Save Your Marriage Podcast – Page 20 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Time for a Relationship Reset?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg April 8, 2020 April 7, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 8, 2020

Unless you are hiding out in a cave somewhere (I read about a person who had been on a silent retreat — went in with everything normal and came out to the pandemic), your world has been topsy-turvy.

We will get through this. The pandemic will pass. But this isn’t about, “and then, we will get back to life.” Life is happening right now. And we won’t be going “back to normal,” either. There are some fundamental changes happening in culture. We didn’t just hit “pause” when people went into isolation. And we won’t simply “un-pause” when it is safe to un-isolate.

Society is in for a shift. How it shifts, that depends upon us, the members of society. There is, I believe, great potential for a shift to what really matters. Not what we have been believing matters. It won’t be about money, power, or prestige. It will be about meaning, purpose, connection, and character. (At least, that is my hope.)

Why does that matter? How does that affect your marriage? I believe there is an opportunity, in the midst of the chaos, for a “Relationship Reset.” It is an opportunity to reconsider the crisis and find a way to resolve it by staying married, not by leaving.

Discover the 3 reasons why this might be the time for a Reset, and 3 things to do to facilitate it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Coping as a Couple Caught in COVID Quarantine

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 1, 2020

Are you suddenly finding yourself and your spouse stuck together, thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic? Is it suddenly very close quarters?

If your marriage wasn’t struggling before, this may be the stressor that pushes your relationship into crisis.

Or it might just be the turning point to a thriving marriage.

What can you do during this time, for yourself and your marriage? On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore 3 areas on which you can focus. And in each area, I give 2 suggestions for what you can do to survive the crisis, weather the storm, and help both your marriage and yourself.

Listen to the episode below.

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Staying the Course in a Crisis (or 2)

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 25, 2020

The phrase, “Stay the Course,” comes from the commitment in battle to continue moving toward your goal, regardless of obstacles or difficulties. So first, let’s let go of the battle analogy. You aren’t in battle. But you are fighting for your marriage.

And in this moment, you are fighting to keep yourself and your family safe.

Those are the goals. And that is the problem. A single crisis is tough enough. But a crisis, squared. It isn’t just double. The struggle is exponential. That’s because a crisis on top of a crisis is not cumulative. It can feel like it multiplies the struggle.

So, then, how do you stay the course?

I cover these 4 ways in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast:

Have a plan.
Practice extra patience and grace.
Refuse to absorb anxiety.
Do the Next Right Thing.

Listen below for the details on each.

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What Now? – Saving your marriage in the midst of a pandemic

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 18, 2020

First, you were caught in the swirling whirlwind of a marriage crisis. Now, to add to that, a pandemic is taking over. Whatever fears you had about your marriage are now layered with your concerns about your health (and the health of loved ones).

It is amazing how quickly things are moving. This crisis has been on the radar since the first of the year. But as with many things (including a marriage struggle), most people don’t pay much attention until it is cascading into a crisis. Then, we are playing “catch up.”

Trying desperately to get ahead of the situation. But generally finding ourselves falling further and further behind.

A crisis tests us. Both a marriage crisis and a world crisis. They test us. To see whether we rise up or give up. Whether we go with what matters or what is easy. Do we act in fear or lead with courage?

We talk about this in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Where Did The Love Go?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 11, 2020

I get that question very frequently: “What happened? Where did the love go?”

Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it. The end result is the same: one or both people just not feeling it… not feeling love. Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.” Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.”

Then what?

And where did the love go? It was there before. Did it really go away?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing. We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back.

Listen below.

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Marriage Wrecker: Conflict

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

March 4, 2020

Over the last couple of episodes, I have been looking at what wrecks marriage. First, I discussed Expectations. Then, I discussed Disconnection.

In this episode, we look at another “Marriage Wrecker”: Conflict.

Yes, I know, plenty of people will tell you that conflict is inevitable in marriage. And it is certainly true that every marriage… any relationship that is as intimate as marriage… is going to include disagreements and differences-of-opinions.

That is not the question. The question is, how do you deal with the disagreements? How do you do conflict? If you aren’t careful, conflict can wreck your marriage.

Why? Because it often becomes adversarial — going for the win, not for the relationship.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at how conflict can wreck your marriage… or how you can keep it from happening.

Listen below.

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Marriage Wrecker: Disconnection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 26, 2020

Your marriage is hurting. Why? What happened? What wrecked your marriage?

In the last podcast episode, I discussed how expectations can wreck a marriage.

But unfortunately, there are some other issues and concerns that can wreck your marriage. This week’s Marriage Wrecker is right at the top of the list.

In fact, it is a recurring theme in my work with couples. After discussing it in several coaching sessions in the last few days, I thought it was a good topic for an episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

What is connection? What is DISconnection… and why does it happen? We start there. We discuss how connection is the life-blood of your relationship… and what happens when it gets squeezed off… often for what seem like good reasons!

The result, though, is the same, even when disconnection is unintentional. (And it almost always is.)

I also cover what to do when you realize the cycle and are ready to break it (what to know and how to approach it, so you don’t get thrown off).

Listen to this important episode below.

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Marriage Wrecker: Expectations

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 19, 2020

“What can I expect from my spouse?” That was the lead question. Because over and over, her expectations had not been met.

“Expectations,” I told her, “can wreck your marriage.”

“Which expectations?”, she asked.

I noted, “Any.”

But shouldn’t you have expectations? Shouldn’t you be able to expect things from your spouse?

Let me ask you question: How’s that going so far?

Some expectations are explicit. Others are implicit. Some are internal. Others are external.

And generally, expectations fail.

That same person said, “So I should just expect my spouse to do nothing, is that right?” I noted that she just changed to another expectation. But still, it was an expectation. And expectations cause problems. Negative or positive. They still cause problems.

The solution? Actually, there are two parts. Listen in as we take apart your expectations… and shift to something more helpful.

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Is Your Marriage in the Safe Zone?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 12, 2020

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?”

Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing. There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe. Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat. A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.

We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened. Connecting requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.

Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat. So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety? Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?

Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.

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Hope vs. Hopelessness

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 5, 2020

Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too.”

A couple of weeks ago, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope: hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless. Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope. So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

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