live, quite literally, minute-to-minute.

So, my analysis of the movie is that it is a very intriguing and thought-provoking idea caught without a decent plot.

But, as I said, it makes you think. Time as the ultimate commodity. What if that was the case?

Oh, yeah. It is! When we make a purchase, we are trading the time it took to make that money for that product. That $5 coffee? Calculate how long it took to make the $5, then decide if it is worth it. And that is without adding in the loss of that $5 for future earnings. We trade our time for our possessions. And experiences. The movie is already true!

But what does that have to do with marriage? Lots!

How much time do we waste acting as if our marriage was worthless? For instance, think of all the time a couple loses in worthless arguing and struggling, somehow pretending that a) there must be a winner, and b) if they keep going, they will arrive at a conclusion.

Scoring points. That is the typical goal in most arguments. “Let me prove my point, and then you will see I am right.”. But how many of those arguments are just differences of opinion? Take those out, and you have a 90% reduction in arguments, making the other 10% much easier to solve.

Or how about how much time we spend unhappy, but unwilling to really work at it?

Now, some will use this as rationale for divorce. Get out of a bad relationship and move on.

If only it were that easy! People greatly underestimate the devastation of a divorce. It is crippling to kids, adults, finances, etc., etc., etc.

But being stuck isn’t the answer. Here’s the deal, pointed out in the movie: we are going to die. How we spend the time between here and there is our only choice. Wasting it in conflict, or using it to build a treasured relationship?

Your choice.

Knowledge Is Power. . . NOT!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Have you heard that before?  Knowledge is power?  Trust me, after spending over 9 years, post college, in graduate school, I believe that information has power.

Problem is, too many people forget one thing:  knowledge that is not applied is useless.  Knowledge is NOT power.  Applied knowledge, THAT is power!

On a daily basis, I hear from people who want to save their marriage.  Just this morning, a gentleman asked me for “a few pointers” to save his marriage.  I referred him to my Save The Marriage System.  But I get the feeling that he just wanted a couple of points.

He wanted the “magic knowledge.”  And that is what sometimes worries me.  Are you ready to take action?  Or have you been seduced by society’s obsession with “the easy answer.”  Most easy answers are not even answers.  But more than that, how many people even apply them?

All I have to do is look at my bookcase at all the “information” available to me.  Wow!  I have a solution for many problems. . . and they would probably work — if I applied the information!

My point is, sometimes we get so caught up in chasing information that we never take the next step — action.

Are you wanting to save your marriage?  Stop a divorce?  Improve your relationship?

Do yourself a favor:  once you have some information you trust, spend some time implementing and trying it out.  Don’t keep looking for more information.  Try it out!

About 6 months ago, I got serious about really getting into shape.  I found some information I trusted.  And I applied it.  Want to know what happened?  I lost weight, got fit, and am now in the best shape of my life.

Several people asked me what I did.  I told them.  Some even got the book.  One joked “I read it and nothing happened.  Do you mean I have to do something different?”

Indeed, knowledge is NOT power.  Applied knowledge, THAT is power!  Get the information you need, then take action!  A new year and new life awaits you!

Ready to change your life and your marriage?  Grab this information and save your marriage!

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
–Albert Einstein

‘Tis The Season. . . For Breakups!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The air is filled with the lights and sounds of the holiday season!  People are bustling around, making their plans.  Malls and stores are full of shoppers.  The smell of spices and cookies hangs in the air!  Silent Night plays in the background.  And all is right with the world!

Save Your Marriage This Christmas. . . Except for all the relationships that end over the holidays!  Divorce attorneys hear the phones ringing.  People are dividing up property, arguing and fighting, and finding themselves at the end of a relationship.

Are you surprised?  Or perhaps that is exactly what landed you here.

We humans seem to like to pick arbitrary points in time.  So, some people have said to themselves, “I will end this by the end of the year.” Or “I will be gone by Christmas.”

Others see the opportunity of school being out to make a transition.  They somehow imagine that breaking up a family will be better done while the kids are on break!

So, the holidays see a spike in breakups.  And suddenly, the joy of the season is replaced by pain and resentment.  In fact, the holidays, from then on, mark the breakup.

How sad.  And how useless.  In the consumer world that seems to too often mark this season, we do the same with relationships:  “this relationship just isn’t as fun as it once was.  Time to move on.”

Ah, the love of the bright, shiny and new!  The allure of the merchandise in the window is no different than the allure of a new relationship.  One we imagine to be free of defects and problems.

If I look in my basement, I see any number of electronic items that tell me that we humans are only fooling ourselves, whether it is the new electronics or the new love interest.

Might you revive your relationship?  Might you save your marriage?  Discover how by CLICKING HERE.  Give yourself a present that really matters!

It Is NOT Enough To Just Stop A Divorce
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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You may be at my blog for any number of reasons:  saving a relationship, stopping a divorce, addressing an affair, thinking about a separation.  Likely, you are here because of a marriage crisis, not for pleasure reading, agreed?

Many people want me to help the stop a divorce.  But over the years, I have realized that stopping your divorce is just not enough.  My job, my mission, is to help you improve your marriage.  I do not think it is adequate to simply stop a legal process and have a marriage just keep limping along.  There are a couple of reasons why.

First, I truly believe that life is just too short to be in an unhappy marriage.  And life is too short to suffer all the pain of a divorce.  But life is well lived, learning how to be in a loving and supportive, intimate marriage.

Second, when people tell me “I just want things to get back to the way they were,” I happen to know that “where they were” is how people get to “where we are.”  Again, heading back to that is heading back to stuck.

Third, marriage is something that should be cherished, nurtured and protected.   Not doing that means that we have really missed out on an opportunity for growth and enlightenment.

So, notice that my site is not  named StopYourDivorce.  It is Save The Marriage — save YOUR marriage, and make it something great!

Ready to join me?  Learn more by going to the home page of Save The Marriage.

Saving Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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