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Save Your Marriage Podcast

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Uncovering Hope: Annette Carpien
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Hope is an interesting thing.  It can disappear — or you can build it.

Coach Annette Carpien

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been introducing you to my incredibly talented team of coaches.  And this week, Annette Carpien is my guest.  A part of my team from the beginning of me having a team, Annette is a skilled coach who brings hope into her work.

In her coaching, Annette wants to do more than just make a small shift in the relationship.  As she puts it, she wants to help make the relationship “juicy,” something that both people cherish and protect.

As Annette and I talk, you will hear her infectious enthusiasm that comes from a place of hope — and confidence that she can help make a real shift.

With her tools and skills, Annette is a great asset to my team, a great coach, and a wealth of wisdom for those ready to make a true shift.

If you resonate with anything you hear from Annette and would like to discuss coaching with her, contact her by EMAILING HERE.

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Shift From Control: Nina Potter
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the last couple of episodes, and over the next few, you get to meet and learn from my amazing coaches.  They are all hand-selected by me because of their expertise as coaches.  Then, we add in my tools and approach.  And, their outstanding coaching becomes your chance for transformation.

Coach Nina Potter

In this episode, I chat with Nina Potter, one of my earliest coaches.  Nina knows relationship struggles because she has been there.  And because of her own relationship challenges, Nina set out to learn all about relationships:  what makes them healthy — and how to turn them around when they aren’t healthy.

My coaches are a wealth of wisdom.  And Nina shares her wisdom during our discussion.  We talk about the dangers of control, and how to make a shift when a marriage is stuck.

If you are interested in contacting Nina, you can EMAIL HER HERE.

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Return To Love: Debbie Rivera
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Last week, you got to hear from me a little about who I am and why I do what I do.  Over the next few weeks, I want to introduce you to my amazing team of coaches.  Not just introduce you, but let you listen to their wisdom that can help you in your efforts to save your marriage.

Coach Debbie Rivera

This week, I introduce you to Coach Debbie Rivera.  Debbie is a gem of a person and a diamond of a coach!  She brings skill and integrity into her coaching and her life.  Her calm and cool can guide you through a crisis. Her skills can equip you to take on your crisis effectively and efficiently.

As we talk, Debbie shares one of the most important shifts that must happen in the process of saving a marriage:  returning to love.

Listen as Debbie and I discuss the process of returning to love.

(And if you want to contact Debbie, CLICK TO EMAIL)

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Don’t Blame Valentine!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Don't blame it on Valentine. Why romance kills marriages.Let me just say, from the outset, I AM a fan of romance.

That said, I DON’T like when “romantic feelings” are used as the yardstick for a marriage.  If you are dating someone and have no romantic feelings, ever, that is a reason for concern.  If you have been married for awhile and are not feeling the romance… that is something to work on.  Not a reason to walk away.

Which brings us to the last couple of days. Today (the day this episode comes out) is Valentine’s Day.  According to tradition, it honors a priest, Valentine. During the reign of Emperor Claudius II in third century Rome, Valentine disobeyed the emperor.  Claudius had decided that young single men made good soldiers.  Not so good when attached to a love.  So, he forbade marriage.

But Valentine persisted in marrying young couples in love. And according to tradition, he paid the price of disobeying with his life.

There are other twists and turns to the history of Valentine’s day.  But the fact remains that the day is in honor of St. Valentine.

Which is the point I think we miss.  He stood for marriage.  Not just romance.  Marriage.  He didn’t condone love.  He supported marriage.  He married those in love.  It was not him trying to get people to fall in love.  He was marrying those in love.

Why does that matter?

Because of how we have elevated the feeling of being “in love.”  Otherwise known as infatuation.  An unsustainable rush of excitement and adrenaline that acts like obsession and addiction.  But has somehow become the yardstick of a successful marriage.

Is it great when those emotions resurface throughout a marriage?  Absolutely.

But when they become the yardstick… trouble.

Listen to the podcast for more.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Kill Cupid
Connection
Adrenaline vs. Endorphin Attraction
Save The Marriage System

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5 Reasons Your Marriage Isn’t Turning Around
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I often 5 reasons why your marriage has not turned around and is still in crisis.get emails and phone calls asking, “Why isn’t my marriage turning around?  Why aren’t things improving?”

My first assessment is to see how long they have been trying. (I heard from a guy that told me he had spent the afternoon on the marriage, and it was no different!)  Sometimes, the timeframe is too short.  But sometimes, the efforts have gone along for awhile.

Next, I ask how long the crisis has been going on.  Generally, it has been going on longer than the person thinks.  They just didn’t know it was in trouble.

After that, the primary reasons why a marriage hasn’t turned (yet) fit within 5 categories.

Your strategy changes, depending upon which category your marriage (or more accurately, your spouse’s response) fits into.

If you can identify the category, you can choose your response for that particular category.

Let’s go through the categories in this episode of the podcast and see if we can plot a course that turns things around.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Resentment in Marriage
Having A Plan
Stalled Out?
Yet
Save The Marriage System

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Certainty Versus Variety In Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Balancing certainty and variety in marriage.“But I haven’t change!,” he told me.  His wife said he had.  He claimed he hadn’t.

“Too bad,” I said, “you need to change!  If you haven’t, you are already in trouble.”

He wanted to be the same ol’ guy she married.  But he wasn’t.  And if he was, that would not be a good thing.

Tony Robbins reminds us (I introduced this in my Thriveology Podcast earlier) that we have that certainty as a core human need.  My friend was proclaiming his “certainty,” his predictability, in his NOT changing.

But the matching drive is for variety — of needing something different and novel.

We have BOTH needs.  As I noted in that other podcast, it’s not about living in the middle, with neither variety nor sameness.  It is about balancing variety and certainty.  Of having places that are predictable and places that are novel in your life.

Marriages can get into trouble when people don’t recognize the need for BOTH, and are threatened by the opposite of what they are wanting at that given point.

Two people are unlikely to always be in synch with need variety and needing certainty.  If one is looking for some certainty (sameness, predictability) and the other is looking for some variety (excitement, fresh, new), they can find themselves in a struggle.  They will misunderstand and frustrate each other.

Which is the point of this podcast episode.  Tune in below.

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“Is It All About Being The ‘Nice Guy/Gal’?” – NOPE
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Is it just about being a nice guy / gal? Nope. But that isn't a bad place to start.Many of my podcasts come from questions from listeners (if you have an idea for a podcast, email me here).  And that is absolutely true this week.  In fact, it is from an email I received.

The question was fair.  So, I decided to respond for everyone to hear.

Here is the basic question:  “Is your System really just about being the ‘nice guy’?  If so, doesn’t that mean you get disrespected?”  (I will read the email, minus identifying info, in the episode.)

So, yes, I do think being a nice person is a good start.  But no, that is not the real point of my System.  Being civil is a building block, a starting point.

Being a jerk is rarely a good start on rebuilding.

But the nice, that is just about being civil.  Not a “push-over.”  In fact, I believe having boundaries and setting them is critical.  But so is having a high standard for yourself.

My whole System?  Nope.

A good starting point?  Absolutely.  It always is.

But not if you just allow yourself to be walked on.

Listen to this episode for more details and explanation.

RELATED RESOURCES
Being Civil
Connection Is Lifeblood
Show Up
Apologies and Forgiving
Save The Marriage System

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“Can I Convince My Spouse To Stay?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Can I convince my spouse to stay? Why trying can backfire and what to do instead.I sometimes check to see what people might search on my website.  It helps me to understand what difficulties people are having.  And often, it helps me decide on podcast topics.

One phrase appears repeatedly in searches:  “Can I convince my spouse to stay?” or “How can I convince my spouse to save our marriage?”

So, in this episode of my podcast, I answer that very question.

If you want the simple answer, here it is:  “No.”

But there is a follow-up:  “At least, not directly.”

If you want a bit more detail, please listen to the podcast for further details.  I cover WHY you can’t convince a spouse, HOW that might be more damaging if you try, and WHAT to do instead (5 core things you need to be doing).

So, if you have been wondering how/if you can convince a spouse to save your marriage, let’s discuss it on this week’s podcast!

RELATED RESOURCES:
What NOT To Do
“How I Save My Marriage”
Can This Marriage Be Saved
Save The Marriage System (including free session and membership)

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The Power of Apology and Forgiving
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The power of apology and forgiving to transform your marriage.Any intimate relationship is going to lead to some hurts along the way.  It’s just impossible to be that close to someone and not bump into each other (and each other’s emotions) every now and then.

The question is what you do when the hurt hangs around. It lingers and lurks, eating away at the connection — unless it is released.

Which is where apologies and forgiving come in.

Each serves a purpose to clear the air.

But to be clear, they aren’t necessarily linked.  You might apologize and not be forgiven.  You might forgive even without an apology.  Each comes from your choice.

Let’s talk about what’s behind each:  the elements of an apology and the decision to forgive.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Anatomy Of An Apology
After An Argument
Importance of Forgiving
Connection
How To Save Your Marriage

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