Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 20 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Where Did The Love Go?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg March 11, 2020 March 3, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 11, 2020

I get that question very frequently: “What happened? Where did the love go?”

Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it. The end result is the same: one or both people just not feeling it… not feeling love. Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.” Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.”

Then what?

And where did the love go? It was there before. Did it really go away?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing. We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back.

Listen below.

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Marriage Wrecker: Conflict

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 4, 2020

Over the last couple of episodes, I have been looking at what wrecks marriage. First, I discussed Expectations. Then, I discussed Disconnection.

In this episode, we look at another “Marriage Wrecker”: Conflict.

Yes, I know, plenty of people will tell you that conflict is inevitable in marriage. And it is certainly true that every marriage… any relationship that is as intimate as marriage… is going to include disagreements and differences-of-opinions.

That is not the question. The question is, how do you deal with the disagreements? How do you do conflict? If you aren’t careful, conflict can wreck your marriage.

Why? Because it often becomes adversarial — going for the win, not for the relationship.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at how conflict can wreck your marriage… or how you can keep it from happening.

Listen below.

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Marriage Wrecker: Disconnection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 26, 2020

Your marriage is hurting. Why? What happened? What wrecked your marriage?

In the last podcast episode, I discussed how expectations can wreck a marriage.

But unfortunately, there are some other issues and concerns that can wreck your marriage. This week’s Marriage Wrecker is right at the top of the list.

In fact, it is a recurring theme in my work with couples. After discussing it in several coaching sessions in the last few days, I thought it was a good topic for an episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

What is connection? What is DISconnection… and why does it happen? We start there. We discuss how connection is the life-blood of your relationship… and what happens when it gets squeezed off… often for what seem like good reasons!

The result, though, is the same, even when disconnection is unintentional. (And it almost always is.)

I also cover what to do when you realize the cycle and are ready to break it (what to know and how to approach it, so you don’t get thrown off).

Listen to this important episode below.

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Marriage Wrecker: Expectations

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 19, 2020

“What can I expect from my spouse?” That was the lead question. Because over and over, her expectations had not been met.

“Expectations,” I told her, “can wreck your marriage.”

“Which expectations?”, she asked.

I noted, “Any.”

But shouldn’t you have expectations? Shouldn’t you be able to expect things from your spouse?

Let me ask you question: How’s that going so far?

Some expectations are explicit. Others are implicit. Some are internal. Others are external.

And generally, expectations fail.

That same person said, “So I should just expect my spouse to do nothing, is that right?” I noted that she just changed to another expectation. But still, it was an expectation. And expectations cause problems. Negative or positive. They still cause problems.

The solution? Actually, there are two parts. Listen in as we take apart your expectations… and shift to something more helpful.

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Is Your Marriage in the Safe Zone?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 12, 2020

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?”

Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing. There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe. Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat. A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.

We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened. Connecting requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.

Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat. So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety? Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?

Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.

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Hope vs. Hopelessness

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 5, 2020

Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too.”

A couple of weeks ago, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope: hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless. Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope. So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

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“I’m Just Not Happy”… The Excuse to Leave?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 29, 2020

What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end? Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”?

I have heard this reason given over and over. It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy.

The fact is, you cannot make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy. But that isn’t even the goal!

(Just to be fair, it is possible to make someone miserable! But make them happy? Nope. Not possible. Ever.)

What does it mean when a spouse wants to end a marriage due to “not being happy”? And what do you do? How do you respond?

That is the topic of our conversation on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.

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“Are We Too Opposite?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 22, 2020

Too many times — in my office, by email, on phone calls — I hear a spouse rationalizing their decision that the marriage cannot possibly succeed because, “We’re just opposites, too different to make it.”

But is it true? Are you “opposites”? (How are humans ever actually “opposite”?) And for the sake of argument, does that doom your relationship?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener question that you may have, too. This listener’s spouse has declared, “We are opposites,” and has given up on even trying to save their marriage. This listener is wondering, “Is that true? Are we opposites? Does that doom our marriage?”

Since this question comes up so often, I wanted to discuss the reality of this. I cover my issues with “opposites,” discuss my theory of “Complimentarity,” and trample all over the belief in “compatibility,” an idea that has been espoused by dating sites and apps — and yet has failed in creating strong relationships.

Listen below for my response to “We’re Just Opposites.”

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Why It All Came Tumbling Down

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 15, 2020

“It suddenly fell apart,” Jenny told me. As far as she could tell, everything had been great until… one day… her husband said, “our marriage is over.” Before that, Jenny said, there had been no trouble.

Why did it all come tumbling down?

Rob told me that, sure, there had been some issues along the way. But he didn’t know his wife was ready to leave… until “out of the blue, she moved out and said we were done!”

Why did it all come tumbling down?

George told me, “I just want us to get back to where we were… before the crisis.”

My response to George was, “Where you were got you to where you are. You can’t just go back to there. You need to build a new relationship!”

I told both Jenny and Rob that I very seriously doubted that the crisis was quite so “out of the blue.” They just didn’t see it coming.

But brick by brick, piece by piece, their relationship was being pulled apart long before it all came tumbling down. And it is very likely that both they and their spouses bore responsibility.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the roots of trouble, so you can begin to consider why your marriage didn’t just start to crumble.

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Did Your Apology Fail?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 8, 2020

You apologized to your spouse… maybe on your own, or maybe because I suggested it.

And…

…

Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

No change, no difference.

Does that mean that your efforts are over? That your attempts to save your marriage are a failure?

Just to reassure you, an apology letter with no response does not necessarily mean it was a failure. And it sure doesn’t mean that your efforts are over.

This week, I am answering Chris’s questions about an apology letter “fail.” If you have a question, you can submit it at [email protected] for consideration.

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